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[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

As a kid of the sixties I was dragged from one funeral to another as a succession of elderly relatives curled up their toes and dropped off the perch.

They were sombre depressing events and the only colour in sight was black.

Things have improved though, and as I get older I find I'm attending more funerals again. The last two have been great fun (literally) with lots of laughter, giving an irreverent a two-fingered f*uck you salute to the dreary funerals of old.

One was a biker funeral with lots of heavy metal music. The other had Mr Blue Sky from ELO as it's introduction and exit music.

The whole church was rocking and vibrating.  

[omegod]

I agree they are livening up, recent one had Karaoke which was erm...unusual 

[scimmy_man]

I went to a humanist one last week for a mate,

no singing no god bothering

[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

I went to a humanist one last week for a mate,

no singing no god bothering

Praise be to that.

Yes.. God botherers really get right on my tits.

[Bigron]

The trouble is, dear Doctor, they think that they are right - poor deluded souls!

Ron.

[biggriffin]

I went to a humanist one last week for a mate,

no singing no god bothering

 Humanists.  Are they newer age tree huggers, and cardboard boxes, and lentil butties at the wake,... We need the Lord's input on this subject.

[Doctor Gollum]

I went to a humanist one last week for a mate,

no singing no god bothering

 Humanists.  Are they newer age tree huggers, and cardboard boxes, and lentil butties at the wake,... We need the Lord's input on this subject.

Strike them down with brimstone...

[scimmy_man]

we had the "do" after at the local golf club, loads of butties, pork pie and beer,
I left before two of the girls had a punch up,

sad, as they are both good mates of mine.
I would have had to get between them.

[STEMO]

we had the "do" after at the local golf club, loads of butties, pork pie and beer,
I left before two of the girls had a punch up,

sad, as they are both good mates of mine.
I would have had to get between them.

Weddings, funerals, christenings .....gotta have a punch up.

[Keith ABS]

 I am going to have Motorheads "Killed by death" as one of the tunes for my funeral

[BazaJT]

As it happens I attended a humanist funeral yesterday[one of my older brothers-the first of us "kids" to go]it was the same as the funeral held for my late partner[although at the time I didn't realise it was called humanist]no singing of hymns or praying,just someone from the funeral directors talking of what sort of bloke he was etc from taking notes in meeting with the family of their memories.There were 3 pieces of music-one at the start,one somewhere  in the middle of proceedings and one at the end.The last one was "We gotta get out of this place" by The Animals Then it was off to the pub for the "do" where there was a karaoke.Having furthest to travel to get home I left earliest so can't sat whether a punch up was the finale,but if there was it'd have done him proud

[Varche]

Sadly we have been to a few funerals here in Spain. The last one was a good friend. 53 and got inoperable pancreatic cancer.  The funerals all happen so quickly. The last one was 26 hours after death.

Everyone meets at the funeral parlour, view the prepared corpse. Everyone crying as it is all too soon for grief to have worked through.  Then off to a church for a Roman Catholic service. Then the coffin goes off to either cremation or insertion into a niche in the town cemetery. For the last one it was just the family for the cremation and then internment of ashes. No food and drink, no music.

[Sir Tigger KC]

It's interesting how different cultures treat death.

My friend's Mrs is from the Philippines and I've seen photos on facebook of friends of her's (or friend of friends etc.... you know how fb is...  ) at funerals and they've post pictures of the church, all the people there and even pics of the cadaver in it's open coffin!   

Do the Irish still get pissed up around the open coffin in the front room?   

[STEMO]

What happens when we're too old to be 'useful'? https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-50673645

 

[aaronjb]

The funerals all happen so quickly. The last one was 26 hours after death.

Ask a Jew in Israel and they'll tell you thats about 2 hours slow! A friend (and colleague) of mine recently had to help arrange burial for a friend of theirs; he was in his 90s, had a good innings as they say, but what amazed him was how complicated all this "Christian" burial stuff is; finding a casket, body on ice for days, big funeral service..

