Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Crazydad on 23 February 2008, 16:42:23
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George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove were all walking along a beach together after a peace talk , when they spotted an empty champagne bottle lying in the sand . They popped it open, and a Genie materialised before them , announcing, "You have two wishes each."
First , George Bush said , "I wish I had an army of a million tanks to wipe out Saddam Hussein's army and free the people of Iraq! I also wish I had a fleet of a million oil tankers , to take his oil supplies when I'm done !"
The Genie granted the Chief Executive his wish .
"Ha !" Saddam retorted . "You won't defeat me so easily ! I wish there was an impregnable wall around all of Iraq , so no Iranians , Israelis or infidel Westerners may enter ! I also wish to be transported safely back to my palace in Baghdad !"
And with that , the Genie did his bidding , and Saddam vanished in a puff of smoke .
This left only General Cosgrove .
"Well , first of all ," said the good General ,"tell me about this wall ."
"Well , it's higher than any aeroplane can fly and thicker than any explosive can penetrate ," replied the Genie . "There are no entrances or exits . Basically , nothing can get in or out ."
"Right ," replied Cosgrove . "Fill it with water ."
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How does every ethnic joke start?
By looking over your shoulder... :y :y
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like it :y :y :y
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A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
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LMAO ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
lmao ;D ;D
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I hate to brag, but if I was sitting on the toilet, and got the hiccups, I'd siphon the bowl dry! ::) ::)
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Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.
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I hate to brag, but if I was sitting on the toilet, and got the hiccups, I'd siphon the bowl dry! ::) ::)
:o :o :o :o...... ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Debs, your just as bad as i am PMSL ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Jack tells his doctor how he can no longer sustain an erection.
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "The problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment. We would take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
The thought of going through life without ever having sex again was too much for Jack, so he agreed to try the treatment. A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to try out his new equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
During dinner he felt a pain building in his groin. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his fly, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
''I can try," said Jack, "but I don't think my ass can take another roll."
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Do a Peter Kay accent in your head to get maximum impact:
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
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So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
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So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
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But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
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So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
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You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
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So I rang up British Telecom,I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", He said "Not you again".
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So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
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Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
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And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
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So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".
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So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
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Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
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A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
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A Dyslexic man walks into a bra
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A baby seal walks into a club...
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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''I can try," said Jack, "but I don't think my ass can take another roll."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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You two are unstoppable!
;D
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Paddy walks in to a bar in New York, he strolls up to the bar and orders 2 pints of guinness. He pays the barman and goes and sits at a table. The barman watches him as he drinks the first pint and then the second. He then goes up and orders another 2 pints.
The barman says 'why do you order 2 at a time, surely it would be better to order 1 at a time so the other doesn't get warm'
Paddy says 'Ahh, see when I left Ireland me and my brother agreed that when we went drinking we'd always drink this way to remeber each other and all the good times we had.'
Months pass and it's a regular sight to see Paddy and his 2 pints of Guinness. Then 1 day Paddy comes in and orders 1 pint and the whole bar goes sillent. He sits down and drinks it then goes back and orders anther.
The barman, assuming the worst, says, 'I don't mean to pry but I'd just like to let you know we're all sorry for your loss.'
Paddy looks confused for a second and then says, 'Ah no, Kenny's fine, I've just quit drinking!
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You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
...
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
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OH worth their weight in gold ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, 'Mary. Mary.'
'Is that you, Fred?'
'Yes, I've come back, just like we agreed.'
'What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning...
I have sex...I have breakfast...then, off to
the golf course...I have sex...I bathe in
the sun, and then I have sex twice-more....
I have lunch, another go `round the
golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon. After supper, `golf course again. Then have sex until
late at night. The next day it starts all-over again.'
'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'
'
'
'
'
'
'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk.'
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Thats got to be the best to date ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y :y
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Two old chaps have been for afew beers after a game of bowls. Whilst driving home they knock a young black boy off his bike and in a panic they shove the young black boy and his bike in the boot along with the bowling balls. As they drive along the are pulled over by the old bill who search the car. When he opens the boot the PC gets on his radio "Sarge, I've found a niggers nest, one has hatched and it's already nicked a fu$%£ng bike"
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Two old chaps have been for afew beers after a game of bowls. Whilst driving home they knock a young black boy off his bike and in a panic they shove the young black boy and his bike in the boot along with the bowling balls. As they drive along the are pulled over by the old bill who search the car. When he opens the boot the PC gets on his radio "Sarge, I've found a niggers nest, one has hatched and it's already nicked a fu$%£ng bike"
Brilliant, pure genius! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled Her over for speeding.
Officer: May i see your license?
Lady: what does it look like?
Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.
The lady looks through Her bag and pulls out Her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.
The officer opens it up and says: "Well, if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn`t have pulled you over".
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Here comes the good ones PMSL ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Oi!.....I resemble that joke! ;D
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Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off a girder and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
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An old retired sailor puts on his uniform and goes down the docks once more for old time sake. He hires a prostitue and takes her to a room. He's going at it the best he can for chap his age. The old sailer asks " How am i doing ?"
