Omega Owners Forum

Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 00:25:54

Title: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 00:25:54
Bob’s Last Letter


Dear Friends: It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took “early retirement” in April, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper.

I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren’t cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can’t make another trip down those steps. I don’t make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday’s or Saturday’s poker club or to Tuesday’s or Thursday’s bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I’m not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed, Bob

Bob’s funeral was on Saturday, January 25th.

Nancy was acquitted Monday, January 27th.
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 00:27:17
Listen Up


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”

The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful!!’”
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 00:28:10
A Real Catch


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy “So I hear you’re getting Married?”

“Yep!”

“Do I know her?”

“Nope!”

“This woman, is she good looking?”

“Not really.”

“Is she a good cook?”

“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”

“Does she have lots of money?”

“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”

“Well then, is she good in bed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”

“Because she can still drive!”
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 00:30:10
Seeing Things


Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it, and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.

The officer approaches Paddy’s car and asks him what on earth he was doing.

Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says,

“Fer crissakes, Paddy, that’s yer air freshener!”
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: FRE07962128 on 24 May 2008, 12:34:15
All brilliant as usual Skruntie! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y

I take it your better half is working like mad as you are relaxing, drinking and finding all these wonderful articles! ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 12:50:19
My better half.

MMMM.

Long story.

Let's just say, happy and single spring to mind at the moment.  :D
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: FRE07962128 on 24 May 2008, 13:45:47
Quote
My better half.

MMMM.

Long story.

Let's just say, happy and single spring to mind at the moment.  :D

Ah, you poor thing! :'( :'( :'(  I know you are putting on a brave face.  There is no-one to do all those domestic jobs for you! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 13:53:14
HAHA

Dont set me off.

Never married but engaged twice.

Could say that the relationships dint last, but then I could say I had 2 very lucky escapes. ;D ;D ;D


Dysons (for doing the house work before someone gets smart (Lizie)) and Dishwashers are wonderfull things.  :y :y
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: FRE07962128 on 24 May 2008, 17:21:03
Quote
HAHA

Dont set me off.

Never married but engaged twice.

Could say that the relationships dint last, but then I could say I had 2 very lucky escapes. ;D ;D ;D


Dysons (for doing the house work before someone gets smart (Lizie)) and Dishwashers are wonderfull things.  :y :y

"Dishwashers"?!!!!  For one person Skruntie?!  All it takes is a bowl of hot water, washing up liquid, a scourer, and, if you want to protect your soft hands, a pair of Marigolds! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Get a good woman in your life to control you...you need it! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y


Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Entwood on 24 May 2008, 17:33:05
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

BTW ...  31 years married here ... to the same SWTSMBO !!! and still going ... :)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Andy B on 24 May 2008, 18:06:13
Quote
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

BTW ...  31 years married here ... to the same SWTSMBO !!! and still going ... :)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Not that far behind you mate with 25 years!   :-? and still going & going & going ........  :-/  ;)
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: albitz on 24 May 2008, 18:18:18
27 years,if i had commited murder i would have been out by now  :D
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 18:21:57
Quote
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

BTW ...  31 years married here ... to the same SWTSMBO !!! and still going ... :)
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Nice one matey.    :y :y
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Martin_1962 on 24 May 2008, 18:38:54
nearly 15
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 18:46:43
Quote
Quote
HAHA

Dont set me off.

Never married but engaged twice.

Could say that the relationships dint last, but then I could say I had 2 very lucky escapes. ;D ;D ;D


Dysons (for doing the house work before someone gets smart (Lizie)) and Dishwashers are wonderfull things.  :y :y

"Dishwashers"?!!!!  For one person Skruntie?!  All it takes is a bowl of hot water, washing up liquid, a scourer, and, if you want to protect your soft hands, a pair of Marigolds! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Get a good woman in your life to control you...you need it! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y




Nooooo.

I have it all worked out.

The plan is that I am buying a dishwasher when I move (12 Place settings)

Then I buy 2 crockery sets and 2 cutlery sets.

So basically I set off with an empty DWsher and slowly fill it up as the week goes on.

Now the problem I have (which is where a woman would come in handy) is whether I buy 6/8/12 place setting for the cutlery and crockery.

With a 6 piece, I would have to start on set 2 before the end of the week.

But with an 8 piece I would have 1 place setting that never gets used. (But at least I have a spare n case of breakage.

Now being practical, I could but 2 x 6 place, and alternate the schemes till the DW is full, therefore making for an economical use of the DW.

But I am planning a diet, and rather than go for a fad diet, I would rather change my food portions.  This would mean I would only use small plates. Which would then mean I would need 3 x 8 place's as I would want 24 small plates.

You see now that I am thinking like a woman, I have to stop and think why???

Why spend £350 on a dishwasher

Why buy multiple sets of cutlery and crockery.

Why not just buy picnic knifes and forks (Plastic disposable) and paper plates.

Then all I need is the odd roll of bin liners and it's all sorted.



Simplicity.

