Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: GazS14 on 30 October 2008, 20:21:33
-
A vicar books into a hotel and says to the Hotel Clerk "I trust the porn channel in my room is disabled?"
Hotel clark replies "No it's just ordinary porn, you sicko"
Any other jokes around? :)
-
Git, filled my keyboard with beer!
-
that'll make a good text ;D ;D ;D
-
It cracked me up at work today! ;D
-
A cucumber a pickle & a penis were talking about there awful lives . the cucumber said " My life sucks when i get big fat and juicy they cut me up and toss me into a salad". The pickle says "when i get big fat and juicy they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar". The penis says "you think that's bad when i get big fat and juicy they put a plastic bag over my head stick me in a dark damp room & bang my head against the wall until i throw up and pass out!! " :)
-
ive heard this before but it still makes me laugh-
Ireland's worst air disaster
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
::) ::)
-
two nuns out on a pushbike ride, going down some old narrow streets they eventually go down a cobbled street, one of the nuns says" ive never come this way before", the other nun says "oh really? it must be the cobbles!!" ;)
-
Labour have today changed their emblem from a rose to a condom as it more accurately reflects the governments political stance!!
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being f****d!! ::)
-
a bloke goes into w,h smiths & asks the young girl at the counter "do you keep stationary?", the girl replied " yup i do for the first couple of minutes then i go like a rattlesnake!!"
-
ive heard this before but it still makes me laugh-
Ireland's worst air disaster
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
::) ::)
;D ;D ;D ;D :y
-
Little Johny was sitting in his Catholic school classroom.
Th Nun said "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure" said Johny. "They go round the back of the bike sheds"
-
Define "egghead"-What Mrs Dumpty gives to Humpty
-
psml!!!
-
A study conducted by Tulane's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
-
A little guy is sat at the bar when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face and says "thats kung fu from Japan" ,the man is shocked but does nothing,a few moments later the thug smacks him again and says "thats karate from Korea" the little guy gets up and leaves the bar.A short time later he walks straight back in and smacks the thug,knocking him out cold! and turns to the barman and says "when he wakes up,tell him that was a shovel from B&Q!"
;D ;D ;D
-
An undertaker says to a bereaved husband "when did you realise your wife was dead?" "Well" the husband replies "the sex was the same so it must have been the dishes piling up". [smiley=evil.gif]
-
An undertaker says to a bereaved husband "when did you realise your wife was dead?" "Well" the husband replies "the sex was the same so it must have been the dishes piling up". [smiley=evil.gif]
Hehehehe :y
-
Boy comes home with a big smile on his face and says "hi Mum, Hi Dad guess what, I just had sex for the first time". Dad says "thats great son, to celebrate I'll buy you that bike you wanted but you'll have to wait until payday". Son says "thats ok Dad, my ar$e is too sore to ride it anyway" ;D ;D ;D
-
A little guy is sat at the bar when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face and says "thats kung fu from Japan" ,the man is shocked but does nothing,a few moments later the thug smacks him again and says "thats karate from Korea" the little guy gets up and leaves the bar.A short time later he walks straight back in and smacks the thug,knocking him out cold! and turns to the barman and says "when he wakes up,tell him that was a shovel from B&Q!"
;D ;D ;D
Always liked that one :y When i first heard it the punchline was "tell him that was an Morris Oxford starting handle"!!
Spent (or miss spent ) my young silly days in Worthing! :y
-
a 10 year old boy comes down from his bedroom & says to his father,"dad,ive been watching telly in my room & can you tell me what lovejuice is?", his father gets very embarrased but thinks he`d better tell him, "well son, when you get a bit older you will start going out with girls, then you will start by kissing them, then after a while you will start exploring her body, first with the boobs then eventually you will put your hand down her knickers, when you do that you will find your fingers wet & sticky & that is lovejuice",,,,then the father asks "anyway son,what the hell are you watching up there?",,,the son says "tennis dad!!"
-
two nuns out on a pushbike ride, going down some old narrow streets they eventually go down a cobbled street, one of the nuns says" ive never come this way before", the other nun says "oh really? it must be the cobbles!!" ;)
They're all good, but this one's ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y :y
-
A middle aged woman is standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror.
"I'm getting fat and wrinkly and everything's sagging to the floor. Say something nice about me to cheer me up" , she says to her husband who is lying on the bed.
"Your eyesight's 100% perfect " , he replies.
-
A middle aged woman is standing naked in front of the bedroom mirror.
"I'm getting fat and wrinkly and everything's sagging to the floor. Say something nice about me to cheer me up" , she says to her husband who is lying on the bed.
"Your eyesight's 100% perfect " , he replies.
;D ;D ;D :y
-
Heard this one about 40 years ago, so I should think most of you know it , but here goes anyway.
Woman goes into a pet shop and says "have you got any parrots?"
"Well I've got one " says the owner " but the trouble is he's got no legs, so he has to wrap his dick round the perch so he doesn't fall off"
"Ok", says the woman "can he talk?" "Yeah brilliant talker" comes the reply.
Anyway the woman buys the parrot and takes him home, but next day brings it back to the shop, saying she's changed her mind.
The owner, who quite likes the parrot for company, gives her her money back , and when she's gone, the parrot says to him , "Blimey she's a right one she is"
"Why what happened" asks the owner.
"Well this bloke came round for a meal last night and afterwards they sat on the sofa and started kissing" says the parrot.
"Yeah, then what happened?" says the owner.
"Then he started taking her blouse off"replies the parrot
"Yeah, yeah and then what" says the owner.
"Well then he took her bra off" the parrot says.
"Cor blimey , then what happened? " shouts the owner.
"I dunno , I fell off me perch " replies the parrot