Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Growler on 23 June 2008, 22:32:17
-
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays."
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a
lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.''
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left
a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an
ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
one.'
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of
freedom
in these trousers, yes.'
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought,
"That's
unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it....
"Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?" "
This bloke said to me, 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your
trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for
the
books."
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said
'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My
dog's died."
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist
said
to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."
The price of hearing aids has gone up? Deaf people across the country
are
going "how much?"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's
speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are."
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming
baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my
house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or
my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think
its
Colin."
"I'll tell you what makes my blood boil? Crematoriums"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he
said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second
time and said "you've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang
up
a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a
tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I
careered off the road.'
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a
fast one'.
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit
choppy.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it
will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",
he said "Not you again".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How
many
potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please".
She
said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just
have one then, you stupid cow"
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick.
Yes
- I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End...'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said
"No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it
down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and
on.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't
do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is
for
the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It
was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising yo
-
tim vine :y
-
Who's got a book of Tommy Cooper gags then ... ???
Have some more ....
1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high.."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, " I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
' Is it common? '
"It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, " I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
I'll fetch me own coat ...
Edit ... just noticed some of those are repeats of the first lot .... :(