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Topics - dad1uk

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61
General Discussion Area / Can You Break the Code?
« on: 24 September 2010, 23:10:27 »
Example 12 D of C = 12 Days of Christmas
I know most of them, but thought it would get the 'grey matter' working...... Good luck.


 1.   18 H on a GC
 2.   A the W in 80D
 3.   G and the 3B
 4.   There are 225S on a S B
 5.   1 4 A and A for 1
 6.   57 H V
 7.   26 L of the A
 8.   24 H in a D
 9.   88 K on a G P
10.   4 Q in a W
11.   2 by 2 into N
12.   In T 2 2 T
13.   1 4 the R
14.   The G and B A the U
15.   21 S on a D
16.   1 R to a R T A
17.   11 P in a F T
18.   206 B in a H B
19.   I T V O D R the 600
20.   A S in T S 9
21.   C click E T
22.   B Safe than S

62
General Discussion Area / Jeeves doesn't know.. apparently
« on: 20 September 2010, 15:58:34 »
Apparently the web site Ask Jeeves has a top ten of questions it can not provide the answer to........ :o


JEEVES' UNANSWERABLES

1. What is the meaning of life?

2. Is there a God?

3. Do blondes have more fun?

4. What is the best diet?

5. Is there anybody out there?

6. Who is the most famous person in the world?

7. What is love?

8. What is the secret to happiness?

9. Did Tony Soprano die?

10. How long will I live?

63
General Discussion Area / You Can Be THE Man of Your House.
« on: 12 September 2010, 06:58:51 »
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."


He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"






The wife replied,









"The flippin' funeral director would be my first guess."  :o :o

64

  A  nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks  down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with  frustration.
 
"What  troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother  Superior..
"I thought this was the day you spent with  your family." 

"It was," sighed the Sister. 
"And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to  play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a  talented golfer before I devoted my life to  Christ." 

 
"I  seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed.
"So  I take it your day of recreation was not  relaxing?"

"Far  from it," snorted the Sister.
"In fact, I even took  the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness,  Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You  must tell me all about it!"
 

"Well,  we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 
- 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and  a hidden green...
I hit the drive of my life.
I  creamed it.
The sweetest swing I ever  made.
it's flying straight and true, right along the line I  wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !"

 
"Oh  my!" commiserated the Mother.
"How unfortunate!
But  surely that didn't make you blaspheme,  Sister!"


"No,  that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still  trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs  out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the  fairway!"
 
"Oh, 
that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the  Mother Superior..
 
"But  I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so  proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether  this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the  sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball  still clutched in his paws!"
 

"So  that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a  knowing smile.


"Nope,  that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, 
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the  squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him  right there on the green, and the ball popped out of  his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the  cup!"

 
Mother  Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across  her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and  said...













 
"You  missed the flippin' putt, didn't  you?"

65
General Discussion Area / If Microsoft made cars..........
« on: 27 July 2010, 09:15:20 »
Sorry if it's been on before but I think it's great!!!



1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.


2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.


4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.


5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.


8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.


9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. Oh yeah, and last but not least . . . you'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off!

66
[size=14]
 Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...


Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!



01.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.


02.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 


03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.


04.People call at 9 PM and ask, did I wake you?


05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


06.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.


07. Things you buy now won't wear out


08.  You can eat supper at 4 PM.


09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.


10.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


12.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 


13.  You sing along with elevator music.


14.Your eyes won't get much worse.


15  . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 


16.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.


17.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


18.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.   


19.You can't remember who sent you this list.


And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.




And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. [/size]

67
General Discussion Area / The Wedding Photo....oops!
« on: 08 May 2010, 21:23:35 »
You have just walked out of the church after your delightful wedding ceremony

on the church steps both your families are applauding you with a hundred friends gathered around.


The photographer raises his camera and following your family's tradition,

both of you are holding beautiful live white doves which you will release together.


Bride and groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder with a dove gently held in both hands
as everyone eagerly awaits the climax of your marriage vows.



