Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: maria on 05 April 2008, 21:07:55
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As any one got any good jokes too tell i could do with a laugh right now and be cheered up :y
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A father was watching his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was watching two insects mating.
"Daddy, what are those two flies doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the fly on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden!" ;D
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Come on some one must have some to tell i cant think of any at the mo
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Now that made me laugh deb thanks ;D :y
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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in what manner you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out." ;D
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There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her
what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. Many of us have
experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk. The receptionist said, 'Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why
you're here to see the doctor today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor
in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
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I loved that one ;D ;D ;D now i am cheering up debs
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A seven year old girl loved her drives out on a sunday morning with her grandpa, but this particuler sunday he wasn't feeling too good, so granma took her out for a drive.
On return the little girl rushed upstairs to see grandpa & to tell him all about her drive.
"Well, did you enjoy your drive out today without me"? he asked.
"Oh yes papa" "We didn't see one dumb arsehole or any stupid tw$ts" she replied
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A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass Was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side Near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people That broke my window?'
'Uh yes, sir. We are so sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary.. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now That you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you Each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out 'I'd like a million pound a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady,
What do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife. The husband looked at his wife and said,'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right, considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'
'We're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No shit!!!' he said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?!?'
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I loved it ;D ;D ;D
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When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I
decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits
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Brilliant, and have you found her yet ;D
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:y
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Cool :) :y have fun
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A man wants to buy his wife a special present for their anniversery & he decides to buy a negligee, so he goes to the shops & find sheerest one possible, which cost him alot of money.
He gets home, gives it to his wife & asks her to go up stairs, put it on & model it for him.
She goes up stairs & upwraps the present, she sees how see through it is & decides not to wear it, but to return it to the shop & get a refund.
She walks down stairs, strikes a pose, to which her husband chokes on his wine & replies " for all that money, i would've thought they would've ironed for me"
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Like it ;D ;D ;D
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The fact you are calling it a "big end" just goes to show you've been servicing the wrong model.
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A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
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The priest in a small village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But, one Saturday night the cock went missing!! The priest knew that cockfights happened in the village, so he started to question his parishioners in the church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no!", he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests, and a goat stood up.
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Now that made me laugh ;D ;D :y
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Fantastic. TPMS ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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I asked for some jokes now i am getting lots to read thanks every one for cheering me up tonight as i needed it :y
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...Goodness me, I miss him!
But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited!”
“Good,” said the husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a senior manager with BT, this time I KNOW I’m gonna get SCREWED!
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Now THAT I like .. :)
;D ;D ;D :y :y :y
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I read that befor but its a good joke and makes me laugh every time ;D ;D
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A small boy accompanied his parents to a nudistcolony. They all stripped off and went out into thegarden. The boy looked round with interest and then asked his father why some men had big ones and
some men had small ones.Dad couldn't be bothered with long explanations sohe just said, "Those with big ones are smart and those with small ones are stupid"
The boy wandered off on his own for a while and then met his father again.
"Have you seen mother?" asked his Dad.
"She's behind that bush over there said the the boy
talking to a stupid man who's getting smarter bythe minute!"
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Love it ;D ;D ;D
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As any one got any good jokes too tell i could do with a laugh right now and be cheered up :y
gordon brown has announced cheaper petrol, gas and electric,beer and wine. the congestion charge will stop and all speed cameras removed, and im going to win euro millions next week ;D ;D ;D ;D
richie
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That would be nice if you did and you would be one happy chap ;D
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money wouldnt make me happier, or would it lol.but i know i wouldnt be getting up at 6 every morning anymore. :) :)
richie
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Thats ture but can get up in the afternoon instead and have a good lay in if only :)
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Four blokes and a woman are stuck in a lift
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first bloke says, 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful,
Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second bloke says, 'I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you
know...''Double Income, No Kids Yet. '
The third one says, 'I'm a R.U.B., you
know...''Rich, Urban, Biker. '
The fourth bloke says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you
know...'Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What
are you?''
She replies: 'I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fu*k, Etc.''
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A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of
problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with
at a salon. The brunette told her,
"There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not
legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell
the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of
mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will
turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it
shouldn't be a problem to sell."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did
you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles
on it."
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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing
alone , and she approached him .
"Hi....My name is Carmen", she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most
- cars , and men "
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "B. J. Titsenbeer". ...........
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Brilliant ;D ;D ;D ;D
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These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the
Council about problems with their flats:
* My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus
growing in it.
* He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.
* It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.
* I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.
* I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.
* And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.
* I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
* My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
* I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
* Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and
fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
* I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
* 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy.
