Omega Owners Forum

Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Mr Skrunts on 16 September 2008, 19:24:44

Title: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 16 September 2008, 19:24:44

 A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem,
as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an
experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The
treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old
fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through
life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for
it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being
extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll
and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my arse'

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: alexandjen on 16 September 2008, 19:27:32

 ;D ;D ;D Excellent ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Richie London on 16 September 2008, 19:27:50

 :y :y :y :y

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Jimbob on 16 September 2008, 19:31:41

 ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: mars on 16 September 2008, 19:55:21

 ;D ;D ;D :y

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: LaserLance on 16 September 2008, 19:57:06

brilliant !!!!!!!! :y :y :y

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Chopsdad on 16 September 2008, 20:18:55

Scruntie.

I was feeling low after reading some other threads....but that has just revived me. Thanks  ;D (No pictures please)

 [smiley=tekst-toppie.gif]

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 16 September 2008, 20:23:02

Quote

Scruntie.

I was feeling low after reading some other threads....but that has just revived me. Thanks  ;D (No pictures please)

 [smiley=tekst-toppie.gif]

Couldnt resist.

(http://i278.photobucket.com/albums/kk106/skruntie/Funny/003/elephantfun.jpg)

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Chopsdad on 16 September 2008, 20:24:19

Quote

Quote

Scruntie.

I was feeling low after reading some other threads....but that has just revived me. Thanks  ;D (No pictures please)

 [smiley=tekst-toppie.gif]

Couldnt resist.

(http://i278.photobucket.com/albums/kk106/skruntie/Funny/003/elephantfun.jpg)

Now that's a trunk !  ;D

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Entwood on 16 September 2008, 20:44:56

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 16 September 2008, 23:04:14

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!!'

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Field Marshal Dr. Opti on 16 September 2008, 23:15:19

 ;D ;D :D :y

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Leomas on 16 September 2008, 23:17:35

Skruntie you are a legend for finding these...my wife is a school nurse and has demanded a copy to pass round her office for them to read while eating their chocolate hobnobs (lots of grain and veg there then)  ;D

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: The Red Baron on 16 September 2008, 23:27:47

brilliant, nearly spat my chocolate nuts over the screen after reading the bread roll joke.  ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 16 September 2008, 23:42:11

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.


Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.


The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.


'Oh, sister,' said the young nun  dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'


'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'


'That wicked old b******' said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Entwood on 16 September 2008, 23:44:08

Don't know how you keep finding them .. but don't stop !!

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: The Red Baron on 16 September 2008, 23:44:49

even better.  :D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 16 September 2008, 23:45:56

I have a folder full on a computer some where, I just cant find the flipping things :-/