The photographer gives the ready signal
you open your hands toward the sky
and release the doves as a symbol of your eternal love.




Not a dry eye anywhere,
such a moving sight,

the camera flashes and the moment is captured for all eternity.............













Scroll down and cringe.........................
















Wedding Gown £2,500.
Photographer £2,000.
Vintage Rolls Royce £1,000.
Having 'the twins' pop out and say CHEESE in front of your family and friends.

PRICELESS!!!!!


68
General Discussion Area / Dinner with the Girlfriend!!!!
« on: 08 May 2010, 21:06:34 »
A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us". A minute later the boy is still praying;

“Thank you Lord for your kindness”.

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

69
General Discussion Area / A Great Duck Joke!
« on: 03 May 2010, 05:47:32 »
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
 
 The barman looks at him and says,

 
"Hang on! You're a duck."
   
 "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
   
 "And you can talk!"
 Exclaims the barman.
   
 "I see your ears are working, too,"
Says the duck.

 
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
   
 "Certainly, sorry about that,"

 
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

 
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
 
 "I'm working on the building site across the road,"
Explains the duck.

 
"I'm a plasterer."
   
 The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
   
 So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
   
 The same thing happens for two weeks..
 
 Then one day the circus comes to town.
   
 The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

 
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
   
 "Sounds marvelous,"
says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

 
"Get him to give me a call."
   

 So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

 
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
   
 "I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.

 
"Where is it?"
 

 "At the circus,"
Says the barman.
   


 "The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
   


 "That's right,"
Replies the barman.
   



 "The circus?"
The duck asks again.

 

with the big tent?"
   



 "Yeah," the barman replies.
   



 "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
   


 "Of course," the barman replies.
   



 "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
   


 "That's right!" says the barman.
 


 The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .













 
"What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!"


Coat, hat exits stage left swiftly
Just a smile for Bank Holiday!!! :D

70
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'


'Because you got an F in sex.'

71
General Discussion Area / A little girl's fire engine!
« on: 01 May 2010, 23:04:24 »
A firefighter was working on an engine outside the station , when he noticed  a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled  in the middle .
The girl was wearing a firefighter's  helmet . The wagon was being pulled
 by her dog and her cat.  The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.  'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.  The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.....
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'  The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.' 

72
1. Men are like Laxatives

They irritate the crap out of you.



2. Men are like Bananas.

The older they get, the less firm they are.



3. Men are like the Weather.

Nothing can be done to change them.



4.Men are like Blenders.
 
You need One, but you're not quite sure why..




5.
Men are like Chocolate Bars.
 
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.



6. Men are like Commercials.
 
You can't believe a word they say.



7.Men are like Department Stores.
 
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!



8.Men are like Government Bonds.
 
They take soooooooo long to mature.



9.Men are like Mascara.
 
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.



10. Men are like Popcorn.
 
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11.Men are like Snowstorms.
 
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12. Men are like Lava Lamps.
 
Fun to look at, but not very bright.



13.Men are like Parking Spots at supermarkets.

All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


73
General Discussion Area / How to describe politics to a child?
« on: 12 March 2010, 07:27:29 »
A little boy goes to his  dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

 Dad says,  'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will  consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby  has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes  to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her,  he goes to the  nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all  about.'

The little boy replies,
 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class  while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

74
General Discussion Area / Consumer Instructions on Labels
« on: 12 March 2010, 07:47:49 »
Some examples of why the human race probably has evolved as far as possible.

These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:




On Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On a Swann frozen dinner: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: "Fits one head."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): "Do not turn upside down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: "Do not drive car or operate machinery."

On Nytol sleep aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On a Korean kitchen knife: "Warning: Keep out of children."

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

75
General Discussion Area / sorry - coat, hat and exit quickly!!!!
« on: 01 March 2010, 19:24:30 »
2 blokes walking down the street and see a blind dog having sex a cabbage,


one bloke says to the other












"poor bugger must think it's a collie"

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