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[dave the builder]

Unfortunately that sounds so fkg true🤬

I put it in this thread because then it's a "joke" and not a hate crime 

[Raeturbo]

Many a true word spoken in jest eh?

[Mr Skrunts]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this --- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked and said, "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

[Mr Skrunts]

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two
large plastic garbage bags behind her.                   
One of the  bags rips, and every once in a while a $20
bill falls out onto the sidewalk.                 
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am,
there  are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really?  Darn!' says the little old lady.
'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them.
Thanks for  telling me..'
'Well,  now, not so fast,' says the cop.  'How did you
get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'           
'Oh, no', says the little old lady.
'You see, my back yard is right next to the football
stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through
the fence into my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge
clippers.  Each time some guy
sticks his thing through the fence,
I say, '$20 or off it comes.'                   
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop..
OK?  Good luck!                 
Oh, by the  way, what's in the other bag?                   
'Well, you know', says the little old lady,
 'not everybody  pays..'

[ronnyd]

What dodgy Yank website are you getting all these from Skruntie? 

[Sir Tigger KC]

I went for a testicle check-up last week, and the little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said "Don't  worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure."

I said "I haven't got an erection." 

She said "No but I have!"

[Sir Tigger KC]

It was a calm, still day in Yarmouth,
The channel clear and wide,
As the last of the timber sailing ships
Sailed out on the evening tide.

They never saw that ship again;
They searched when it was light,
But that fine old timber vessel sank
That clear and peaceful night.

No one knows what happened
On that night in 1910;
But the crew and her cargo of woodpeckers
Were never seen again.

Les Barker - 2005

[Sir Tigger KC]

[Sir Tigger KC]

Husband: I'd like to report a missing wife. She went shopping and has not come back.

Police: What is her height?

Husband: I'm not sure.

Police: Skinny or fat?

Husband: Not skinny.

Police: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Police: Color of hair?

Husband: It kind of changes with the seasons.

Police: What was she wearing?

Husband: I'm not sure.

Police: Was she driving?

Husband: Yes

Police: Color of vehicle

Husband: Black 2020 F350 powerstroke diesel, 475 horsepower with 10-speed heavy-duty TorqShift automatic transmission. It has LED lights and a very small scratch on the rear door.

Police: Don't worry sir, we will find your truck.

[Mr Skrunts]

MILLIONAIRE BORROWS FROM BANK

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs a quarter of a million pounds.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says Mr Singh, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. After Mr Singh leaves, the loan officer, the bank's president, and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a £250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, Mr Singh returns, and repays the £5000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"
The man replies, "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41?" ✍️

[Auto Addict]

You're in the final of the club golf tournament.

After the 17th, you and your opponent are tied.

You tee off on the 18th, straight down the middle of the fairway, 260 yards drive.

Your opponent hooks his tee shot into the woods.

You spend 10 minutes helping him find his ball.

You take your next shot, he says, I'll carry on looking and if I can't find it I'll go back to tee and play another ball.

You play your next shot, it lands six yards from the pin.

Your opponent shouts found it, his ball lands 4 inches from the pin, a gimme.

Here's your dilemma, do you take the lieing bastards ball out of your pocket, or do you keep your mouth shut!

[Varche]

Bloke goes to the doctor in agony, whips his trousers off and there's a lettuce leaf sticking out of his rear end.

Doctor: 'You feeling pain anywhere else, apart from up near your arsehole?'

Bloke: 'I'll say so Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg'.

[ronnyd]

Bloke goes to the doctor in agony, whips his trousers off and there's a lettuce leaf sticking out of his rear end.

Doctor: 'You feeling pain anywhere else, apart from up near your arsehole?'

Bloke: 'I'll say so Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg'.

Did the guy who extracted your  car from around the tree tell you that one Varche?

[Raeturbo]

Guy goes to the GP with a frog growing out of his ear, GP says how long have you had that? Frog says, it started as a boil on my arse.

[Varche]

Judge to guilty defendant: 'Have you anything to say to this court before I pronounce sentence?'

Defendant (mumbling): 'opps all'

Judge to Clerk of Court: 'Clerk, what did the defendant say?'

Clerk of Court: 'He said 'opps all', your Honour.'

Judge: 'That's most odd, I was sure he said something'.