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691

General Discussion Area / What does it all mean??

« on: 25 June 2008, 23:14:27 »

Got this in an e-mail earlier tonight.  Read a few I had heard before but also read quite a few that were new to me.    

ALFA
Another List of Faults Again
 
AUDI
All Usual Defects Included
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

BMW
Big Money Waster
Big Mans Wheels
 
CHEVROLET
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques

CHRYSLER
Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair
 
CITROEN
Crap Interior, Terrible Road-holding, Owned Entirely by Nutters
 
DAEWOO
Dreadful Asian Engineering, Works On and Off

DODGE
Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
Doing Overhauls Daily Gets Expensive
Dead On the Day Guarantee Expires

FIAT
Fix It Again Tomorrow
Fix It Again Tony
Failure In Automotive Technology
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Found In A Trashcan
a F***ing Idiot Assembled This!

FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Rubbish Dump
Four Old Rusty Doors
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
F***er Only Rolls Downhill
Full Of Rust Deposits
Fancy Oil Recycling Device
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Depreciation
Found On Road, Dead
Frequently Overhauled, Rarely Driven
From Our Reject Department
Fault Of R & D
F***ed Or Rarely Driven

GM
Get a Mechanic
Generally Malfunctions

GMC
Got a Mechanic Coming
Greasy Messy Contraption

GTO
Get Tyres Often
Gas, Tyres, Oil

HOLDEN
Heavy Oil Leaks, Deafening Engine Noise
 
HONDA
How Odd - No Damn Acceleration
Hallmark of Non-Descript Automobiles

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
 
JAGUAR
Jumps Around, Grinds Uncontrollably, Always Rusting
 
JEEP
Just Eats Every Part
Just Expect Every Problem

KIA
Keep It Away!
 
LOTUS
Loads Of Trouble, Usually Serious

MASERATI
Must Also Suggest Extra Rope And Towing Implements

METRO
Monkeys Engineered This Road Obstacle

MG
Might Go
Money Guzzler

MITSUBISHI
Manufactured In Taiwan, Sold Under British Influence, Shipped Here Incomplete

OPEL
Order Parts, Everything Leaks

PEUGEOT
Poxy Engine, Useless Gearbox, Every One's Trouble

PORSCHE
Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continually High Expenses

RENAULT
Retarded Engine, No Acceleration, Ugly Lump of Trash

SAAB
Send Another, Always Broken
Stop Asking About Brakes!

SEAT
Scrap Everything, Always Trouble

SUBARU
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair, Usually

TOYOTA
The One You Ought To Avoid

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless



EFI - Extra F***ing Insurance
GTI - Got Tossers Inside
SRI - Several Retards Inside
STP - Stop Those Pistons

692

General Discussion Area / Package holiday flight anyone??

« on: 25 June 2008, 20:45:02 »

woooosh!!

693

General Discussion Area / Anyone want a bargain?

« on: 24 June 2008, 21:17:44 »

For no reason other than I need this car away from my doorway, check the latest post in http://www.omegaowners.com/forum/YaBB.pl?num=1211925184/15#16

Give me a shout.  Theres a bargain waiting to be had.....      

694

General Discussion Area / Would you give it a go??

« on: 22 June 2008, 23:02:19 »

Read this first then consider if you would do the same........

Mebbes aye, mebbes naw....    :-/

695

General Discussion Area / This could nip a wee bit....

« on: 05 June 2008, 23:11:33 »

The following is a lesson on how not to do something...

For many a year, I have been involved in the use of these things, of various sizes, and have always managed to learn the safe use balance between size and distance....

Read the following then play the clip.  You may too may learn a lesson on how not to stand or be too close to something potentially nippy.......



The guy is shooting an AR-50. These things happily takeout targets at a distance of a mile or so.....  Watch the dust when he fires. The target, a steel plate, was 100 yards away. You can hear the ping of the hit, then the bullet comes back and hits his earmuffs on his head.   You can hear the bullet as it tumbles through the air on its course back toward the shooter. He's lucky it hit the dirt  first - the bullet grazed his temple.    What a difference a half an inch makes!

Pillock........  

Is it a coincidence that I hear a US accent??






 

696

General Discussion Area / shocked and stunned......

« on: 03 June 2008, 16:47:48 »

The road tax for both my Omega and the wifes car are due at the end of the month and the reminders from DVLA arrived in the post this morning.   Nothing strange there, I hear you all say.....  

Except that, for the first time that I am aware of, DVLA sent both to me in the same envelope with only one load of junk mail....

Looks like someone, somewhere, has finally got their act partially together and saved at least one second class stamp from getting wasted....  

697

General Discussion Area / f13platform

« on: 13 May 2008, 13:38:40 »

please stop spamming across the boards.

and read your personal messages!!

698

General Discussion Area / Delias Way....

« on: 30 April 2008, 16:56:40 »

I found the following so true to life....  

Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake.  You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh*t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'

Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Delia's Way
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Woman's Way
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust.

Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in a few fingers of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but who gives a sh*t?

Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?