Why complicate life with a woman in it.
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: FRE07962128 on 24 May 2008, 19:23:01
Quote
Quote
Quote
HAHA

Dont set me off.

Never married but engaged twice.

Could say that the relationships dint last, but then I could say I had 2 very lucky escapes. ;D ;D ;D


Dysons (for doing the house work before someone gets smart (Lizie)) and Dishwashers are wonderfull things.  :y :y

"Dishwashers"?!!!!  For one person Skruntie?!  All it takes is a bowl of hot water, washing up liquid, a scourer, and, if you want to protect your soft hands, a pair of Marigolds! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Get a good woman in your life to control you...you need it! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y




Nooooo.

I have it all worked out.

The plan is that I am buying a dishwasher when I move (12 Place settings)

Then I buy 2 crockery sets and 2 cutlery sets.

So basically I set off with an empty DWsher and slowly fill it up as the week goes on.

Now the problem I have (which is where a woman would come in handy) is whether I buy 6/8/12 place setting for the cutlery and crockery.

With a 6 piece, I would have to start on set 2 before the end of the week.

But with an 8 piece I would have 1 place setting that never gets used. (But at least I have a spare n case of breakage.

Now being practical, I could but 2 x 6 place, and alternate the schemes till the DW is full, therefore making for an economical use of the DW.

But I am planning a diet, and rather than go for a fad diet, I would rather change my food portions.  This would mean I would only use small plates. Which would then mean I would need 3 x 8 place's as I would want 24 small plates.

You see now that I am thinking like a woman, I have to stop and think why???

Why spend £350 on a dishwasher

Why buy multiple sets of cutlery and crockery.

Why not just buy picnic knifes and forks (Plastic disposable) and paper plates.

Then all I need is the odd roll of bin liners and it's all sorted.



Simplicity.

Why complicate life with a woman in it.

Because we bring beauty, culture and sophistication to any given situation, and would also have wonderful cutlery and crockery that would bring sunshine to your life every time you sit down for a meal :D :D :D ;D ;).

Plastic knives, forks, and paper plates indeed!  ::) ::) ::) How can you even consider them for everyday use outside of a BBQ!  Think of the environment if not yourself; you poor man, you need that special woman desparately! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Richie London on 24 May 2008, 19:35:06
Quote
HAHA

Dont set me off.

Never married but engaged twice.

Could say that the relationships dint last, but then I could say I had 2 very lucky escapes. ;D ;D ;D

very lucky escape m8, took me 20 yrs to escape from stalag heathrow.  ;D ;D ;D

Dysons (for doing the house work before someone gets smart (Lizie)) and Dishwashers are wonderfull things.  :y :y
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 19:50:28
Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
HAHA

Dont set me off.

Never married but engaged twice.

Could say that the relationships dint last, but then I could say I had 2 very lucky escapes. ;D ;D ;D


Dysons (for doing the house work before someone gets smart (Lizie)) and Dishwashers are wonderfull things.  :y :y

"Dishwashers"?!!!!  For one person Skruntie?!  All it takes is a bowl of hot water, washing up liquid, a scourer, and, if you want to protect your soft hands, a pair of Marigolds! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Get a good woman in your life to control you...you need it! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y




Nooooo.

I have it all worked out.

The plan is that I am buying a dishwasher when I move (12 Place settings)

Then I buy 2 crockery sets and 2 cutlery sets.

So basically I set off with an empty DWsher and slowly fill it up as the week goes on.

Now the problem I have (which is where a woman would come in handy) is whether I buy 6/8/12 place setting for the cutlery and crockery.

With a 6 piece, I would have to start on set 2 before the end of the week.

But with an 8 piece I would have 1 place setting that never gets used. (But at least I have a spare n case of breakage.

Now being practical, I could but 2 x 6 place, and alternate the schemes till the DW is full, therefore making for an economical use of the DW.

But I am planning a diet, and rather than go for a fad diet, I would rather change my food portions.  This would mean I would only use small plates. Which would then mean I would need 3 x 8 place's as I would want 24 small plates.

You see now that I am thinking like a woman, I have to stop and think why???

Why spend £350 on a dishwasher

Why buy multiple sets of cutlery and crockery.

Why not just buy picnic knifes and forks (Plastic disposable) and paper plates.

Then all I need is the odd roll of bin liners and it's all sorted.



Simplicity.

Why complicate life with a woman in it.

Because we bring beauty, culture and sophistication to any given situation, and would also have wonderful cutlery and crockery that would bring sunshine to your life every time you sit down for a meal :D :D :D ;D ;).

Plastic knives, forks, and paper plates indeed!  ::) ::) ::) How can you even consider them for everyday use outside of a BBQ!  Think of the environment if not yourself; you poor man, you need that special woman desparately! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D



What could I possibly say to that?


There's the kitchen, let me know if there's anything you need?   ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: amigov6 on 24 May 2008, 20:26:16
Quote
My better half.

MMMM.

Long story.

