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Please play nicely.  No one wants to listen/read a keyboard warriors rants....

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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 292810 times)

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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1050 on: 27 March 2021, 08:19:50 »

A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Knowing that nowadays job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested; so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage and finally you'll be required to rub in soothing oils in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”

Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 and, if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen ".

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".

She answered, "No, that's where the end of the queue is."
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1051 on: 05 April 2021, 22:51:35 »

The man who invented predictive text has just died.

May he rust in piss
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deviator

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1052 on: 06 April 2021, 11:39:02 »

I walked in last night to find the wife, slightly drunk watching TV. She suddenly shouts, 'Don't go into the church you idiot!'

She's watching the wedding video again.
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deviator

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1053 on: 15 April 2021, 09:51:31 »

My Grandfather was responsible for the downing of over thirty German aircraft during WW2, and still to this day, the Luftwaffe consider him the worst mechanic they'd ever had.
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1054 on: 20 May 2021, 23:48:00 »

A 60-year-old multi millionaire got married and has a huge wedding reception.
His friends are jealous and in a quiet moment, one of them asks him how he managed to land such a stunning 25 year old beauty.
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.”
His friends are really amazed and ask him by how much.
“Well,” he replied, “I said I was 90!”

Nicked from another forum. Mrs Merton springs to mind

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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1055 on: 21 May 2021, 23:55:17 »

This old lady handed her bank card to the clerk and said “I would like to withdraw £10”. The clerk told her “for withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why... The clerk returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the clerk and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The clerk was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have £300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The clerk told her any amount up to £3000. “Well please let me have £3000 now.” The clerk kindly handed £3000 very friendly and with a smile to her.
The old lady put £10 in her purse and asked the clerk to deposit £2990 back into her account.
The moral of this story is....
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.
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deviator

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1056 on: 25 May 2021, 09:10:09 »

My mate has just got a job making Dracula dolls. There are only two of them on the production line, so he has to make every second count.
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Jimbob

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1057 on: 25 May 2021, 11:14:09 »

My mate has just got a job making Dracula dolls. There are only two of them on the production line, so he has to make every second count.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1058 on: 17 June 2021, 07:10:46 »

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break and talking about work.

1st surgeon says: “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

2nd surgeon says: “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

3rd responds: “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded.”

4th intercedes: “I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”

To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: “I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their arses are interchangeable.”
.
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.
.
Nicked from elsewhere
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ronnyd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1059 on: 17 June 2021, 17:40:44 »

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break and talking about work.

1st surgeon says: “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

2nd surgeon says: “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

3rd responds: “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded.”

4th intercedes: “I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”

To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: “I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their arses are interchangeable.”
.
.
.
.
Nicked from elsewhere
;D ;D ;D
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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1060 on: 19 June 2021, 17:34:27 »

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1061 on: 17 July 2021, 13:48:49 »

Quiz time!

Answer the questions without thinking too hard

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


















Dementia Quiz

Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing. They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly. To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time, but instead, answer each of them immediately.

OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....


Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's)






First Question:

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?




Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you ar e WRONG again!!! Tell me, Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??

You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it...



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for the correct answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100...



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it???

Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe...



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? W hat is the name of the fifth daughter?





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't
Her name is Mary,you retard!
Read the question again!





Okay, now the Bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to
redeem yourself:




A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~








It's really very simple
He opens his mouth and asks for it...
Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!


PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice day, one and all.
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Sir Tigger QC

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1062 on: 23 July 2021, 22:44:42 »

I went to a fetish restaurant tonight and got toed in the hole!
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dave the builder

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1063 on: 05 August 2021, 18:46:51 »

A woman was walking past a pet shop and see's a sign
"Fanny licking frog, only £25".
So she thinks, I'll go and enquire about that.
"Can I have a look at that Fanny licking frog" she said,
The man behind the counter says
"Bonjour Madame"
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1064 on: 07 September 2021, 13:25:31 »

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,
"I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good day, Sir "...
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