Omega Owners Forum

Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Mr Skrunts on 28 September 2009, 19:44:10

Title: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 28 September 2009, 19:44:10

WORDS TO THE WISE

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for three years, and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my fiancée?

She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a smart, confident career woman, but most of all she was unbelievably sexy.

She often openly flirted with me, which piqued my
curiosity and made me quite uncomfortable at the same time.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to review the wedding invitations. When I got there, I realized she was alone.

As we looked at the invitations, she whispered in my ear: "Soon you will be married, but you must know that I have feelings for you that I can no longer ignore. Before you commit your life to my daughter, please make love to me just once."

" I was in total shock. What could I say? As I sat there dumbfounded she said: "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you share my yearnings, just come up and take me."

Still dazed, I watched her magnificent form as she wisped up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then turned around and went to the front door. Slowly, I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Surprisingly, her husband was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said: "We are so happy. You have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

I will never forget the day I earned the trust of my in-laws, or the valuable life lesson I learned on the front steps of my wife's childhood home.

Always, always, always, keep your condoms in your car.

Title: Re: WORDS TO THE WISE
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 28 September 2009, 19:45:53

FLY BY NIGHT

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit the Bunny Ranch.

When they arrived at the brothel, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead.

She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned...how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"

Title: Re: WORDS TO THE WISE
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 28 September 2009, 19:47:22

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT


1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7 . Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

Title: Re: WORDS TO THE WISE
Post by: waspy on 28 September 2009, 19:47:58

Quote

FLY BY NIGHT

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit the Bunny Ranch.

When they arrived at the brothel, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead.

She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned...how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D :y

Title: Re: WORDS TO THE WISE
Post by: Selseybill on 28 September 2009, 19:52:13

Quote

WORDS TO THE WISE

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for three years, and we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my fiancée?

She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a smart, confident career woman, but most of all she was unbelievably sexy.

She often openly flirted with me, which piqued my
curiosity and made me quite uncomfortable at the same time.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to review the wedding invitations. When I got there, I realized she was alone.

As we looked at the invitations, she whispered in my ear: "Soon you will be married, but you must know that I have feelings for you that I can no longer ignore. Before you commit your life to my daughter, please make love to me just once."

" I was in total shock. What could I say? As I sat there dumbfounded she said: "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you share my yearnings, just come up and take me."

Still dazed, I watched her magnificent form as she wisped up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do, and then turned around and went to the front door. Slowly, I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Surprisingly, her husband was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said: "We are so happy. You have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

I will never forget the day I earned the trust of my in-laws, or the valuable life lesson I learned on the front steps of my wife's childhood home.

Always, always, always, keep your condoms in your car.

Am i thought we were going to get a three some .O well back to Coronation street  :-[

Title: Re: WORDS TO THE WISE
Post by: Stevie-blunder on 28 September 2009, 20:33:23

Brilliant  ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D :y

Title: Re: WORDS TO THE WISE
Post by: PhilRich on 28 September 2009, 20:58:28

What can I say mate... Absolutely delightful!  ;D :y except... I don't believe a word of your quote in No.6. because i'm having so much sex I have to shave my palms twice a day under a magnifying glass, and I've never had an offer of sex from anyone in years!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 28 September 2009, 22:33:20

Not sure if I posted this a while back (Appologies if I did)

FORE!

In the early days of mixed play, an English couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off.
 
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee first and as she bends over to place ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
 
"Allo! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
 
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!"
 
The Brit immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Paul, here's 50 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
 
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
 
Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
 
"Bejesus woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"
 
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me!"
 
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Patrick, here's 20 pounds. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
 
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.
 
The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
 
"Hoot mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?"
 
She too explains, "You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!"
 
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a wee bit."

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 28 September 2009, 22:35:49

(http://i278.photobucket.com/albums/kk106/skruntie/golfnut.jpg)

(http://i278.photobucket.com/albums/kk106/skruntie/whywelockstuffup.jpg)

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Ziad on 29 September 2009, 06:30:14

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Brilliant, especially the flying one  :y

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Stevie-blunder on 29 September 2009, 13:02:52

Keek 'em coming, brill  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 29 September 2009, 16:23:26

In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per cent said they didn't care, they would have married him anyway."

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 29 September 2009, 16:24:48

DAMN!

Three older ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies; stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 29 September 2009, 16:26:10

An attractive blonde, Kitty McNeil was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. Kitty climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let Kitty off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 29 September 2009, 16:27:33

REWIND

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: Mr Skrunts on 29 September 2009, 16:28:45

A W O L

51 years ago Herman Jones, a West Virginia mountain man, was drafted into the United States Army.

On the first day of boot camp the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon an Army barber cut off all his hair.

On the second day of boot camp the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon an Army dentist pulled out seven of his teeth.

On the third day the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army is still looking for him.

Title: Re: Joke Time
Post by: jonnycool on 29 September 2009, 16:32:29

You should be on stage mate  ;D ;D ;D ;D