Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[EMD]

A man is walking through the jungle.He sees a monkey  with a can opener,he tells the monkey.You don't need a can opener to open a banana.The monkey replies,its for the custard you idiot. 

 

[Varche]

Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies and have sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.
Since our daughter went away to college and then got married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States

[BazaJT]

What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all your devices and accesses your data,the other is a hardware standard!

[Varche]

Drover at the Pearly Gates :

A drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit ?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

Then I yelled, "Now, back off !!! Or I'll kick the sh*t out of the lot of ya !"

St. Peter was very impressed, "When did this happen ?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

[Nick W]

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?


Just the one; they don't have a sense of humour, but they are efficient

[Varche]

How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? - Fish.

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”

How is the diet going?
Not good, I just had eggs for breakfast.
Scrambled?
No Cadbury's.

A P7 class were doing artwork one day when the teacher asks wee Johnny what he's drawing. "I'm drawing God miss", he replies. The teacher just smiles and says, "ah!! but nobody knows what God looks like" Wee Johnny thinks for a second and replies, "well they will in a couple of minutes miss"

For my birthday, my parents bought me a car. It wasn't one I would have chosen for myself, but I had no choice but to accept their gift.
It was a Fiat Accompli.

Police in Glasgow today pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober and he had a full licence with no points.
A police Scotland spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time....

I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to get a shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth.
I think they might be trying to groom me

Today a clown held a door open for me, l thought it was a nice jester.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo l had to put my foot down.

[Varche]

An old one I really like!

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the chief monk said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the chief monk said to him: "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."

Brother John replied, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the chief monk responded. "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the chief monk. "You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold food," answered Brother John, and the chief monk assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the chief monk again called Brother John into his office. "What are your two words you want to say today?"

"I quit," replied Brother John.

"I'm not surprised," said the chief monk. "You've done nothing but whine and complain since you got here."

[Varche]

 Jennifer, a manager at a local supermarket, had the task of hiring someone
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of CV's she found
four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the
four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would
determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of..?'
The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.
'That's very good..!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir..?', she asked the
second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes
and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest
thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of
an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.'
She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's farm, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the paddock
the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A
LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to
me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT.. !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and
I ran for the bathroom, but before I
could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE
LIGHT, I had already messed myself..'
___

[Varche]

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished it he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed, "Where's my ice cream cone?"

"Well", he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too."

She was incensed and cried, "You shellfish bast*rd!"

[Varche]

 A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
It's a Shitzu.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room. He said 'Thanks mate!' I said 'Don't mention it'.

What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?
'Aye Matey'

'I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me'. 'What did he say to you?' 'You're fired'.

What did the communist cat say?
'Mao'
__________________

[Varche]

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about 20 feet behind her and asked, "Can you hear me sweetheart?"

No reply.

He moved to 10 feet and inquired again.

No reply.

5 feet and not a word.

A few inches behind her ear, he asked, "Can you hear me now honey?"

His wife said, "For the fourth time, yes."

[Varche]

 A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and the CEO thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business. He walks up to the guy and asks, "How much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make £200 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy £200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy."
________________

[Varche]

Guy goes to the doctors complaining of hearing loss.
Doc says "can you describe the symptoms?"
Guy replies "Homers a fat bast*rd and Marge has got blue hair"

[Varche]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably... had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

[Varche]

My brother informed me that he'd decided to break up with his sex doll after 5 years.

I said to him.........Well, just remember.............



let her down gently