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[JasonH]

Last night whilst watching television I said to the wife "you know what you're the absolute double of Jennifer Anniston".
She gave me a cheeky grin and said "really?" I said "yes sweetheart she's 9 stone and you're 18"

I truly appreciated everything the paramedics did last night. I'm in Ward 15, and I'd like some visitors...

[JasonH]

A police officer knocked at my door and asked where I was between 5 and 6. I told him infants school....

[JasonH]

Although Jesus was a carpenter he never actually sang on any of the albums!

[JasonH]

I was at the checkout in my local supermarket yesterday evening and the lady on it said to me: “You’re single, aren’t you?”

I responded enthusiastically: “Yes, how on earth did you know, is it because I buy a small loaf and a small tin of beans here every evening?”

“No, nothing to do with the loaf and beans,” she replied, ......

...... “I knew because you’re so ugly.”

[Varche]

I said to my doctor, "I'm convinced everybody is trying to read my mind.

But you already know that."