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706

General Discussion Area / One for the Ladies: The Washcloth

« on: 10 February 2010, 18:27:35 »

The Washcloth..............

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been re-scheduled for that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure that I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
Puzzled, I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Never going back to that doctor ever ever!!!

707

General Discussion Area / How to Stop Choking – Australian Style.

« on: 09 February 2010, 18:03:27 »

How to Stop Choking – Australian Style.

An attractive young woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly stood up and began to cough desperately.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,

Two local men, Kenzie and Brian, drinking at the next table, rushed to her side with concern on their faces.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.

The woman signalled: 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian.

The woman shook her head again violently: No!!!

With that, Kenzie moved behind her, and lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her thong, and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her a***e.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe normally again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "My oath Kenzie, I'd heard o’ that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I never believed it could really work!

708

General Discussion Area / Free drinks.

« on: 07 February 2010, 18:46:11 »

Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you have bought the first two"

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, in fact all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. "All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

709

General Discussion Area / Free drinks.

« on: 07 February 2010, 19:04:21 »

Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you have bought the first two"

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, in fact all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. "All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

710

General Discussion Area / Hell

« on: 06 February 2010, 09:42:02 »

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington Chemistry mid-term exam. The answer given by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed)
or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two
possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that: "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over,
it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being, and that all our souls will move there, which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God I'm coming."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

711

General Discussion Area / Married life

« on: 05 February 2010, 23:15:34 »

Subject: Married Life
MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have
a beer. The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"
She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes,Angel Face... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, and now struggling to get off the hook, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back, I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
Now really wading through thick treacle, he says:
"But my sweet honey... at the bar. you know, there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?
LISTEN UP S**T FOR BRAINS! SHUT THE F**K UP, SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG,AND EAT YOUR F*****G HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT S**T IS OVER, GOT IT, DUMBASS ?"

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --

712

General Discussion Area / Chilcot Inquiry

« on: 12 January 2010, 17:18:13 »

What a waste of Public Money. No-one is going to be brought to book, the whole thing is a charade. They wouldn't even allow a lawyer or barrister on the panel. Why? Because they did not want the hard questions asked. Discuss.