..as he said: If you die in (Jewish) Jerusalem, you'll be wrapped in a sheet and in the ground within 24 hours. Die in the morning, you're in the ground by the afternoon!

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

I wish I knew what the point of funerals is. The person isn't there, s why "pay your respects to them" ? .They are dead. Its just a money spinning racket as far as I can see.

[aaronjb]

I wish I knew what the point of funerals is. The person isn't there, s why "pay your respects to them" ? .They are dead. Its just a money spinning racket as far as I can see.

In days gone by, when such things were invented, I'd guess:

a) To stop bodies piling up in the gutters and causing a stink/disease/further death
b) So the church could extract money from you even after you'd gone

[Sir Tigger KC]

Its just a money spinning racket as far as I can see.

It's probably one of the only big life expenses that we don't shop around for. 

I was 23 when my Dad died and he was in a coma at home for his last 3 or 4 days, so we knew it was going to happen and when it did we just phoned the local funeral directors. I said to my Mum a few years later that I could have used that time getting quotes from all the local funeral directors. She said that he would have been very proud if I had!   

I guess it seems a sort of a bad taste thing to do somehow? 

[Doctor Gollum]

The relentless scaremongering on the telly box doesn't help...
At the end of the day, the funeral people simply take it out of your estate. If you owe more than you own, then they quietly cremate you. After all, it's not as thought they can just leave you where you drop 

[STEMO]

The relentless scaremongering on the telly box doesn't help...
At the end of the day, the funeral people simply take it out of your estate. If you owe more than you own, then they quietly cremate you. After all, it's not as thought they can just leave you where you drop 

If you don't look after your own affairs, it falls upon your nearest and dearest, or even the bunch of relatives you haven't seen for years.

[Shackeng]

Better to do as I did, arrange for your Dad to die in a war in a faraway country when you are only 9 years old, and he's buried before you know itt!

[Doctor Gollum]

The relentless scaremongering on the telly box doesn't help...
At the end of the day, the funeral people simply take it out of your estate. If you owe more than you own, then they quietly cremate you. After all, it's not as thought they can just leave you where you drop 

If you don't look after your own affairs, it falls upon your nearest and dearest, or even the bunch of relatives you haven't seen for years.

My boss cremated his Mum on Monday, and the CoOp are taking their £8k from her estate...

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

Just opt for no funeral as I have. £8k to dispose of a persons remains is madness imo.

[Sir Tigger KC]

15 odd years ago I worked with a bloke who borrowed something like £12k from our boss to give his Mum a proper 'East End' funeral complete with the horse and carriage.    I'd imagine that an extravagant affair like that would be nudging £20k these days. 

I remember commiserating with him, but thinking to myself that I bet his Mum would have rather that money be spent giving his kids a leg up in life. 

The rule in my family is keep it cheap and simple and when my turn comes put me in a cardboard box and take me straight to the crem! 

[Rods2]

Buy Aaron & Jimmy an axe each & tell them to tidy up the OOF members list of those 'too old to be useful' & they & the 'student' will be the only 3 OOF members left.

[Viral_Jim]

And not an omega between us! 

[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

Buy Aaron & Jimmy an axe each & tell them to tidy up the OOF members list of those 'too old to be useful' & they & the 'student' will be the only 3 OOF members left.

I'm too young to die.

STMO is too old to be useful.

[scimmy_man]

never mind a cull on age, what about the sick lame and lazy?

bloke told me the other year he gets about £30k per year in benifits, free house etc, no one would pay him that.

[Doctor Gollum]

never mind a cull on age, what about the sick lame and lazy?

bloke told me the other year he gets about £30k per year in benifits, free house etc, no one would pay him that.

Heated and ventilated concrete studio with ensuite. £20 of supermarket basics to eat.

That'll sort the scroungers off their arses.

[STEMO]

never mind a cull on age, what about the sick lame and lazy?

bloke told me the other year he gets about £30k per year in benifits, free house etc, no one would pay him that.

Benefits are capped, iirc, at less than £30K.