Let's just say, happy and single spring to mind at the moment.  :D
Best 7 years of my life but no dishwasher. Love all you girls but from a distance. Tried it a few times but not for me, happy on my own now.
 I honestly think i lack the certain something that needs someone, i just do'nt. What little time & money i have i like to use as i wish.
     Each to thier own though. :y
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: FRE07962128 on 24 May 2008, 20:28:42
Shame you live so far away Skruntie.  I would soon whip you into shape! ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: amigov6 on 24 May 2008, 20:32:32
There's an offer you can't refuse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 20:40:20
Quote
Shame you live so far away Skruntie.  I would soon whip you into shape! ;D ;D ;)

Are you into the fetish stuff then.?
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: FRE07962128 on 24 May 2008, 20:48:24
Quote
Quote
Shame you live so far away Skruntie.  I would soon whip you into shape! ;D ;D ;)

Are you into the fetish stuff then.?


No I am never cruel!  I am a delightful loving and caring women who knows what men need, which often requires some persuation for you to recognize it. ;D ;D ;D ;)  
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 20:56:30
Quote
Quote
Quote
Shame you live so far away Skruntie.  I would soon whip you into shape! ;D ;D ;)

Are you into the fetish stuff then.?


No I am never cruel!  I am a delightful loving and caring women who knows what men need, which often requires some persuation for you to recognize it. ;D ;D ;D ;)  

What can I say to that

I think you better PM your CV and apply for the job.  

I dont have a lot to offer, I am prepared to buy a top of the range dishwasher to give you some time off.

I dont mind moving for someone that has so much to offer, but I think I may need one or two more incentives.   :D ::) ::) :y


Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: FRE07962128 on 24 May 2008, 21:07:40
Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
Shame you live so far away Skruntie.  I would soon whip you into shape! ;D ;D ;)

Are you into the fetish stuff then.?


No I am never cruel!  I am a delightful loving and caring women who knows what men need, which often requires some persuation for you to recognize it. ;D ;D ;D ;)  

What can I say to that

I think you better PM your CV and apply for the job.  

I dont have a lot to offer, I am prepared to buy a top of the range dishwasher to give you some time off.I dont mind moving for someone that has so much to offer, but I think I may need one or two more incentives.   :D ::) ::) :y




I would need more than a top of the range dishwasher!  That's my handicap; I have very expensive tastes! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 21:09:28
Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
Shame you live so far away Skruntie.  I would soon whip you into shape! ;D ;D ;)

Are you into the fetish stuff then.?


No I am never cruel!  I am a delightful loving and caring women who knows what men need, which often requires some persuation for you to recognize it. ;D ;D ;D ;)  

What can I say to that

I think you better PM your CV and apply for the job.  

I dont have a lot to offer, I am prepared to buy a top of the range dishwasher to give you some time off.I dont mind moving for someone that has so much to offer, but I think I may need one or two more incentives.   :D ::) ::) :y




I would need more than a top of the range dishwasher!  That's my handicap; I have very expensive tastes! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)

Ahhhhh, I just remembered why I styed single all this time.   ;D ;D ;D :y
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: FRE07962128 on 24 May 2008, 21:12:01
Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
Shame you live so far away Skruntie.  I would soon whip you into shape! ;D ;D ;)

Are you into the fetish stuff then.?


No I am never cruel!  I am a delightful loving and caring women who knows what men need, which often requires some persuation for you to recognize it. ;D ;D ;D ;)  

What can I say to that

I think you better PM your CV and apply for the job.  

I dont have a lot to offer, I am prepared to buy a top of the range dishwasher to give you some time off.I dont mind moving for someone that has so much to offer, but I think I may need one or two more incentives.   :D ::) ::) :y




I would need more than a top of the range dishwasher!  That's my handicap; I have very expensive tastes! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)

Ahhhhh, I just remembered why I styed single all this time.   ;D ;D ;D :y

Damn!   I have over played it yet again! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 24 May 2008, 21:32:53
Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
Shame you live so far away Skruntie.  I would soon whip you into shape! ;D ;D ;)

Are you into the fetish stuff then.?


No I am never cruel!  I am a delightful loving and caring women who knows what men need, which often requires some persuation for you to recognize it. ;D ;D ;D ;)  

What can I say to that

I think you better PM your CV and apply for the job.  

I dont have a lot to offer, I am prepared to buy a top of the range dishwasher to give you some time off.I dont mind moving for someone that has so much to offer, but I think I may need one or two more incentives.   :D ::) ::) :y




I would need more than a top of the range dishwasher!  That's my handicap; I have very expensive tastes! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)

Ahhhhh, I just remembered why I styed single all this time.   ;D ;D ;D :y

Damn!   I have over played it yet again! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;)

You were doing so well.

I was starting to think of the neatly laid out tables, the wonderfull aroma's emerging from the kitchen, the silk sheets, the fancy cocktails and of course the whip(s)



and then I woke up........ ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: FRE07962128 on 24 May 2008, 21:35:29
Yes, I know, some things can never last and be perfect! ;D ;D ;)