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[JasonH]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[JasonH]

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman. "No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of the question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

My wife crashed the car recently and had to go to court over it.
She told the judge it was the fault of the man she collided with, as he was on his phone at the time of the accident and was also drinking a can of beer with the other hand.
The judge dismissed her argument on the grounds that the man is entitled to do exactly as he wants in his own back garden.

[STEMO]

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a bar. What are you having, the bartender asked the rabbit. I don't know, he says, I'm only here because of auto correct.

[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

A man was admitted to hospital yesterday with 25 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.
Doctors said his condition is stable.

[Mr Skrunts]

At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said,
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question ,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”

[Nick W]

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a bar. What are you having, the bartender asked the rabbit. I don't know, he says, I'm only here because of auto correct.

Nothing for me, he says, somebody has already given me a t

[Nick W]

Why did the vegan cross the road?


To tell you they're vegan.

[Mr Skrunts]

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Fiat 500."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

[Varche]

£650,000 for Princess Diana’s RS Turbo is very reasonable considering Prince Andrew’s Escort cost him £12 million .

[dave the builder]

£650,000 for Princess Diana’s RS Turbo is very reasonable considering Prince Andrew’s Escort cost him £12 million .

Prince Andrew's was a younger model

[Raeturbo]

Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he couldn’t get his cock out of the chicken.

[johnnydog]

A lecturer is giving a talk on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost.?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have of you have spoken to a ghost?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Abdul right at the back.

Guy says to Abdul, "I have been doing this for over 40 years and you are the first that has claimed to have had sex with a ghost. Please can you explain?"

Abdul says, "Sorry, I couldn't hear you properly at the back, I thought you said a goat."

[JasonH]

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend,
Brian and his wife, Lizzy, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Brian leaned over, touched Lizzy's arm gently,
and whispered, "Homepride, isn't it ?"

And thus began Brian's life of celibacy.​

[JasonH]

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?


'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.