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16

General Discussion Area / Re: Sticky for Jokes

« on: 11 February 2014, 23:22:13 »

  My apologies to anyone (Our Scottish Members) I have offended.

Alex Salmond is seeing a fortune teller.

Concentrating very hard the fortune teller closes her eyes and says:
"I see you going down a large street, in a car with the top down, and
people are yelling 'Hurrah!'"

Alex smiles and asks, "So, the crowd is happy?"

"Oh yes, like never before!"

"And are the people running behind the car?"

"Yes, they are all around the car, they are going daft! The police are
having trouble clearing the way and controlling the crowd!"

"Are the people carrying flags?"

"Oh yes, Scottish flags and banners with words of hope for a better future."

"Really, and the people are yelling and singing?"

"Oh yes, the people are yelling out messages of hope, that everything
will be better now!"

"And me, how am I reacting to all this?”

"I can't see."

"Why?"

"The coffin is closed..."

17

General Discussion Area / Re: Sticky for Jokes

« on: 01 February 2014, 14:55:03 »

The police have announced that they will not be probing Nigella Lawson over cocaine claims.
Although admitting that most officers had thought about it.


I was laughing at this woman trying for ages to park a car when I suddenly realised how thoughtless I was being.
So I called my mates to come watch - they loved it.

I parked my car in a street in Glasgow near the football match I was going to watch, a boy came up to me and said, "I'll watch you car for £2 Mister!"

"Nah you're alright son, my 'Pitbull' in the back's got it covered." I said.
"That's cool," he replied, "Does he put out fires too............?"


My wife says we never agree on anything.
I disagree.

Don't ever ask rhetorically; "What is wrong with me?" in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She's still telling me.



90% of women don't like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don't like women.

My divorce is almost final, so soon I'll be free and single again.
I shouldn't have any trouble finding a new girl, though - if I've learned anything from the Internet, it's that hot chicks really go for grey-haired, balding older guys like me.


I have a soft spot for my mother-in-law.
It's out in the garden, behind the shed.

18

General Discussion Area / Re: Film quotes....

« on: 01 February 2014, 14:29:20 »

Al Pacino "Inches" Speech, Any Given Sunday.


"I'm still willing to fight and die for that inch"



http://youtu.be/_b7bgtu2O4E

19

General Discussion Area / Re: Sticky for Jokes

« on: 10 July 2013, 18:45:02 »

Hope these are suitable?


If she's told me once, she's told me a thousand times. If I'm out with my mates, don't come home drunk...
And she's still narky about it when I don't show up til the next afternoon.


The wife has been banging on and on about her 40th for weeks and the day before her birthday, she told me how much she likes the new Polo.
Well I can take a hint, so I went out and got her one.
You should have seen her little face light up when she unwrapped that packet of sweets.

Michael Gove is planning to cut down on resits at GCSE level to stop giving people more than one chance to try and succeed after they've failed.
This is Michael Gove's 4th attempt at trying to make a successful education system after failing previously.

My doctor said I shouldn't have a vasectomy because I'm still young and might regret it in the future.
So I told him to look after my kids for an hour and then see what he thinks.
He's booked me in for the snip tomorrow.

Three little words...
Three little words that can make you or break you...
When she says them you know instantly if she really means it, if it's true your heart leaps, if she's lying your heart is broken...
If you're lucky then one day you'll hear and you'll know she's the one for you when she says....
"size isn't important"

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

It's going to get really dirty at bedtime tonight!
I'm taking the bins out.

My fat ugly wife tied me to the bed posts last night.
Unable to move, I could do nothing to stop her slowly stripping down to her bra and pants in front of me.
She knelt on the bed, between my thighs and said
"Ok big boy, what would you like me to take off next?"
"My glasses, please." I whimpered.


South Korean officials have confirmed the name of the pilot who crash
landed a Koreana plane in San Francisco earlier.
He's called Land Din Wong.

Men go through 3 stages: Drinking from boobs, staring at boobs, and
growing boobs.

The reopening of the Maddie McCann case can only mean one thing -
A few coppers fancy two weeks playing golf in sunny Portugal.

The inventor of the computer mouse has died.
They should have right clicked and saved him.

Just arrived for Glastonbury.
Seem to have avoided the rush.



I was sat in the doctors waiting room today when the bloke sat next to
me asked, "What are you here for?"
I replied, "Actually, there's nothing wrong with me, but by the time I
get to see the doctor there probably will be."

Independence Day in America.
The day Americans celebrate the freedom to be spied on by their own government.

20

General Discussion Area / Re: Classic Adverts - stick them here

« on: 11 July 2012, 15:45:57 »

You knew that the Christmas Season had arrived when this...

http://youtu.be/bcYKeWv5goc

...was on the Television.

21

Omega General Help / Re: Replacement 3 button Key Fob

« on: 10 July 2012, 22:42:08 »

One slight problem Martin, your PM box is full and not accepting new PM's 

Maybe you could unload one or two, please 

 Alternatively, you could try to contact him via the following Link.

http://www.imber.me.uk/keyfob.htm

Email

martinimber@btinternet.com

22

General Discussion Area / Re: Eric Sykes

« on: 04 July 2012, 12:37:11 »

R.I.P. Eric  ... a master at your craft.

We won't soon see his like again.

23

General Discussion Area / Re: mentality of some people

« on: 29 June 2012, 16:10:25 »

There are some who could improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.

She seems like a likely candidate.

24

General Discussion Area / Re: AVG conti

« on: 29 June 2012, 15:49:25 »

You could try...

CTRL-ALT-DEL will bring up the task manager that should allow you to kill the process.


Run msconfig   Disable AVG in startup then reboot.

25

General Discussion Area / Martin Imber.

« on: 25 June 2012, 13:39:29 »

I would just like to thank you for the excellent work you did on the repair of my Key.

Fantastic service from start to finish, no problems whatsoever and an excellent outcome. Thank you! 

26

General Discussion Area / Re: Something to sink about while OOF is away

« on: 23 September 2011, 20:25:45 »

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY&feature=player_embedded[/media]

 

Can't follow that link now.

You can now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yR0lWICH3rY&feature=player_embedded

27

Omega Electrical and Audio Help / Re: OMEGA STEREO HELP PLEASE

« on: 22 August 2010, 16:26:52 »

[size=22]SWITCH OFF YOUR CAPSLOCK!![/size]

and use normal UPPER and lower case, please...   

Beat me to it.

Robo.

Using ALLCAPS is referred to as "shouting." While it is permissible to occasionally use ALLCAPS to emphasize a point, people find entire sentences written in capitals hard to read. As a result "shouting" online is considered rude.

28

Omega General Help / Re: Diagnostic reader

« on: 03 October 2010, 15:17:46 »

Check out this thread...


http://www.omegaowners.com/forum/YaBB.pl?num=1236032406

It details the advantages and disadvantages of each type.

29

Car Parts, bits For Sale & Wanted / Re: Side repeater indicators.

« on: 20 August 2010, 09:40:36 »

They are only a few quid from the dealers

I didn't know that.

Thank you!

30

Car Parts, bits For Sale & Wanted / Side repeater indicators.

« on: 19 August 2010, 23:03:56 »

Wanted.

Clear side repeater indicators( A pair ) to fit a 2001 facelift saloon.