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[PhilRich]

A young woman is alone in a railway carriage when a
dishevelled lout walks in, sits opposite her and takes out a
packet of peeled prawns to eat. Belching and farting, he eats
his way through the packet and then throws the empty carton
onto the floor.
At this point the young woman gets up, gathers together all
the rubbish and throws it out of the window. She then pulls
the communication cord.
“You silly bitch,” he chuckles, “that’ll cost you a £50 fine.”
“Maybe,” replies the lady. “But it’ll cost you 15 years when
they smell your fingers.”

[PhilRich]

“Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?” asked the
judge.
“break all,” said the defendant.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that,” replied the judge and turning
to the clerk of the court, he asked him what the man had
said.
“He said break all, Your Honour” responded the court official.
“Really?” puzzled the judge. “I could have sworn I saw his
lips move.”

[PhilRich]

“Hello Daz", said Guffer, "What are you doing riding around on that
woman’s bike?”
“Well, it’s a long story,” replied Daz. “I was on my way into
town when this really fit looking lass passes me on a bike. She stops, waits
for me to catch up, gives me a kiss and then takes her clothes
off!”
“You can have anything you want,” she says, so I took the
bike…Well, I’m not a pervert, I don’t wear women’s
clothes.”

[PhilRich]

“Why have you got those marks on your knees?” her friend
asked.
“Oh, it’s making love, doggie style.”
“Well, why don’t you change positions?”
“I’m willing, but the dog isn’t.”

[PhilRich]

Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach
when they come across a man sunbathing. He has no arms
or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, “Have you ever
been hugged?”
The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him
a big hug. The second girl asks him if he has ever been
kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and
gives him a long lingering kiss. Then the third girl asks him
if he has ever been f*cked.
“No, no,” he stammers, his face lighting up in anticipation.
“Well, you are now,” she replies “the tide’s coming in.”

[Victor Meldrew]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out and then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen" Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

[jonnycool]

  Some very good 'uns there 

[Dishevelled Den]

“Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?” asked the
judge.

“break all,” said the defendant//.....

  Splendid

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."//.....

  Outstanding.

[Victor Meldrew]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."//.....

  Outstanding.

That's the problem, it wasn't!!! 

[Kendo1690]

Walked passed the fridge earlier & I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song. But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin'..

I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion? But it said, "I'm stayin' a chive, stayin' a chive, ah, ah, ah, ah stayin' a chive....!!"

[Victor Meldrew]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
 
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'?

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[PhilRich]

A young girl travelling on a crowded train asked a man if she
could have his seat because she was pregnant. The man
immediately jumped up and the girl sat down. As the man
looked at her he remarked, “You don’t look pregnant, how
far gone are you?”
“Oh, about 30 minutes,” she replied “but it sure is
knackering.”

[PhilRich]

Looking through an open bedroom window one night, a
Peeping Tom came upon a young couple playing a rather
kinky game. Stark naked, they were sitting in opposite
corners of the room, a bag of marbles besides the man, and
a pile of hoops besides the woman. As he watched the
woman threw a hoop and it landed on the man’s erect penis.
“Hooray!” she said “One to me”.
Then the man rolled a marble straight between her legs and
cheered “Now it’s one all.”
The next day the Peeping Tom’s wife was going shopping
and asked him if there was anything he needed.
“Yes,” he replied with a secret grin on his face “A bag of
sprouts and a packet of polo mints.”

[PhilRich]

Johnny goes to work on a farm and is put in charge of the
sheep. To his dismay he cannot get them to lamb so seeks
advice from an old mate, brought up in country ways.
“Get your sheep in the tractor, take them up to the top of the
moors at the dead of night and shag them yourself,” says the
friend. “Then in the morning if they’re lying down they’ll be
pregnant.”
So that night Johnny does as he’s been told, takes them up to
the moors in his tractor and gives them all a good shagging.
Next morning he looks out of his window but they’re all
standing up. So next day he tries again, takes them up the
moors in his tractor, does the business, but the next morning
they’re still all standing up. The following night he goes
through the routine again but the next morning he’s woken
up by a terrible noise.
“Bloody hell,” he curses, looking down into the farmyard.
The sheep are all sat in the tractor sounding the horn.

[PhilRich]

The recruiting officer was giving a lecture on survival to an
adult education class at the local college. He laid out all the
items from his knapsack including flares, water, chocolate,
torch, map, warm clothing etc. plus a pack of cards.
“What are the cards for?” asked one bright spark.
“Ah ha,” replied the officer. “Once you’ve tried all other
means of survival, take your pack of cards and lay out a
game of patience. You can lay odds that after a couple of
minutes some bugger will come along and say black eight on
the red nine!”

The Officer was giving a lecture on survival to a class of
New Entries at Regimental Barracks . He laid out all the
items from his knapsack including flares, water, chocolate,
torch, map, warm clothing etc. plus a pack of cards.
“What are the cards for?” asked one bright spark.
“Ah ha,” replied the officer. “Once you’ve tried all other
means of survival, take your pack of cards and lay out a
game of patience. You can lay odds that after a couple of
minutes some bugger will come along and say black eight on
the red nine!”