And finally the most important tip ...

Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
  
The Real Woman's Way
Leftover wine? HELLO!

699

General Discussion Area / Walk on the wild side?

« on: 29 April 2008, 16:59:57 »

Best in full screen mode.....

El Choro

700

General Discussion Area / Wonder what the accent would turn out like.....

« on: 25 April 2008, 11:25:54 »

Lifted from my web browser homepage this morning......

Die Hard star Bruce Willis is tipped to play Formula One commentator Murray Walker on the big screen.  

According to newspaper reports, the Hollywood actor will play Murray in a forthcoming film about the life of Formula One champion Michael Schumacher.   In the film, the character is expected to narrate the tale as well as feature alongside Schumacher.

Willi Weber, a former Formula One champion and Schumacher's agent said: "Bruce Willis would certainly do Murray justice."

Weber added: "A Hollywood producer is interested. It would be called The Michael Schumacher Story, with him as the main actor."

Walker was the voice of the BBC's Formula One coverage for almost half a century until he switched when ITV won the rights.

Walker admitted to being a bit "shell-shocked" when he found out that Bruce Willis was going to play him in the film.

He said: "I had to make sure when looking at the calendar that it was April 25 not April 1."

He said jokingly: "I always regarded Bruce Willis as a mirror image of myself, don't you know...a much younger version though."

701

General Discussion Area / Busy Day

« on: 22 April 2008, 23:06:01 »

An interesting day....

Took daughters car to main dealer to get annoying MID type display investigated (third visit, booked this time for the whole week, demo car in replacement)  Uncle Arnolds local peugeot dealership.

Took mother in law (in wheelchair) to hospital to get chest x-rays done.  Took 40 minutes to get a clear disabled parking space.  Missed x-ray slot as a result so spend next 1.5 hours luxuriating in a room of similar 'persons of extended age' and resultant eaue du pish air freshener....

Got call from garage to say that daughters car has went onto fuel reserve and so they will not do any more work until its refuelled.  (there not paying, its upto me to sort - daughter is teaching in primary school and out of contact).

Dropped off M in L at home.  Sorted her lunch then off home.

Grabbed a cuppa and a sandwick before queueing at local garage to get daughters car refuelled.  Anyone mention the panic fuel buying currently ongoing up this way??  It took almost 40 minutes to get fuelled....

Return car to garage.

Get home again, via garage 'cos mine is approaching the red.   Wait for another 40 minutes with the pannicking folks before filling the fekker with V-max.....  That hurt!

Made the additional good idea of buying a pair of magic trees to assist in the air cleaning inside the Omega after dropping the M in L off from the hospital - see previous para....  

Decide to do front wheel bearing on the Omega as its now screaching like a strangulated pig with both 'dangle berries' caught in a rat trap....  was going to wait until I got another cheap one from e-bay and did both, but never got one yet....

Jacked the car up and decided to drain the engine oil out whilst doing the bearing.

Strip one side down and find that the brake discs are nice and shiny on the outside but rusted red raw on the inside....  No wonder the brake effect is less than normal....

Dusted down the spare disc pad set in the garage and fit them (gen VX, e-bay bargain, £30 uplifted!!!) after doing the bearing.

Removed the oil filter - surprisingly easily - and poured the majority of the contents down the sleeve of my boilersuit.....

Cleaned myself up then done the other side disc set.  Then, when cleaning up, discover that the beer fridge in the garage has been emptied by my son (aged 22 and a quarter) and there are no 'coldies' left.....

Go upstairs after puting everything away.

Shower, change, have dinner (after cooking it....) then sat down for a glass of wine and some OOF.

.... and the fekkin bottle is corked!

time for a dram, then.....

702

General Discussion Area / Bored?

« on: 26 March 2008, 10:20:09 »

cannon

703

General Discussion Area / Read the text carefully....

« on: 27 March 2008, 23:30:56 »

As per the header.

Look at the add and read the text.  Decide then if you really really want to bid....

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/Vauxhall-Timing-Belt-Kit-2-6-V6-Omega-Vectra_W0QQitemZ290217260982QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item290217260982

Clever advertising, could easily catch someone not switched on....

704

General Discussion Area / AAADD

« on: 21 March 2008, 00:48:21 »

Some of the elder members may sympathise.....

Recently, I was diagnosed with : A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.  This is how it manifests:  

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the table that I collected from the letter box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the rubbish bin under the table, and notice that it is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post-box when I take out the rubbish anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk upstairs, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke  aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - they need water.

I put the Coke on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote control, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote control back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

 - the car isn't washed

- the bills aren't paid

- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the worktop

- the flowers don't have enough water

 - there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book

- I can't find the remote control

- I can't find my glasses

- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

.....and here I still am....     Ho Hummm...  

705

General Discussion Area / What the words really mean....

« on: 19 March 2008, 20:19:29 »

Nine statements women use...
 
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
 
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
 
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
5.) Loud Sigh : This isn't actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing)
 
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
 
8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
 
9.) Don't worry, I'm doing it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.  Then you RUN!