[Viral_Jim]

In theory, benefits cap is £20k outside London or £24k inside.  But you probably ought to add in freebies like TV licence, council tax etc etc.

To get to £30k you'd need to add in some sort of disability (not hard in this day and age). Then you can add more money, plus the benefit of notability car etc etc. I would imagine £30k is achievable.

[scimmy_man]

this guy had 2 houses being knocked into one, between them they had about 10 kids,

a few had "syndromes" so he was carer for them his wife was his carer, they had 2 free cars,
he told me he got £30k in payments.
to earn that he would need nearer £50k

other than being well overweight there was nothing stopping him working.

[STEMO]

In theory, benefits cap is £20k outside London or £24k inside.  But you probably ought to add in freebies like TV licence, council tax etc etc.

To get to £30k you'd need to add in some sort of disability (not hard in this day and age). Then you can add more money, plus the benefit of notability car etc etc. I would imagine £30k is achievable.

I wish I could afford a notability car. 

[STEMO]

this guy had 2 houses being knocked into one, between them they had about 10 kids,

a few had "syndromes" so he was carer for them his wife was his carer, they had 2 free cars,
he told me he got £30k in payments.
to earn that he would need nearer £50k

other than being well overweight there was nothing stopping him working.

There are 'exceptional' cases like this, the tabloids and channel 5 used to get plenty of mileage out of them. The way I look at it is: despite the apparent unfairness, I certainly wouldn't want to live like that. And for them to actually brag about it, well, it show the level of their aspirations.

[Viral_Jim]

I wish I could afford a notability car. 

You angling for a job as the forum's Rachel Riley?

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

this guy had 2 houses being knocked into one, between them they had about 10 kids,

a few had "syndromes" so he was carer for them his wife was his carer, they had 2 free cars,
he told me he got £30k in payments.
to earn that he would need nearer £50k

other than being well overweight there was nothing stopping him working.

There are 'exceptional' cases like this, the tabloids and channel 5 used to get plenty of mileage out of them. The way I look at it is: despite the apparent unfairness, I certainly wouldn't want to live like that. And for them to actually brag about it, well, it show they are far call use to their family or society in general and should be culled immediately.

Couldn't agree more Steve.

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

Funerals don't get any better than this one.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7570263/Irish-funeral-bursts-laughter-pre-recorded-message-dead-man-played.html

[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

Funerals don't get any better than this one.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7570263/Irish-funeral-bursts-laughter-pre-recorded-message-dead-man-played.html

Now that is funny....

I'd like a 'Bat out of hell' type of funeral where a large motorcycle comes out of the grave and runs down all the mourners I don't like.

[Sir Tigger KC]

I'm going to have The Stones Hey you, get offa my cloud! played at mine. 

[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

I'm going to have The Stones Hey you, get offa my cloud! played at mine. 

......with a Marina estate as the hearse, obviously.

[Viral_Jim]

I'm going to have The Stones Hey you, get offa my cloud! played at mine. 

May I also recommend:
- Living in a Box - Living in a Box
- Jamiroquai - Deeper Underground
- The Jam - Going Underground
- Ash - Burn baby burn (if cremation is your preferred modus exitus)

[Sir Tigger KC]

I'm going to have The Stones Hey you, get offa my cloud! played at mine. 

May I also recommend:
- Living in a Box - Living in a Box
- Jamiroquai - Deeper Underground
- The Jam - Going Underground
- Ash - Burn baby burn (if cremation is your preferred modus exitus)

 

[Sir Tigger KC]

I'm going to have The Stones Hey you, get offa my cloud! played at mine. 

......with a Marina estate as the hearse, obviously.

If we were allowed funeral pyres, you could shove me in the back of the Volvo and set it alight! 

What could possibly go wrong? 

[ronnyd]

I,m gonna have "Breathe" by Pink Floyd at mine, because that,s one thing i won,t be doing.

[BazaJT]

What about "Fire" by Crazy World of Arthur Brown? Maybe in the near future cremations will be banned when Greta gets her way?

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

I,m gonna have "Breathe" by Pink Floyd at mine, because that,s one thing i won,t be doing.

