Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Mr Skrunts on 19 May 2008, 18:04:43
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Let Me Rephrase
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.
The Horse Rancher asks. “How will I recognize him?”
“That’s easy…he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”
So the midget shows up, and the rancher asks him if he’s looking for a male or a female horse.
“A female horth.”
So he shows him a prized filly.
“Nith lookin horth, can I thee her eyeth?”
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.
“Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?”
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.
“Nice earzth, can I thee her mouf?”
The Rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.
“Nice mouf, can I thee her idiot?”
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s pussy, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
“Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?”
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;D ;D ;D ;D
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Just One of Those Days
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened that’s so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that’s not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm…
Farmer: Some things you just can’t explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in…..
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Bear Hunting
John just bought a new rifle and he couldn’t wait to try it out. He decided he would try his hand at hunting bears. On his hunting trip, John spotted a small brown bear and shot it. A couple seconds after he shot, John felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see a big black bear standing there. The black bear said, “That was my cousin you shot. You’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have sex.”
After considering his options for a moment, John reluctantly decided to have sex with the bear. Even though he was sore for two weeks, John soon recovered and vowed to get his revenge on the big black bear.
John headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find a big grizzly bear standing right next to him. The grizzly said, “You’ve made a big mistake, John. That black bear was my cousin and now you’ve got two choices; either I maul you to death or we have rough sex.” Once again, John agreed to the sex.
John barely survived and it took several months for him to recover. He was determined to get his revenge on the grizzly. John headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. Finally, revenge was his, but then there was a yet another tap on his shoulder! John turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him with a sneer and said, “Admit it, John, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”
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Too Weak for Two Weeks
Three couples - one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed - were interested in joining the church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new members. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed to the terms and they all came back at the end of the two week period.
The priest went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father.”
“Congratulations, you are now members of the church!” said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”
The middle-aged man replied, “The first week wasn’t too bad. The second week I ended up having to sleep on the couch for a few nights, but yes, we made it.”
“Congratulations you are now members of the church!” said the priest.
Finally, the priest went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Were you two newlyweds able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”
“No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.
“What happened?” asked the priest.
“My wife was reaching for a can of soup on the top shelf and she dropped it,” said the man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”
“I see. Unfortunately this means you will not be welcomed into our church,” said the priest.
“We know,” said the couple. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”
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Nice to Meet You!
A man is at the desk in a hotel lobby. As he turns around to leave, he bumps into an attractive woman standing behind him. Unfortunately his elbow hit her square in the breast. The two of them are both pretty startled by the incident. The man turns to the woman and says, “Miss, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I just know you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replies, “Sir, if your penis is as hard as your elbow, you can find me in room 234.”
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Three Wishes
One morning a woman was walking out of her house, when she notices a strange little man standing in her garden.
“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you so now you owe me three wishes!”.
The goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”.
The woman stops to think for a moment, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”
The goblins replies “OK, done. What’s your second wish?”.
The woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a shiney new Mercedes.”
The gobline says, “OK, you’ve got that too. What’s your third wish?”
“My last wish is a million dollars!”, replies the woman.
The goblin then says “OK, I will grant your wishes. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex with me all night long.”
The woman hesitates a moment but says, “OK then, if that’s what it takes!”
Next morning the goblin wakes the woman up.
“Tell me,” says the goblin, “how old are you?”
“I’m 27[ch8243], the woman replies.
“Holy shit!”, says the little man, “you’re 27 years old and you still believe in goblins!?!?”
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:y debs has a rival ;D ;D
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D to all Skruntie :y
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The cow & the farmer ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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;D ;D ;D
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Will try and post a few each day. :y :y
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;D ;D ;D to all :y
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;D ;D ;D........ :y
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;D ;D ;D ;D
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The Right Woman for the Job
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”
The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
“This gun is loaded with blanks”, she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
Moral: Women are evil. Don’t mess with them.
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not all are lol but that was a good one ;D ;D ;D
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not all are lol but that was a good one ;D ;D ;D
I totally agree, now please take the gun from my head.
Pretty please
[size=14]Pretty Please[/size]
[size=16]Pretty please[/size]
[size=20]Pretty Please[/size]