286
General Discussion Area / bald pu$$y
« on: 16 November 2010, 16:40:13 »
so come on fellas who got there hopes up
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so come on fellas who got there hopes up
287
General Discussion Area / a clockwork orange
« on: 13 November 2010, 22:47:10 »
on now wtf weirdest film i ever saw might be ok after a lot of beer cant get my head round what its meant to be about
288
General Discussion Area / irishman
« on: 15 November 2010, 18:08:39 »
2 Irishmen looked through a catalogue.
Paddy says, "Look at those gorgeous women and the prices are reasonable too".
Mick agrees and says, "I'm ordering one right now!!
3 weeks later, Paddy says, "Has your woman turned up yet?
"No", says Mick, "But it shouldn't be long now, her clothes turned up yesterday!!!
Paddy says, "Look at those gorgeous women and the prices are reasonable too".
Mick agrees and says, "I'm ordering one right now!!
3 weeks later, Paddy says, "Has your woman turned up yet?
"No", says Mick, "But it shouldn't be long now, her clothes turned up yesterday!!!
289
General Discussion Area / doctor visit
« on: 13 November 2010, 23:16:00 »
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
290
General Discussion Area / in the pub
« on: 14 November 2010, 17:31:15 »
I was in the pub last night when the barman asked me, “How come I never see you in here with Pete any more?”
I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to **ck your wife and daughter?”
“Bloody hell! No!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
“Well, neither would Pete,”
I asked him, “Would you drink with a bloke who's a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, always tries to squirm out of his round, jealous of everything you have, and when your back is turned he tries to **ck your wife and daughter?”
“Bloody hell! No!” he said, somewhat flabbergasted.
“Well, neither would Pete,”
291
General Discussion Area / asked for a raise
« on: 13 November 2010, 20:05:34 »
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor. I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task...
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
I do physical labor. I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task...
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, V. Gina
292
General Discussion Area / friday joke
« on: 12 November 2010, 16:58:50 »
Paddy and Mick are backpacking in Australia and get lost in the swampy outback.
They decide to keep walking in a straight line, hoping they would somehow reach a safe place to call for help.
After a few hours of walking they come to a lake with a small island in the centre.
On top of the Island there's a crocodile with a man's head and arms sticking out of it's mouth.
Paddy says 'Poor sod'
Mick replies 'He can't be that poor if he can afford a Lacoste sleeping bag'
They decide to keep walking in a straight line, hoping they would somehow reach a safe place to call for help.
After a few hours of walking they come to a lake with a small island in the centre.
On top of the Island there's a crocodile with a man's head and arms sticking out of it's mouth.
Paddy says 'Poor sod'
Mick replies 'He can't be that poor if he can afford a Lacoste sleeping bag'
293
General Discussion Area / doing the dishes
« on: 11 November 2010, 17:32:16 »
A guy wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word..
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f***ing dishes!"
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word..
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f***ing dishes!"
294
General Discussion Area / pregnant woman
« on: 11 November 2010, 02:12:25 »
A woman, pregnant with triplets, was caught in the crossfire at a bank robbery and shot 3 times in the stomach. The doctors said it was too risky to operate and chose to leave the bullets in. 16 yrs later one of the girl triplets went crying to her mum. She asked what was wrong. I was peeing and a bullet came out. so her mum told her what had happened 16 yrs earlier. The next day the same thing happened with the other girl triplet so her mum told her the story about the bank robbery. The day after, the boy triplet went crying to his mum. Let me guess she said, you were peeing and a bullet came out? the boy said No, I was having a w@nk and I shot the dog!