Worth having in any circumstances because its a great song from arguably the best album ever made.

[Sir Tigger KC]

What about "Fire" by Crazy World of Arthur Brown? Maybe in the near future cremations will be banned when Greta gets her way?

You jest Baza, but there is a company that has been doing trials of dissolving cadavers in a strong alkaline solution that can then be safely poured down the loo drain. 

If it goes mainstream we'll be saving the world even as we die and are disposed of! 

[Doctor Gollum]

What about "Fire" by Crazy World of Arthur Brown? Maybe in the near future cremations will be banned when Greta gets her way?

You jest Baza, but there is a company that has been doing trials of dissolving cadavers in a strong alkaline solution that can then be safely poured down the loo drain. 

If it goes mainstream we'll be saving the world even as we die and are disposed of! 

Hardly a new concept... Mafioso types have been doing it for years

[ronnyd]

What about "Fire" by Crazy World of Arthur Brown? Maybe in the near future cremations will be banned when Greta gets her way?

You jest Baza, but there is a company that has been doing trials of dissolving cadavers in a strong alkaline solution that can then bedown safely poured the loo drain. 

If it goes mainstream we'll be saving the world even as we die and are disposed of! 

So you could end up drinking your granddad. 

[BazaJT]

Many things have changed funeral wise.Often times the deceased would be laid out in the parlour/front room for family/friends to call round to pay their respects.House curtains would remain closed to signify there had been a death in the family and many people would pause-and men if wearing one would doff their hats-as the funeral cortege passed by.

[aaronjb]

Many things have changed funeral wise.Often times the deceased would be laid out in the parlour/front room for family/friends to call round to pay their respects.House curtains would remain closed to signify there had been a death in the family and many people would pause-and men if wearing one would doff their hats-as the funeral cortege passed by.

In the 1950s..


..or last week, as it's known in Lincolnshiresausageland 

This thread reminds me of this thread: https://www.quora.com/As-a-mortician-or-coroner-was-there-anything-you-ever-saw-that-made-you-giggle

[Shackeng]

Soylent Green is the answer.

[STEMO]

Soylent Green is the answer.

Yum yum 

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

Many things have changed funeral wise.Often times the deceased would be laid out in the parlour/front room for family/friends to call round to pay their respects.House curtains would remain closed to signify there had been a death in the family and many people would pause-and men if wearing one would doff their hats-as the funeral cortege passed by.

Exactly how it was in Norn Irn when I was growing up. Even as a kid , if someone we knew died I had to go and have a look in the coffin which I found terrifying. Probably why I didn't go and see my parents at the chapel of rest. If I have ever thought about any of those people since, the first image that springs to mind is the one of them dead in their coffin.
Having said all that, I admire the old fashioned respectfulness, and still take my cap off if a hearse drives past me in the street.
Colourful, happy clappy funerals are not a good thing imo.

[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

Many things have changed funeral wise.Often times the deceased would be laid out in the parlour/front room for family/friends to call round to pay their respects.House curtains would remain closed to signify there had been a death in the family and many people would pause-and men if wearing one would doff their hats-as the funeral cortege passed by.

Exactly how it was in Norn Irn when I was growing up. Even as a kid , if someone we knew died I had to go and have a look in the coffin which I found terrifying. Probably why I didn't go and see my parents at the chapel of rest. If I have ever thought about any of those people since, the first image that springs to mind is the one of them dead in their coffin.
Having said all that, I admire the old fashioned respectfulness, and still take my cap off if a hearse drives past me in the street.
Colourful, happy clappy funerals are not a good thing imo.

Right then.....I won't be coming when you curl your toes up.

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

No point. I wont be having a funeral. Fickin waste of money and nothing else.

[Sir Tigger KC]

I might have told this story before...   

A family friend's Father died leaving strict instructions that he didn't want a funeral and to dispose of his remains as cheaply as possible.   

