Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Crazydad on 03 September 2007, 16:38:51
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Policeman
What to not say to the nice policeman.
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No doughnut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
"Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"
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Don't Look!
A man is walking by an insane asylum and hears all the residents chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about all this, he finds a hole in the fence, looks in and someone pokes him in the eye.
Everyone in the asylum starts chanting "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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Here's my effort. Thanks for putting us on the spot mate. >:( >:(
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked," Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the boss asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No, he's busy."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked," Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again
the small voice whispered, "No, she's busy."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left at home on his own, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a copper would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child." Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going onthere?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed, whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied, "They're all looking for me".
;D ;D ;D
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The Living Statues
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"
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Your Butt Is So Big
Your butt is so big, you have more crack than a drug dealer.
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Getting Weighed
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
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Traffic cop pulls over a driver for speeding. His wife is in the passenger seat.
Morning sir.
Morning officer.
Do you know what the speed limit is on this stretch of road sir?
Yes officer, it's thirty miles an hour.
And what speed were you travelling at sir?
Thirty miles an hour.
I think it was quite a bit faster than that sir
No, it was thirty miles an hour.
I'm sorry sir, but my colleague and I clocked you at nearer forty.
B0ll0cks! It was thirty.
Now listen sir, if you take that attitude, I'll have to report you for......
Do as you rather like!
If you persist with this, sir......
At this point, his wife, who is getting a bit fed up, leans over and says "Listen, officer, it's no good argueing with this b@stard when he's had a drink.
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like it Steve like it ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
You are not allowed to vote for yourself ::) ::)
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Why is it that:
Why is it that women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it that you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on the "Start" button?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is that planes are not made out of the same stuff that Black boxes are made of? They are the only things that survive the crash!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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Looks like a very high standard here going to be hard to beat you all :o :o
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A man goes for a job at a blacksmith's. Blacksmith asks him, "Have you any experience of shoeing horses?" "No, But I once told a donkey to f**k off."!
I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue', and I couldn't put it down.
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on and on.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there!
I said to this man, you invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue ?" I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where's he then?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought 'that's Aboriginal'
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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A Blonde At The Doctors
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken finger."
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Can anyone join in?
Four men went golfing together; three headed to the first tee, and one went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man said, "My son is so successful he gave a friend a new home-for free."
The second man said, "My son is so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee.
The first man said, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man said, "Well, I'm proud to say that he's gay, and is doing very well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
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...or how about this one?
Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. My darling Jake," she whispered. Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk." She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. Everything's all right, go to sleep ." "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
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Can anyone join in?
Four men went golfing together; three headed to the first tee, and one went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man said, "My son is so successful he gave a friend a new home-for free."
The second man said, "My son is so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee.
The first man said, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man said, "Well, I'm proud to say that he's gay, and is doing very well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
Course they can
Wheres my rather colourfill ive been to Gdansk and Warsaw ;D
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Science Class
Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the Question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??
Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.
"Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed!
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Boiled egg!
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: It may take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid yesterday
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Can anyone join in?
Four men went golfing together; three headed to the first tee, and one went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started bragging about their sons. The first man said, "My son is so successful he gave a friend a new home-for free."
The second man said, "My son is so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee.
The first man said, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man said, "Well, I'm proud to say that he's gay, and is doing very well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
Course they can
Wheres my rather colourfill ive been to Gdansk and Warsaw ;D
Got returned as sub-standard. Council recylcers took the consignment yesterday. Said they would turn it into organic custard or something.. ;)
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Hey Guys these are getting better by the minute
all i can say is GREAT ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Hey Guys these are getting better by the minute
all i can say is GREAT ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Better put a stop to that, then!! ;D ;D Try this:
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!". Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord,play a Jazz chord". A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing ..... " A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
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Are my testicles black?
A guy is lying in his hospital bed, wired up with drips and monitors, breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask. A young lady comes round the ward with the tea and newspaper trolley. Approaching him she asks if there is anything she can do for him. The guy looks at her and asks "Are my testicles black?"
"I'm sorry but I'm not medical staff, I can't help you with that" she replies.
"Oh, please have a look for me, I'm really worried; Are my testicles black?"
Taking pity on his obvious distress the girl glances around the ward and, seeing there are no medical staff around, says "Alright, I'll have a look for you". She pulls back the bedcover, lifts his dick out of the way and, cupping his balls in her hand tells him, with a note of relief in her voice, "No, they look fine to me".
