Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

631

General Discussion Area / Political Correctness? Have a wee giggle instead!

« on: 31 May 2009, 23:56:44 »

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.  She turned out to be an undercover detective.   How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.  When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film.  A bit unrealistic if you ask me.  I mean, a ginger kid.  With two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.  Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."  The son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.  Took her out with one punch......

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."   "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.   I said "'Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.   How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.   I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

If found offensive yadda yadda, give yourself a shake and think about it a wee bit....    

632

General Discussion Area / [m by=6D6A7160693734050 destboard=PartsSale dest=1241786836]: 'Need MV6 alloy'

« on: 08 May 2009, 13:55:05 »

[m by=6D6A7160693734050 destboard=PartsSale dest=1241786836/0#0]

633

General Discussion Area / properly back now

« on: 06 May 2009, 18:28:37 »

Used to like Virgin Media.  Not now....  Been without proper home connection since about the 25th of last month and had to log in to OOF and elsewhere using my mobile, so not ideal, hence low posts and admin things.  VM finally got their thumb out their arse and its now sorted this evening.

Is it coincidence that I spoke to a Brit Comp Tech with a really thick original Brummy accent and not someone in a call centre in Calcutta or similar?  Or is that just quantum leap assumption that I should get slapped down for???    

634

General Discussion Area / English language - love it or misunderstand it...

« on: 29 March 2009, 14:19:23 »

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

5. If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

6. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

7. Is there another word for synonym?

8. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

9. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

10. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

11. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

12. Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

13. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

14. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

15. If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

17. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

18. How is it possible to have a civil war?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

20. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

21. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

22. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

23. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times do they become disoriented?

24. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

add any more if you know them....  

635

General Discussion Area / The art of Zen - for realists....

« on: 29 March 2009, 00:13:08 »

Important Zen teachings.............

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.   That way, when you do criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.......
8. If at first you don't succeed, bomb disposal is probably not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ...  then things just get worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

636

General Discussion Area / Brain of Britain, eat your heart out....

« on: 24 March 2009, 20:58:59 »

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:       What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:       Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:       No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you
 
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:       Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:       Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:       There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:       Leicester
 
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:       Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:       I don't know.
Stewart White:       I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:       Arm
Stewart White:       Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:       Strong.
Stewart White:       Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:       Louis
Stewart White:       Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:       Frank Sinatra?
 
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:       What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:       France .
Trelinski:       France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:       Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:       Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:       Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:       Just guess a country then.
Contestant:       Paris .
 
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:       Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:       The Conservative Party.
 
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:       For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:       I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
 
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:       What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:       Goosey?
 
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:       What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:       I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

 
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil:       What's 11 squared?
Contestant:       I don't know.
Phil:       I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:       Is it five?
 
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:       Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:       Forrest Gump.
 
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:       On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:       Er. .. ..
Richard:       He makes bread . . ..
Contestant:       Er . ....
Richard:       He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:       Kipling Street ?
 
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:       Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:       Barcelona .
Presenter:       I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:       I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
 
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:       What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:       The Pacific.
 
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:       Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:       Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
 
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:       What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:       Magna Carta?
 
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:       How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:       Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?
 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:       In which European country isMount Etna?
Caller:       Japan .
Chris Searle:       I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:       Er ..... Mexico ?
 
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:       How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?
Contestant (long pause):       Fourteen days.
 
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:       In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:       Holland ?
Daryl Denham:       Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:       Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)       It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:       No.
 
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:       What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:       Er. ... ..
Phil Wood:       It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . .
Contestant:       Blimey?
Phil Wood:       Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant:       (Silence)
Phil Wood:       OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:       Walked?
 
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:       What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:       Nostalgia.
 
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:       What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:       Jewish.
Presenter:       That's close enough.
 
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:       Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:       Jesus

637

General Discussion Area / Wheres Wally?

« on: 17 March 2009, 00:04:07 »

The picture was taken with a robotic camera at 1,474 megapixel. (295 times the standard 5 megapixel camera)
 
Like google earth, double click and zoom in.  Quality is quite good....

http://gigapan.org/viewGigapanFullscreen.php?auth=033ef14483ee899496648c2b4b06233c

638

General Discussion Area / Alternate words for a well known song

« on: 24 February 2009, 23:38:55 »

To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan' s Radio City Music Hall.

One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music' ..

She sang somewhat different lyrics.....  Sing It as you read it, its worth it...

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin ' ,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin ' ,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I rember the great life I've had
And then I don't feel so bad!






well, I thought it was amusing....    

639

General Discussion Area / [m by=7C7B6071782625140 destboard=techinfo dest=1234479610]: 'car drives on its own'

« on: 12 February 2009, 23:07:00 »

[m by=7C7B6071782625140 destboard=techinfo dest=1234479610/0#0]

640

General Discussion Area / Topic Titles - Please make them relevant!

« on: 10 February 2009, 18:50:05 »

As the title.

And forum guidelines.

Please make the title relevant to the content within the subsequent post so that it explains whats following.  

Use of NWS for Not Work Safe where content would cause problems/upset as images are of an adult nature or similar, are to be encouraged.  But please do not take this as Carte Blanche to turn OOF into a cheap version of a XXX website.  It is a car enthusiasts forum which was instigated to encourage the share of information on the Vauxhall/Opel Omega and its varients, general chat about car related and similar matters, not a smut swap shop....

Technical help threads benefit GREATLY from a relevant title.  Some folks are happy to comment on specific areas but are less keen to wade through lots of posts where perhaps they cannot give anything back.

thanks....  

641

General Discussion Area / Loosing the plot or what....

« on: 04 February 2009, 20:42:40 »

Just searched the forum (by its own engine and by google) for a howtoo on changing the autobox fluid with no joy.

Did a manual rake through the various maint guides, FAQ etc and still not found one...  

Is there one lurking somewhere that includes part numbers etc or am I just imagining things again?  

642

General Discussion Area / My first car.

« on: 04 February 2009, 22:16:40 »

[m by=686F74656C3231000 dest=1233783844/2#2]

643

General Discussion Area / good classic lines from films

« on: 02 February 2009, 23:42:38 »

Watching Predator at the moment...  Some funny lines in it...'

Into the camp in the jungle and the chap with the chaingun and slouch hat has been hit..

His buddy says - 'hay man, your bleeding'..

response from redneck, 'aint got time to bleed'

buddy - 'you got time to duck' when the incoming frags start..

Funny film...  

Anyone other fave lines in other films??

644

General Discussion Area / [m by=61667D6C653B38090 destboard=PartsSale dest=1233700636]: 'Genuine Omega Roof Bars £25'

« on: 03 February 2009, 22:40:09 »

[m by=61667D6C653B38090 destboard=PartsSale dest=1233700636/0#0]

645

General Discussion Area / Wanna be a C&W fan??

« on: 30 January 2009, 11:05:05 »

MEN  If you are not a country fan, you may well will be after this.... Click on the link ....
      
 
        http://www.tagtele.com/v/11924