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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 470764 times)

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Auto Addict

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1065 on: 13 October 2021, 18:43:15 »

Dog to Owner 'I've been barking for ten minutes and you keep shouting at me to shut up, anyway - your cars gone'.
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ronnyd

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1066 on: 13 October 2021, 23:26:43 »

Dog to Owner 'I've been barking for ten minutes and you keep shouting at me to shut up, anyway - your cars gone'.
Where was the CCTV then?  :D
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LC0112G

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1067 on: 02 November 2021, 13:27:23 »

Made I giggle :

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STEMO

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1068 on: 08 November 2021, 15:24:59 »

Come on Malcolm, what made you giggle?
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1069 on: 05 December 2021, 17:26:50 »

It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.

It would be Chrita
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Nicked from another site
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“The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.” Billy Connolly

STEMO

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1070 on: 05 December 2021, 17:46:41 »

It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.

It would be Chrita
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Nicked from another site
Should have left it there, Rog.  ;D
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1071 on: 06 December 2021, 23:24:23 »

It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.

It would be Chrita
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Nicked from another site
Should have left it there, Rog.  ;D

I do try, sort of   ::)
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Raeturbo

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1072 on: 08 December 2021, 23:00:38 »

++++Wife Missing++++

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...
 
Sergeant at Oxford Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Range Rover

Sergeant:
What kind of Range Rover was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Range Rover SDV8 Autobiography - Head Up Display, Traffic Sign Recognition with Lane Departure Warning, 22in Alloy Wheels - 7 Split Spoke Diamond Turned Finish Style 707, Sliding Panoramic Roof Including Powered Blind, Steering Wheel - Heated - Leather and Wood, Privacy Glass with Solar Attenuating Windscreen, Headlining - Leather - Ivory, Veneer - Grand Black Lacquer, 20in Brake Calipers, 21in Alloy Wheels - 10 Spoke Style 101, 4-Way Rear Seat Lumbar, 8in Touch Screen, ACC - Adaptive Cruise Control, Active Vanes, Adaptive Dynamics, Adjustable Seat Bolsters, Airbags - Curtain, Airbags - Front Passenger, Airbags - Front Side, Airbags - Thorax, Auto Access Height, Auto Dimming Rear View Mirror, Auxiliary Points - Rear, Blind Spot Monitor and Closing Vehicle Sensing with Reverse Traffic Detection, Bluetooth Audio Streaming, Bluetooth Phone Connection, CBC - Cornering Brake Control, Carpet - Ebony, Climate Front Seats, Customer Configurable Single Point Entry, DAB - Digital Audio Broadcast, DSC - Dynamic Stability Control, Diesel Misfuelling Protection Device, Door Mirrors - Power Adjustable-Heated-Power Fold-Auto Dimming with Approach Lights, Door Trim - Ebony, Dynamic Response, EBD - Electronic Brake-Force Distribution, ESP - Electronic Stability Program, ETC - Electronic Traction Control, Electric Parking Brake, Electrical Towing Preparation, Electronic Air Suspension - Variable Ride Height, Embossed Autobiography Script on Centre Rear Squab, Extended Veneer Pack, Exterior Standard Bumper Pack, Four-Zone Climate Control, Front Fog Lights, Front Parking Aid with Front Visual Display, Front and Rear Carpet Mats with Contrast Edge and Metal Corners, Front and Rear Recovery Hooks, Full TFT - LCD Instrument Cluster, HDD Premium Navigation with Touch Screen, Hard Disk Audio Server, Headlight Powerwash, Headlights - Automatic, Headlights - High Beam Assist, Headlights - Xenon with LED Signature, Headlining - Alston - Cirrus, Heated Rear Window, Hitching Guidance, Hydrophobic Front Door Glass, Illuminated Aluminium Treadplates with Autobiography Lettering, InControl Apps, InControl Connect Pack, InControl Protect - 3 Year Subscription, InControl Remote Premium - 3 Year Subscription, InControl Secure 3 Year Warranty Period Package, InControl Touch Plus - Level 3, Intelligent Emergency Braking, Keyless Entry, Laminated Hydrophobic Front Door - Toughened Rear Door and Quarter Light Glass, Leather Steering Wheel, Load Compartment Light, Non Smokers Pack, Parcel Shelf - Ebony, Parking Heating with Remote Control, Passenger Seat Away, Power Blinds for Panoramic Roof, Push Button Start, Queue Assist, Rain Sensing Windscreen Wipers, Reactive Grounding Response, Rear Bench Seat with Load Through Facility, Rear Lights - LED, Rear Parking Aid with Visual Display, Roof - Fixed Panoramic, Seat Belts - Ebony, Seats - Cirrus Contrast Stitching, Seats - Climate Rear, Seats - Driver 22-Way Adjustment, Seats - Driver Memory, Seats - Front 18 Way Electric, Seats - Front Massage, Seats - Front Passenger Memory, Seats - Passenger 22-Way Adjustment, Seats - Rear Power Fold, Seats - Rear with Power Recline, Seats - Semi Aniline Leather Style 19, Soft Close Doors, Speakers x17, Steering Column - Electric Tilt - Reach and Rake Adjustable, Steering Wheel - Heated, Subwoofer, Surround Camera System - 5 Cameras, TMC - Dynamic Route Guidance, TPMS - Tyre Pressure Monitoring System, TV - Digital Receiver, Tailgate - Handsfree Powered Electrical Tailgate, Touch Screen with Dual View Technology, Towing Assist, Trailer Reverse Park Guidance, Trailer Stability Control, Twin Tailpipes, USB Socket - Front, Voice Control - Audio, Voice Control - Navigation, Volumetric Alarm, Windscreen - Heated, Wireless Headphones x1

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry sir. We'll find your Range Rover…
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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1073 on: 11 December 2021, 19:48:43 »

3 women go to heaven and on reaching the pearly gates St peter says - when you enter you will see that the floor is covered in baby ducks-you must tread carefully - if you stand on a duck you will be severely punished. The 3 women mince around trying desperately not to stand on a duck when disaster struck. One of them stood on a duck. St Peter got hold of her and chained her to the ugliest most repulsive man you have ever seen and said -you will now be joined to him forever.The other 2 women looked in horror and carefully moved around so as not to stand on a duck. Then the 2nd woman stood on a duck. Again St Peter got hold of her and chained her to another ugly man-so ugly he had weeping zits hanging from his face,fat and smelly. The third woman looked in horror. Another 2 days passed and the 3rd woman still managed not to stand on a duck,she was so pleased. St Peter came over to her and chained her to the most handsome man you have ever seen,. The woman was so surprised- she said to the man - my god what have i done to deserve being chained to you.

The man replied - well i don't know about you - but i stood on a duck
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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1074 on: 11 December 2021, 19:50:52 »

A few minutes before the services began, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.
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dave the builder

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1075 on: 16 December 2021, 09:45:37 »

Got bored today ,
so I’ve been swapping the sweet wrappers in our box of celebrations.
The wife’s not happy .
She got her snickers in a twix
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Mister Rog

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1076 on: 21 December 2021, 11:58:53 »

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
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Archaeologists believe it may be the Pharaoh Roche
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. . . . .  Sorry about that ::)
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dave the builder

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1077 on: 25 December 2021, 14:51:22 »

My New Years resolution is to stop doing everything a week too early  ::)
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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1078 on: 26 December 2021, 10:12:08 »

Aren't older women great?

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old
woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises....
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JasonH

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #1079 on: 26 December 2021, 10:14:07 »

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 euros on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Well, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him
to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost 500 euros and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
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