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[Crazycarzowner]

A man walks into a restaurant with a large ostrich following behind him.
They sit down and the waitress comes across to take their order. The man
says: "A hamburger, fries and a coke." She looks at the ostrich sitting
there and it says: "I'll have the same." They both eat in silence and when
the waitress came across with the bill, which came to $12.40, the man
reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount.

The next day the man and the ostrich come again and again the man says,
"A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact money for the bill.

On the third night, the waitress sees them come in and says: "Hi folks,
the usual?" The man replies: "No thanks, being as it's Friday night I'll
have a steak, baked potato and salad." The ostrich says: "I'll have the same."

Afterwards, when the waitress brought the bill for $21.60 over, the man
pulled the exact amount out of his pocket and placed it in her hand.

Being a polite waitress she had never commented on this unusual situation but she felt she had to say something at this. "Excuse me sir," she said. "How do you always manage to have the exact amount in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million
pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as
you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money
is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies: "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Crazycarzowner]

Little Johnny came in from school and asked if he could take his dog, Molly, for a walk.
"You can't dear, Molly's in heat," said the mother.
"What's heat, Mummy?" asked Johnny.
"Your dad is out in the garage. You better go ask him," said Mummy.
"Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Mummy says I can't cause she's in heat. What's heat?"

His dad was cleaning his tools in some petrol. He took a rag, dipped it in the petrol and rubbed it all over Molly's rear end. "Don't worry about it, son. This will fix her." With that, Little Johnny took Molly for the walk.
About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog.
"Where's Molly?" his dad asked.
"She ran out of gas about two blocks away, Daddy," answered Little Johnny,
"But don't worry: one of the neighbor's dogs is pushing her home."

[Dishevelled Den]

Grandma's 

http://www.butterworths-int.co.uk/grandmas guns.jpg

  That's the way to do it.

[blackviper90210]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams ..

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams .

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady,
'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's
just having her head drilled to fit the halo .......'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm
going to hell .'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'
                                                             
 
 

[Nickbat]

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

 

[Mr Skrunts]

1.) THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.....Any part under a car's hood.
Male.........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2.) VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..........Playing football without a cup.

3.) COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male..........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4.) COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.....A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5.) ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female.....A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6.) FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.....An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male.........A source of entertainment, self-statement, male bonding.

7.) MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.....The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8.) REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.....A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male..........A device for scanning through all 175 channels.

[Mr Skrunts]

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same
manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall,
she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

[Mr Skrunts]

The Stolen Car

A drunk walks out of a bar with a car key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies, holding up his key.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wang is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out.......... "I'll be damned - My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

[Rods2]

My daughter has just told me she wants a big fat gypsy wedding.

So I've arranged for her husband-to-be to nick the lead off the church roof and have a punch up at the reception.

[dbug]

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children. 

Then Ted died of Heart Disease. 

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. 
   
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. 
 
Again Judy remarried, and this time she & John had 5 more children. 

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.   
 
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.   
 
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 

"Lord, they are finally together."   

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:   

"Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"






















 

Margaret replied:  "I think he means her legs, Ethel" 

[farty_towels]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

[Plomien]

my welsh mate was found dead yesterday. he died the way he would have wanted to go...... he passed away in his sheep.

[Plomien]

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

[dbug]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." he said.

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Varche]

The Year 2011 is gone and the stats have been tabulated.

Homeland Security just provided their end-of-the-year statistics

on airport screenings in the U.S.


It is amazing what those full-body scanners have shown:

 

* Terrorist Plots Discovered: 0


* Transvestites: 743


* Enlarged Prostates: 19,249

 

* Breast Implants: 249,350


* Colon problems: 27,298


* Natural Blondes: 3