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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 292138 times)

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Entwood

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #990 on: 10 April 2020, 15:49:54 »

This lockdown is heartbreaking and Iím really upset at the moment, seeing my dear wife stood at the living room window with tears in her eyes ❤️

I hate to see her like this and Iíve thought very hard for ways to cheer her up.

Iíve even considered letting her in, but then again, rules are rules.
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Entwood

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #991 on: 13 April 2020, 17:06:56 »

MURDER AT SAINSBURY's

Tired of constantly being  broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to  solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on
his  wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her  killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put  him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went  by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that
his  going price for  snuffing out a spouse was  £5,000.

The husband said he was  willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on  hand until he could collect his  wife's insurance money. Artie  insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man  opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested  inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed  to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty  deed.

A few days later, Artie  followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's Supermarket store.  There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to  strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman  drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the  produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.  Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no  choice but to strangle the produce manager as  well.

However, unknown to  Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security  cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who  immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before  he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning  at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan,  including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless  husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in  the  newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for  this...)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @  SAINSBURY'S

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write  this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to  you.
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deviator

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #992 on: 14 April 2020, 14:43:04 »

Please join in!

Everyone is going to go outside and clap for the delivery drivers and couriers. It's happening tomorrow sometime between 9am and 6pm.
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Andy H

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #993 on: 19 April 2020, 03:00:01 »

A man walks into a bar.....

Lucky bastard
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #994 on: 19 April 2020, 08:55:02 »

Just in case any of you in the UK are confused by Downing Streets latest guidance:

1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house.

2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not.

3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open.

4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work.

5. You should not go to the Doctor's or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there.

6. This virus can kill people, but donít be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable. Itís possible to contain and control it, sometimes, except that sometimes it actually leads to a global disaster.

7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes, or not.

8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out.

9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Sometimes you wonít need loo rolls but you should buy some just in case you need some.

10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it affects.

11. Animals are not affected, but there was a cat that tested positive in Belgium in February when no one had been tested, plus a few tigers here and thereÖ

12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).

13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms...it's a sort of lucky/unlucky dip.

14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go to the shops, unless you need toilet roll or a fence panel.

15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But donít sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if youíre not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down donít eat your picnic, unless you've had a long walk, which you are/aren't allowed to do if you're old or pregnant.

16. Donít visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.

17. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household canít go out when you are better unless they need to go out.

18. You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including frozen pizza.

19. You can't see your older mother or grandmother, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver.

20. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you canít go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance.

21. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours...or six hours... I mean days, not hours. But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.

22. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because youíre not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am.

23. If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am.

24. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of. The people who die of corona who arenít counted, wonít or will be counted but maybe not.

25. We should stay in locked down until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so itís important we get infected and some donít get infected.

26. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours wonít call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music whilst also having a party which you are allowed to call the police about.

27. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that will go down due to Coronavirus.

Hope that makes things clearer for you.
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Raeturbo

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #995 on: 19 April 2020, 12:21:54 »

Thereís a lot of truth in jest :( (no joke) :y
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STEMO

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #996 on: 19 April 2020, 12:33:29 »

We heard all this last month on the government's daily update, Varche. ;D
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dave the builder

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #997 on: 28 April 2020, 15:39:48 »

Tiny Tim calling a Transport company clicky
there's a few other Tiny Tim ones too  :y
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STEMO

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #998 on: 01 May 2020, 17:59:22 »

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar. The barman says "Oh god, not U2 again".
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deviator

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #999 on: 04 May 2020, 12:32:03 »

Went to a garage the other day and got talking to one of the tyre fitters. He told me he could do up wheel nuts by gripping them between his bum cheeks.

Personally, I think he was torquing out of his arse.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1000 on: 10 May 2020, 22:54:01 »

I hope the pubs open again soon.

I need to cut down my drinking.
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dave the builder

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1001 on: 13 May 2020, 21:03:20 »

reading my monthly Flat Earth Society news letter ...

Apparently this "2 metre social distancing law" is pushing some of our members over the edge   :P
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dave the builder

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1002 on: 15 May 2020, 15:35:37 »

The local Police budget has been cut again  ::)




« Last Edit: 15 May 2020, 15:39:05 by dave the builder »
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Entwood

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1003 on: 19 May 2020, 14:37:27 »

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken downÖÖ The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"   "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"   "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.  Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your troubleĒ   "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.   So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.   

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!  There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.   With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.   "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"   "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."   

You know you will forward this.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1004 on: 21 May 2020, 08:43:51 »

Good to hear Ryanair are providing free masks on flights.

Elastic is 10 euros.
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