So they knocked up a plywood coffin and under instructions from the Undertakers turned up a 5am to collect their Dad from the funeral parlour when nobody was about.   They put him in the back of the Volvo estate and went home for some breakfast before taking him to the crem where they had to take him round the back, as the crem didn't want people seeing a home made coffin being unloaded from the back of a Vovo estate!  No service, straight in the back door to the incinerator! 

Albs, if you leave me your Omega, I'll perform the same service for you! 

[aaronjb]

Albs, if you leave me your Omega, I'll perform the same service for you! 

When you say "the same service" are you thinking of leaving him in the back of the Omega and adding a gallon of 4* and some matches to the equation? 

[Viral_Jim]

Albs, if you leave me your Omega, I'll perform the same service for you! 

Could be interesting if you chose to sell it on.

Omega Estate comes with one careful owner.

[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

No point. I wont be having a funeral. Fickin waste of money and nothing else.

....Extra roll of bin bags should sort it then.

[omegod]

I recall driving through Derby town centre in a cortege for my uncles funeral and it struck me that no one really batted an eye lid or gave a second glance, the only person to remove a hat was a poor homeless girl sitting on a doorway, that image has always stuck with me for some reason.

I'm at a straight to the Crematorium one tomorrow, should be 15 min's and away !   

[STEMO]

At the rate people are dying, I can seriously see something being done about funeral cortèges, esp at busy times on the road. They are a regular thing around here, due to the geography of churches and Barnsleys only crem. Despite the obligation to show respect and despite the law ref breaking into/overtaking a cortège, I see people totally losing patience. Much honking of horns and glaring looks from people in the funeral cars.
I can see both sides. I would be offended if one of my friends or relatives cortège was treated in such a way, but I can understand people getting annoyed at being held up, esp as so many around here use the man in front who slows everything to a crawl.

[Rangie]

At the rate people are dying, I can seriously see something being done about funeral cortèges, esp at busy times on the road. They are a regular thing around here, due to the geography of churches and Barnsleys only crem. Despite the obligation to show respect and despite the law ref breaking into/overtaking a cortège, I see people totally losing patience. Much honking of horns and glaring looks from people in the funeral cars.
I can see both sides. I would be offended if one of my friends or relatives cortège was treated in such a way, but I can understand people getting annoyed at being held up, esp as so many around here use the man in front who slows everything to a crawl.

. 

No respect some people an absolute disgrace.

[STEMO]

At the rate people are dying, I can seriously see something being done about funeral cortèges, esp at busy times on the road. They are a regular thing around here, due to the geography of churches and Barnsleys only crem. Despite the obligation to show respect and despite the law ref breaking into/overtaking a cortège, I see people totally losing patience. Much honking of horns and glaring looks from people in the funeral cars.
I can see both sides. I would be offended if one of my friends or relatives cortège was treated in such a way, but I can understand people getting annoyed at being held up, esp as so many around here use the man in front who slows everything to a crawl.

. 

No respect some people an absolute disgrace.

Should build crems next to the morgue. A quick trip along a corridor and jobs a good'un.

[ronnyd]

At the rate people are dying, I can seriously see something being done about funeral cortèges, esp at busy times on the road. They are a regular thing around here, due to the geography of churches and Barnsleys only crem. Despite the obligation to show respect and despite the law ref breaking into/overtaking a cortège, I see people totally losing patience. Much honking of horns and glaring looks from people in the funeral cars.
I can see both sides. I would be offended if one of my friends or relatives cortège was treated in such a way, but I can understand people getting annoyed at being held up, esp as so many around here use the man in front who slows everything to a crawl.

. 

No respect some people an absolute disgrace.

Should build crems next to the morgue. A quick trip along a corridor and jobs a good'un.

Or one better, all in the same dept. Straight out of the fridge and into the oven.

[aaronjb]

Or one better, all in the same dept. Straight out of the fridge and into the oven.

Everyone knows you have to let the meat rest at room temperature before coo.. wait, what were we talking about, again?

[Doctor Gollum]

I thought exactly the same thing when I read it yesterday... 

[ronnyd]

A whole new t/v show, Master Crem.