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[MaxV6]

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
__________________

[Johnny English]

Haha it sounds like a man-woman dictionary. 

[aaronjb]

It's frightening how many of these are intimately familiar to me! The Jag workshop manual is just as bad.. to remove the brake discs "Undo the retaining screw [did that] and remove the disc [could only do that by taking the hub off the car and beating on it upside down with two lump hammers]"

[DaveA]

  Very very familia

[Johnny English]

The Haynes has got really good reputation though...maybe because of the cars they dismantled were at really good condition?

[sticka_v8_init]

  Just about spot on fella     

[MaxV6]

the most useful i have ever seen a haynes manual be, is as a platform for TB and Mark to stand on when reaching over the engine bay on a former car (elite No1,  S reg MFL black elite estate....  )


when i were a lad,  actually,  they were more useful.....    to start with they were printed on proper sodding paper ,   not toilet tissue.... so you could actually read the text and decipher the pictures...     these days , the paper is SO thin that you can almost read the text on the other side of the page and the picture quality is so poor,   because of the paper quality....  that they might as well not bother,.

then there's the small matter of the above translations actually being more accurate than is entirely funny....

 

[Kevin Wood]

Yep, Haynes manuals have gone downhill.

With the older books it was clear that the author had actually done the jobs described rather than pondered how it might be done, copied and pasted a few paragraphs out of the previous manual he'd written for an unrelated car and advised you to take it to a main dealer and get it checked afterwards. 

Read the Haynes V6 cam belt change procedure some time and compare it with the OOF DVD. 

[Zippy2012]

& how come that some of the pictures for the car are for a compleatly different make & model??
& even tho stated on the front doesnt cover the spec model of car your working on??
oh & they always forget that extra bolt/screw that you are ment to know is there!! in "undo all screws holding unit in!"
oh & theres also the statement see figure 13.1a or paragraph 1.1.16??? you spend more time going back & forwards trying to find exsactly what you want???
& things you would assume would be covered in 1 section i.e engine! is in the cooling part? but have to go from section to section to work out how to get it apart!!
OOF How to do is way more helpfull/useful & way better pictures!!!

Any way very good & made me laugh!
First rule in the AA Handbook ... if in dout give it a clout!! 2nd if still in dout get a bigger hammer!!

[Keith ABS]

   Many moons ago I had a Victor FB estate. I had to rebuild the engine. The book of lies had the torque figure wrong for the main bearings. I found this out after I knocked the bearings out and had to have the crank reground.... again. Costly.   Keith B

[doz]

You may find this shocking but the VX manual for the LC has the wrong torque figure for the cam caps. Tighten them to this spec and your be looking for a new head pretty quickly. The Haynes manual is actually right!!!!!! Still it is one of the older manuals. Think the newer Haynes wiring diagrams are pony to. I remember the days when they use to show you have to strip and rebuild a gearbox. Now they just tell you how to remove it and expect you to fit a new one.

[ozzycat]

  bloody hell that brought back some memorys