Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Mr Skrunts on 20 August 2008, 22:48:17
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3 Fruits.
Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they were shot and killed.
God comes down to them and said, "I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something."
The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live.
God says to them, "Go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do."
The first man came back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, "If you can put all 3 cherries up your butt without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell."
The man puts 2 cherries up his butt, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.
The second man came back carrying three apples. God says to him, "If you can stick all three of those apples up your butt, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.
So the man sticks 2 apples up his butt. But when he puts the third one inside, he starts laughing hysterically.
God says to him, "You have made a face, and now you will go to hell, but I'm curious...why did you start laughing?"
And the man said then, "Cuz Larry is coming back, and he stole 3 watermelons."
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Why do women pass less gas than men?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure!
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Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, and they all lived together.
One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.
The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know. I'll come and see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"
The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sister’s shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.
Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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So true skruntie LOL, ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice!
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I could almost feel that, LOL........ ;D ;D ;D
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Why Men Cant Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
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You Will Never Hear Women Say
7 What do you mean today's our anniversary?
6. Can we NOT talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
5. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale; $300 is way too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
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Punctuate Correctly
An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and told the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
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;D ;D ;D ;D :y, you must be bored again :y
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Been in bed all day, couldnt get up till about 7:00pm, now I dont know what to to do as there is noting on TV, so might go back to bed.
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Been in bed all day, couldnt get up till about 7:00pm, now I dont know what to to do as there is noting on TV, so might go back to bed.
Thats why i'm on here , go then and have sweet dreams :D :y ;)
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Been in bed all day, couldnt get up till about 7:00pm, now I dont know what to to do as there is noting on TV, so might go back to bed.
Thats why i'm on here , go then and have sweet dreams :D :y ;)
Am just watching road wars but they are all repeats. :-/
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I love watching road wars too but i have seen them all too and when they go Rad a house for drugs , they don't half make me laugh when they use the owners things , like play on there instruments :y
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Been in bed all day, couldnt get up till about 7:00pm, now I dont know what to to do as there is noting on TV, so might go back to bed.
Or you could stay around and stop us from being bored keep us amused :y
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Beach Genie
A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,” know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
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Beach Genie
A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said, "OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish."
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,” know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
:y ;D :y
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;D ;D ;D :y