The prostitute replies "Well sailor, you're doing about 3 knots"
"3knots ?" he says "Whats that supposed to mean?"
the prostitute replies "You're knot hard, You're knot in and You're not getting you're fu%£$ng money back"
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Oh now thats wicked, good but wicked ;D ;D
Well done Debs, 100 Posts :y :y :y
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An Irishman is rowing a boat across a field of hay when another irishman drives past and stops. He looks over at the irishman in the boat and says "it's thick tw%£s like you that give us a bad name. I'd come over there and kick the fu%k out of you if i could swim"
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An old retired sailor puts on his uniform and goes down the docks once more for old time sake. He hires a prostitue and takes her to a room. He's going at it the best he can for chap his age. The old sailer asks " How am i doing ?"
The prostitute replies "Well sailor, you're doing about 3 knots"
"3knots ?" he says "Whats that supposed to mean?"
the prostitute replies "You're knot hard, You're knot in and You're not getting you're fu%£$ng money back"
Hahahahahahahaaha! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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A link to Robert DiNero on Saturday night American TV show :y
http://www.truveo.com/snl-robert-dinero-monologue/id/1652219305
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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What did the elephant say to the naked man
How do you breath through something so small
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife
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;D ;D ;D ;D
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Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works every time!"
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Man walks into a pub and sees a large jar full of money with a sign on it that says 'WIN THE CONTENTS OF THE JAR, JUST MAKE THE DONKEY LAUGH, £5 TO ENTER'.
The guy says 'I'll have a crack at that' so he pays the barman and is lead to a small room at the back of the pub.
30 seconds later the donkey is roaring with laughter and the man gets the jar.
He goes back a week later and there's another jar full of cash on the bar and a sign that says 'WIN THE CONTENTS OF THE JAR, JUST MAKE THE DONKEY CRY, £5 TO ENTER'.
'Can I have a go at this' says the man,
'Sure' says the barman,
So again he pays his fiver and goes to the small room with the donkey in.
Again, 30 seconds pass and the donkey is in floods of tears, so off he goes to collect the prize.
Barman says 'thats amazing, do you know how many people tried that, how did you do it?!'
'Easy' says the guy, 'last week I told him I had a bigger c*ck than him, this week I showed him!'
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;D ;D ;D
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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a b*tch.....
;D
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Marriage: it`s both a word and a sentence! ::)
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I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always
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A duck walks into a pub, goes up to the barman and says
"Have you got any bread?"
The barman says "No."
the duck says "got any bread?"
Barman says "no, sorry we haven't got any bread"
Duck says "got any bread?"
Barman says "NO I told you i haven't got any bread!"
Duck says "got any bread?"
Bar man says
"IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR LITTLE YELLOW BEAK TO THE BAR!!!"
Duck says...
"got any nails?"
Barman says "NOOOOO!"
Duck says
"Got any bread?"
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George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove were all walking along a beach together after a peace talk , when they spotted an empty champagne bottle lying in the sand . They popped it open, and a Genie materialised before them , announcing, "You have two wishes each."
First , George Bush said , "I wish I had an army of a million tanks to wipe out Saddam Hussein's army and free the people of Iraq! I also wish I had a fleet of a million oil tankers , to take his oil supplies when I'm done !"
The Genie granted the Chief Executive his wish .
"Ha !" Saddam retorted . "You won't defeat me so easily ! I wish there was an impregnable wall around all of Iraq , so no Iranians , Israelis or infidel Westerners may enter ! I also wish to be transported safely back to my palace in Baghdad !"
And with that , the Genie did his bidding , and Saddam vanished in a puff of smoke .
This left only General Cosgrove .
"Well , first of all ," said the good General ,"tell me about this wall ."
"Well , it's higher than any aeroplane can fly and thicker than any explosive can penetrate ," replied the Genie . "There are no entrances or exits . Basically , nothing can get in or out ."
"Right ," replied Cosgrove . "Fill it with water ."
;D ;D ;D :y
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Broke-Back Mountain
The Top Ten "Old Western" Movie Phrases That Will Never Sound Quite As Innocent After That Gay Cowboy Movie....
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeeper!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
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23 people have been found stuck to the ceilings and walls of a Belfast station.
Police believe it was the work of Irish terrorists, using the first 'No More Nails' bomb.
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'No More Nails' bomb.
Lmao.... ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You with the teeth! P!ss off!"
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lol ;D whilst on nuns.
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.
When the bus starts on its way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"
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Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off a girder and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
;D ;D ;D :y
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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a b*tch.....
;D
:y :y :y
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Very, Very, Very good, you guys are wasted in your present jobs, you should be on the stage somewhere ;D ;D ;D ;D
I am going to pass these on to my kids !
One I borrowed from Billy Connelly : Did you hear about the instructor for suicide bombers ?. "Watch closely, I will only show you this once"
Ken
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Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You with the teeth! P!ss off!"
lmao ;D ;D ;D
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Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You with the teeth! P!ss off!"
PMSL break i never thought that there were so many good jokes out there ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Tesco, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your li`l car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture to put your mind at rest; I know how you fret about things.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called
(http://i274.photobucket.com/albums/jj241/CleverCollies/Oooopppss.jpg)
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To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Tesco, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your li`l car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture to put your mind at rest; I know how you fret about things.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called
(http://i274.photobucket.com/albums/jj241/CleverCollies/Oooopppss.jpg)
lmao p.s your girlfriend called classic ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Oh my god, it even hurts me to see such devastation ;D ;D ;D
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A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates.
Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious.
Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy.
A few days later, they sight 20 pirate ships in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."