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[Varche]

 Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.

They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?"

"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer its all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.

[Varche]

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a France rugby shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing England shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Frog from the water. Then, using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the French and the English, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his pals, "who was that?"
"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay or do we need to get another one?"

[STEMO]

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job working on the motorway. But when I got home, all the signs were there. 

[Varche]

Man goes to the doctors because he thinks he has piles.the doctor confirms this and gets him to bend over and inserts some ointment in his backside. Dr tells the man to use this ointment morning and night and to ask his wife to help him . At home the wife helps him before bed time with the pile ointment. As he is bending over she puts her left hand on his left shoulder to steady him as she gently eases the nozzle in and squeezes the tube. The man gives out a little scream and the lady apologises and asks him if it hurt. The man replies "no but I just remembered that when the doctor did this he had both hands on my shoulders"

[Varche]

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is heavy and the other one is a little lighter.

[relluf]

A man walks into a zoo
The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
Its a shitzu.

[Sir Tigger KC]

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

[STEMO]

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"
"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."
"What for?" I asked.
He said, "The drugs."
I said, "What drugs?"

 

[Varche]

 A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house.

[Sir Tigger KC]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum...you still awake?'

[Sir Tigger KC]

An elderly balding white haired man walked into a jewelry store one late Friday afternoon with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000' the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.  The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account'.

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

[Sir Tigger KC]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little self-abusers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[Varche]

"Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping
on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet.

[Varche]

A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘lion tamer wanted’ and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette in her mid-twenties with a killer body
The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it: this is one ferocious lion; he ate my last tamer so you two had better be good - or you're history.
Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says "That's amazing; I've never seen anything like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The old golfer replies, "Possibly.... but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

[moggy]

God it must have been cold last night,i woke up with a block of ice in bed with me.After it had thawed out,it said what time did you get in last night.