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1

General Discussion Area / Re: Sticky for Jokes

« on: 15 October 2014, 23:55:44 »

Immigration..

All my neighbours are English
All the kids in the local school are English
All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.



Teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Leroy said: "I wanna be a billionaire & go to the most
expensive clubs. I wanna find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari
worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on
the beach, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa
Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible
response from little Leroy, decides not to acknowledge what he said
and simply tried to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, f**k that. I want to be
Leroy's bitch."




The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.

2

General Discussion Area / Re: Sticky for Jokes

« on: 01 March 2014, 14:58:11 »

Manchester United bra.

    Bought the wife a Manchester United bra. She said the support is c r a p and that it won't be long till the t i t s are out of both cups.

 

3

General Discussion Area / Re: Plumbing / central heating question

« on: 27 February 2014, 18:41:47 »

It's not as if the hot water tank can have emptied during this procedure, so why would it be taking any longer than normal to heat up?

Anyway, took a long time for the hot tap to stop running / drain and I found out that the cold water tank was being emptied at this point.

Water from the storage tank was replenishing the water in the cylinder.

4

General Discussion Area / Re: Plumbing / central heating question

« on: 27 February 2014, 14:55:48 »

Exactly. We would put the heating on at night for a couple of hours. During that time the water would be really hot, and if it wasn't used for a bath or shower etc then it would still be really warm the next day. Now that's not happening. Despite the heating being on for a while, the water cools down really quickly once it's turned off.

You are now trying to  heat a full cylinder of cold water from scratch.

It should sort itself out within a few days.

5

General Discussion Area / Re: Sticky for Jokes

« on: 26 February 2014, 19:28:03 »

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

New Scots £20 Note

The Wife

The wife and I were having a massive row.
"I'm so disappointed in you," she said. "When we got married I thought you were a brave man."
"Yes," I replied, "and so did all my my friends."

6

General Discussion Area / Re: Sticky for Jokes

« on: 25 February 2014, 11:55:52 »

"What's the problem?" The doctor asked.

I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat sugar puffs it smells of sugar puffs, or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup. What can I do to make my pee smell like pee doctor?"

"Have you tried drinking Foster's?"

My wife started a blazing row earlier.


"Why don't you do any maintenance round the garden anymore?" she shouted. "Everything's falling to bits and all you do is sit on your arse and drink beer!"

"How dare you talk to me like that." I screamed. "You want to watch your lip!"
Anyway, things escalated from there and the end result is that I've been forced to lay a new patio.

"I think the money Wayne Rooney earns is crazy; £300,000 per week, when our soldiers are putting their lives on the line for £20,000 per year.

What do you think?"

"I look at it two ways Dave. Firstly, If any of the soldiers could play football like he can, they'd be earning the same as him to do it."

"Yeh, maybe. And your other view?"

"Wayne Rooney can't even write his name with crayons, would you really want him to watch your back with a machine gun?"

I'm not sure if it's just me but the Winter Paralympics doesn't really sound like a good idea...

I wish my lawn was emo, so it would cut itself.

7

General Discussion Area / Re: Sticky for Jokes

« on: 24 February 2014, 15:46:40 »

When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first.
And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

DFS now have two seater sofas available with 50% off...
They're called Armchairs.

"Daddy, who's that man sitting in the kitchen?" asked my daughter.
"That's the doctor, he's come to see your mother."
"Well, is he going up to see her?"
"Yes, but I thought I'd let him sit and wait like they do to us."


I opened the door for a lady today.
I normally don't bother with such outdated customs, but she was blonde and couldn't figure it out for herself.


Just bought a car off Chris Moyles... there's no tax on it!

It's my wife's birthday next week, and thankfully she's made it easy for me this year.
She has been dropping hints all week.
"My wardrobe is so full of boring clothes"
"These old rags are so horrible"
"If I have to spend another day in these 1950s housewife clothes I will cry"
She's also left her large collection of over 20 catalogues dotted all around the house. So it's decided.
We're gonna get rid of all her clothes and she can be done with those catalogues once and for all - and I've given her the perfect gift.
I can't wait to see her face when the Skip arrives next Tue

You know times are hard when the British Government can't even afford to go to war with Arabs and has to take the train to Scotland to fight over oil.

8

General Discussion Area / Re: Sticky for Jokes

« on: 23 February 2014, 13:24:18 »

Only in the USA

The following text message appeared on a man's iPhone from his
next-door neighbor:

"I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

 I have been tapping
your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

 I can no longer live
with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my
promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn auto correct. I meant
'wifi' not 'wife.'"

9

Omega General Help / Re: Bonnet release

« on: 22 February 2014, 22:50:53 »

Picked up my new omega today. One of the problems it has is that the bonnet sticks. I have had a look but cant find it. Is they a guide to adjusting the bonnet catch.

This.......

http://www.omegaowners.com/forum/index.php?topic=68268.msg955499;topicseen#msg955499

may help.

10

General Discussion Area / Re: Winter Olympics . . . .

« on: 20 February 2014, 14:40:17 »

Spent a good hour dribbling over Eve Muirhead and the rest of the women's curling team 

I love woman with blue eyes and a delicate wrist action   

Eve can curl up with me anytime ....     

11

General Discussion Area / We are Sailing.

« on: 19 February 2014, 23:35:37 »

Anyone fancy a boat ride?


I wouldn't want to be on one of these.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/ByGSMmenPDM?rel=0



These guys have guts of steel.

12

General Discussion Area / Re: Then and now.....

« on: 18 February 2014, 14:02:54 »

Well fairly recently anyway.  The picture is of a bridge over the River Parrett in Somerset.  Self explanatory really! 

Apparently,

This........

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2014/02/18/article-2561435-1B99D1D100000578-857_636x385.jpg

is how it looks now.

13

General Discussion Area / Re: Sticky for Jokes

« on: 17 February 2014, 09:13:07 »

He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards,forward, then backwards again...back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.







She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the


small of her back, she was getting near to the end.








Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, then she moaned, softly at first, then louder.





Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.










"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the flamin’ car! You do it...YOU SMUG B*STARD !"


                      --------------------------------------------------------------
                      ---------------------------------------------------------------

After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.

"That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.

My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.

"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."

Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.

"What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."

Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio."

"I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."



                             ------------------------------------------------------------
                             ---------------------------------------------------------------

When arguing with the wife I found out...

I can either be right or happy.

14

General Discussion Area / Touring by Bus.

« on: 14 February 2014, 16:26:48 »

Touring by Bus.



 For the more adventurous among us...


  http://www.20min.ch/ro/videotv/?vid=339276

I wouldn't be buying a return ticket. 

15

General Discussion Area / Re: Sticky for Jokes

« on: 14 February 2014, 09:01:36 »

The Big Come on.

"Have you ever seen twenty Pounds all crumpled up?". . . the woman
asked her husband.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile,

unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty Pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty Pound note from her, and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen fifty Pounds all crumpled up?" . . . she then asked
her husband.

"Uh . . . no, I haven't," he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile,

 pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers and pulled out a
crumpled fifty Pound note.

He took the crumpled fifty Pound note and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen thirty thousand Pounds all crumpled
up?"

"No way, " he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused . . . and
excited).

...

...

...

"Well go and look in the garage," she said