The patient pulls off his oxygen mask and says "I said, Are my test results back?"
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Aaah, and now a heart-warming story....
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building plot. One
day a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on
the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took
an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking
with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with
hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project
mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented
her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little
girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money she had
received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they
got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl
telling her about her 'work' on the building site and
the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to
earn all this" said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I
worked all last week with the men building a big house."My goodness
gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this
week, as well?" The little girl thought for a moment and said "I think
so..... provided those c**ts at Jewson deliver the f***ing bricks."
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Language Barriers
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
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Good stuff lads. I've laughed out loud a couple of times :y
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Harvey and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together. Harvey arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Harvey said,"Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Harvey said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."
"What? He had two a**holes?' asked the mortician.
Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two a**holes. Every time we went to town folks would say "Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes."
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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
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my contribution:
You bake a cake every year at xmas, do they call you a Baker?
You fix your mate's car, do they call you a mechanic?
On your annual day trip, you always drive the minibus, do they call you the bus driver?
You cut a mate's hair for a night out, do they call you a hairdresser?
But when you sh*g one sheep...!!
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads down to the docks once more for old times sake.
He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.
The old sailor asks "how am i doing?"
The prostitute replies "well sailor your doing about 3 knots"
He replies "3 knots, what's that supposed to mean?"
She says "Your knot hard, your knot in and your knot getting your money back"
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THE NEW CEO
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour
of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was
full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,"How
much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300
00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks'
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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Nick's on a roll :o
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A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".
The scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"
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i'll take this opporunity to thank you all for posting these jokes, since i cant compete with the high standard of jokes, i'm stealing them and posting them on my other regular forum in their jokes thread ;D
:y :y :y
keep them coming, i'm gaining popularity over there!
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I gave up hours ago. If you like Nickbats best you can vote for him under the 'Golfbuddy' option. ::) ::)
I already voted and I still haven't got any votes. :'(
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I gave up hours ago. If you like Nickbats best you can vote for him under the 'Golfbuddy' option. ::) ::)
I already voted and I still haven't got any votes. :'(
Should've voted for yourself, I did ;)
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I gave up hours ago. If you like Nickbats best you can vote for him under the 'Golfbuddy' option. ::) ::)
I already voted and I still haven't got any votes. :'(
Should've voted for yourself, I did ;)
You could have voted for me you posh Alfa owner you ;D
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I gave up hours ago. If you like Nickbats best you can vote for him under the 'Golfbuddy' option. ::) ::)
I already voted and I still haven't got any votes. :'(
Should've voted for yourself, I did ;)
knew that no sod has voted for me either loosing out here big style ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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A Small Problem
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''
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Bedside Confession
Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.
Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina
Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either.
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A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
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Mom's Sponge
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"
A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"
Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?"
"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"
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Mountain Bike
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who
knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who
hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at
the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
"Bob how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's
my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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Woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird and it's an absolute steal at only £20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad-minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.
"F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.
"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"
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A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
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A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t.
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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I Only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please?
Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny. .
. . but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
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Bunny Story...
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do
you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets
down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fluffy bwack wabbit, or
one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?" The little girl
blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet Pyfon gives a
phuk"
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A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Grandpa. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge."
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One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
" Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This ! natu ral selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Latest news: Yesterday a Omega herd of buffalo seen leaving a place near Wales !!!!!! ;D ;D ;D
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A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender,
buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for
£57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out
into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself
one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he
can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so
he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for
the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill
for £67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the
living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
"Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
The drunk replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you
drink."
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And the winner is .............
Spongebob by technical knockout. ;D ;D ;D
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A man walked into a bar. The barman said, "You've got a steering wheel sticking out of your fly." "I know," said the man, "it's driving me nuts."
You will be pleased to know thats my last one.. :y
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old boy of 90 goes to docs for a sperm count, doc gives him a jar & says come back tomorrow, old boy takes it home & tries his hardest, first his left hand then his right hand, then both hands still no luck asks wife to help, she tries left hand then right hand still no joy then she tries both hands then she tries with her mouth teeth & teeth out & nothing. Next they try Mavis the next door neighbour & she tries left hand, right hand, she tries with her mouth teeth in & out. Old boy goes back to docs next day & doc says how did you get on. He tells doc the story & gives her the jar & she says what happened old boy says....
we couldn't get the lid off :(