Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: simonturner on 11 May 2008, 23:19:20
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All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent co-workers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage.
But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump.
I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fibre cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.
As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon.
Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping.
I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:
1.Occupied.
2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3.Poo on seat.
4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.
I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be.
Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut.
The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.
Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might.
I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.
Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.
It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate.
This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task.
Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "got to go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.
There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water.
That must have been the last straw.
I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.
I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public --
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It took me 6 attempts to read this in between me choking on my coco pops and eyes watering. That is so funny. Toilet Humour Rules
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It took me 6 attempts to read this in between me choking on my coco pops and eyes watering. That is so funny. Toilet Humour Rules
lol ive had that one in my list for a while now and it still makes me laugh even now, its one of the best I have ever read.
Anyone who can read that without laughing must have a serious sense of humour failure;D
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;D ;D ;D :y
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so that was you next door, you owe me a phone and a new nose ;D
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i must have missed something , whats the joke
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Many years ago when I was an apprentice my gaffer was telling a story of him sat in one of the closets and he allways dreaded one of the above scenarios happening whilst he was minding his own business.
Any way, the story was similar to the one above, the guy rushed in, togs down as he went to sit and sounding like he just held the door shut with his foot.
A sigh of relief and a few trumpetting noises later the guy got up to leave.
Apparently in his haste the back of his overalls didnt end up arround his feet, they ended up draped accross the toilet seat.
All I can say is I am glad I wasnt there :-/
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it was me who was in the next trap, deeeeeeeeer ;D
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My favourite 'toilet humour' gag is a true one that fellow cadets and I used at least 3 times in years gone by...
Involves the use of the two compounds that are disolved to make the two seperate liquids inside a foam fire extinguisher. You know the ones that are cream colour and require you to turn upside down to allow both liquids to mix and 1) create foam and 2) the CO2 gas to propel the foam out.
First, mix compound powder 'A' in the toilet sistern.
Then mix compound powder 'B' in the pan.
All perfectly safe until Lazy fekker Z decides to flush with the elbow whilst still seated on the pan and kegs at the ankles...
result - copious foam erupting from the pan amidst loud shouts of displeasure...
A gag and a half and, surprisingly, most harmless!
.....not counting any health hazzard from whatever happens to float upwards out the pan with the foam, that is..... :P
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we have put cling film over the loo bowl, its dead funny when folks go for i pi...s
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Engineers Blue also works well.....
Provokes a ring of confidence that lasts for 3 or 4 days before it can be washed off.... ;)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTz7ZBkA2wM
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lol ;D ;D ;D
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thats a good un ;D ;D ;D
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTz7ZBkA2wM
Bloody hell,
:o
I'm never leaving the house again..... ;D
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i must have missed something , whats the joke
yep deffo missed something , read it again but properly this time ,,, very good m8 ;D ;D :y
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My type of humour :y ;D ;D
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That is so funny ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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i'm trying to laugh quietly.....but i am crying so much from laughter
:y :y :y
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It took me 6 attempts to read this in between me choking on my coco pops and eyes watering. That is so funny. Toilet Humour Rules
me too, its childish but sooo funny! :y
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when i worked at pony express a good few years ago there was an ex RSM from the Guards regt who told me a story of what he did to an officer whilst on manourves in germany,said officer went for a dump rsm crept up quietly and put his shovel under said officers arse and caught the poo and removed it said officer then got up and could not find poo and quickly undressed trying to locate poo and where it had gone the rsm by this time had gone back to wait for said officers return the poor officer by this time was very worried it had gone somewhere in his combats and was as white a sheet when he came back.... ;D ;D
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That was just brilliant ;D ;D ;D ;D
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :) 8-) ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
i thimk i just wet my self all that was so funny took ages to read it casic! :y
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This should be banned !!!
Made the mistake of reading it at work ( during my lunch break naturally!) ---- They thought I was having a fit ( trying desperately not to laugh out loud, and crying too!!!) ;D ;D ;D ;D
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D