* I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
* The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
* Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.
* Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
* I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am
his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
* The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
* Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so
please send someone round to do something about it.
* I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
* Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.
* I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have
no satisfaction.
* This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2
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I've just bought a race horse and called it "My Face". No idea if it's
going to be any good, but I've entered it at Royal Ascot.
Can't wait for Lady's Day so I can hear all those rich stuck up
bitches screaming "COME ON MY FACE!" ;)
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Love it but they never do sort things out very quick :y
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I've just bought a race horse and called it "My Face". No idea if it's
going to be any good, but I've entered it at Royal Ascot.
Can't wait for Lady's Day so I can hear all those rich stuck up
bitches screaming "COME ON MY FACE!" ;)
Love that one ;D ;D ;D
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Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work over half a mile every day and passes a shoe shop.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, £200, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Gennaro answers,
'I see the reflection in my new £200 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new £200 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red.
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this eez true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps,
'Thanka God .. I thought I had a CRACK in my £200 Boccelli leather shoes!'
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Now that made me lol ;D ;D ;D ;D I shall never get to bed at this rate ;D ;D ;D
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A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes
to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks her 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man
and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving
and concerned voice
'Look love, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this bloke
shows
up again'.
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the
door.
The husband says to his wife in a whispered voice 'sweetheart, I'm
going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same bloke I
want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is
going with it'.
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same bloke is standing there and asks the same
question.
Do you have vagina'.......
'Yes' she says......
The man replies.. 'Good! Then Would you mind telling your husband to leave
my
wife's alone and start using YOURS ?'
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Two condoms driving past a gay bar. One said "wanna get sh*t faced!"
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A policeman stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled
motorcycle in the mountains. It was extremely cold, and the motorcyclist was heavily dressed in helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. "What's wrong?"he said...
In a muffled voice, the rider replied, "Frozen carburettor." "Well, p¡ss on it," said the cop. "Can't!" replied the rider. The helpful cop then took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburettor, and soon the bike fired right up. A few days later the police station got a thank you note from a grateful father for the roadside assistance the police gave his young daughter.
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Brilliant ;D ;D ;D
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Well Maria, I hope I helped cheer you up a little. Laughter is the best medicine going, and if I can just make someone smile, it makes my day.
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Well Maria, I hope I helped cheer you up a little. Laughter is the best medicine going, and if I can just make someone smile, it makes my day.
You sure made me smile tonght thewelshman ,I needed it , thanks :y ;) :)
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AEROPLANE BLONDE
AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BEAVER LEAVER
A homosexual.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e. 'I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter'.
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BOILER SUIT
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus a forethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. 'Couple of Britneys please, Doreen'.
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG
The female erection.
BUNNY-BOILER
An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film 'Fatal Attraction', e.g. 'I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler'.
DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
FRIGMAROLE
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
oppsSHIToppsSHIToppsSHIT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually opps-all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!'.
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
The need to defecate imminently.
PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - 'It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!' Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.
PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
RAGMAN'S COAT
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. 'That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat !'
RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE
To defecate e.g. ' I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage'.
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB
SPERM WAIL or SPUPHEMISM
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual.
SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TEN-PINTER
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.
TWO-BAGGER or DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).
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Like it :D :D :D
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god knows what happened there, was trying to pick the best ones out ???
hope nobody is offended by any of these.
richie
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No I dont get offended I just laugh ;D ;D ;D
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same here to be honest, life is stressing enough without having to be p.c. :) :) :y
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I know what you mean and know what it feels being stressed so its nice to have laugh :)
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This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human
kindness. Someone who teaches at an school in Cardiff forwarded
the following letter.
The letter was sent to the headmasters office after the school had
sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio
at the lunch as a prize and was writing to say thank you. This story
is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might
need a lift today.
Dear Headmaster:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Thornhill
Assisted Home for the Aged. My family have all passed away and I am
alone so thank you for your kindness to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio , but she would
never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day
her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It
was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine
but I told her to f **k off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
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Love it and and edna had every right to say F***k off that teach her friend not to be so mean in the future ;D ;D ;D
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Marriage
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
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Really like that one ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Claude & Maude met at the Senior Citizens' singles club meeting and
discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for a meal and, much to his delight, sheaccepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking; "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
gentler."
Maude was thinking; "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken
off my tights.
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A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch."
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They both made me laugh ;D ;D ;D I shall have to to bed soon me thinks ;D :y
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Nos Dar. Hope you go to sleep with a smile on your face, and wake with a big grin.
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Well just like to say thanks for cheering me up and making me smile, I am going to bed now so night night to the members who made me smile ;) :y :)