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76

General Discussion Area / Jigsaw joke

« on: 07 November 2009, 10:21:19 »

 




 

 

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh. ..................


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"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 
 


 

 
 


 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 


 


 

 
 
 
 
 


 


 

77

General Discussion Area / What do you think

« on: 25 October 2009, 10:02:13 »

been playing with an underwater camera & found this in Dorset. Apparently its an Anemone Shrimp, about the size of a fingernail & pretty rare in UK waters

 
 

78

General Discussion Area / World statesman of the Year

« on: 23 September 2009, 09:46:12 »

I still can't stop laughing

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20090923/tuk-brown-world-statesman-of-the-year-6323e80.html

79

General Discussion Area / Colin the Abo

« on: 20 August 2009, 15:30:45 »

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and
Invited all of his buddies and neighbours.  He also invited Colin, the only
Aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters
And BBQ and Flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating
Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
Balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
Everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing
The croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
Stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and
Flipping the croc through the air like some kind of judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere..  Both Colin and the croc
Were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was
Amazing.   How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."


Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?






Colin said,

'I want the bastard who pushed me in.' 

 
 



 
 
 
 





 

80

General Discussion Area / Another leaver

« on: 16 July 2009, 21:34:46 »

81

General Discussion Area / Everything he needs

« on: 16 July 2009, 22:01:28 »

82

General Discussion Area / If Microsoft made cars

« on: 10 February 2009, 15:28:36 »

 


 
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.


At a  recent computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared  the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,  

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer  industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that go 1,000  miles to the gallon.'

In  response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press  release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics;

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........  
Twice  a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the  road, you would have to buy a new car.  

3. Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no reason.  You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a  maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to  reinstall the engine.  

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was  reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal  Operation' warning light.  

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.  

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car  would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio aerial.  

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.  You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.  

PS - I'd like  to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer  service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some  foreign language how to fix your car  yourself!!!!

 



 
 
 
 
 
 

83

General Discussion Area / PM's pre budget speech been leaked

« on: 31 January 2009, 13:57:52 »

maybe not suitable for little'uns
http://www.wikio.co.uk/video/296631  

84

General Discussion Area / Cheap overalls anyone?

« on: 30 January 2009, 14:31:02 »

Can't be bad at this price

www.lidl.co.uk/uk/home.nsf/pages/c.o.20090202.p.Mens_Work_Overall.ar2

85

General Discussion Area / Another EU initiative

« on: 30 January 2009, 14:49:06 »

A new EU initiative has decided you are no longer allowed to use the word Pikey! You must now use the phrase 'Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers' or C***s for short  

86

General Discussion Area / New job anyone ?

« on: 18 January 2009, 14:48:29 »

and it pays £70 000 pa

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7824386.stm

87

General Discussion Area / Has reality TV gone too far

« on: 10 December 2008, 08:29:18 »

Will anyone be watching this tonight & do you approve of assisted suicide?

www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2019734.ece

88

General Discussion Area / So now you know

« on: 28 November 2008, 16:15:03 »

>
>
> When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
> toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
> Pre-Christmas pressure.
>
> Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
> stressed Santa even more.
>
> When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
> about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
> Heaven knows where.
>
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
> the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
>
> Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
> shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had
> drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he
> accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
> little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
> broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the
> broom.
>
> Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
> yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
> Christmas tree.
> The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
> lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
> to stick it?'
>
> And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
> tree.
>
>

89

General Discussion Area / US tool giveaway

« on: 20 November 2008, 08:30:52 »

or bad day at work

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vXdRUIZ_EM&feature=related

90

General Discussion Area / [m by=TheBoy destboard=omegaguides dest=1225142864]: Pressure testing cooling system

« on: 27 October 2008, 21:27:44 »

[moved] [link=http://www.omegaowners.com/forum/YaBB.pl?num=1225142864/0]Maintenance Guides[/link] [move by] TheBoy.