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Topics - dad1uk

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76
General Discussion Area / Chosing A Wife.....
« on: 01 March 2010, 19:17:21 »
A man wanted to get married.

He was having  trouble choosing among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a  present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the  money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a  fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new  outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she  has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so  much.

The man was  impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.  She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his  computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she  tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves  him so much.


Again, the  man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market  She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and  reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she  wants to save for their future because she loves him so  much.




Obviously, the man was  impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each  woman had done with the money he'd given  her.



Then  he  married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you  know.   

And  on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

There is more money being spent on breast  implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means  that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky  boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do  with them.

77
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless  and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in September .'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
MBNA:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you. . The part about her being dead?'

MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'

MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson'  (Lawyer info given)

MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'  (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her.    I don't think she will care.'

MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
'   Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'

MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang.

78
General Discussion Area / Just a tap on the shoulder...
« on: 18 February 2010, 21:03:32 »
A  British  passenger in a taxi  in Dublin leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
 
 
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from  the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.
 
 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 
'Be-Jesus,  I'm sorry, but you scared the  devil  out of me.'
The frightened  Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten  an Irishman so much.
The driver replied, ' Will the Saints in Heaven forgive me,  it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab...................



I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

79
General Discussion Area / Baked Beans
« on: 15 February 2010, 21:58:30 »
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.  When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home  from work.  Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that  I would be late because I had to walk home.  On my
way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was  more
than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off
any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and
before I knew  it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took
a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the  telephone
rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned
and  went to answer the call..

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running  over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.  I took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.  The stink
was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable.  When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom,  I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on  my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased  with myself. 

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.  He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. 

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"





 


 


 



I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

80
General Discussion Area / Black Panties!
« on: 15 February 2010, 21:55:57 »
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
 
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
 
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away...
 
Their first night there, she undressed as he did.. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
 
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
 
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
 
He knew he was not getting lucky that night..                                       
                                                                           
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black  panties, and  he was in his birthday suit- but now he was wearing a black condom.
 
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
 
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences...."

81
General Discussion Area / One for the girls!! (sorry fellas!)
« on: 15 February 2010, 22:04:43 »
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
 
He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart




He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time 
 
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened. 
 
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends. 
 
He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow. 
 
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

82
General Discussion Area / The love story of Ralph and Edna.
« on: 15 February 2010, 21:53:54 »
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
 
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool  Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.  How soon can I go home?'

83
General Discussion Area / Did I read that sign correctly?
« on: 15 February 2010, 21:51:02 »

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundrette:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

84
General Discussion Area / Can Coldwater clean dishes?
« on: 15 February 2010, 22:07:06 »
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
 John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan .

 After spending a great evening chatting the night away, The next morning John 's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

 However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

 Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
 
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
 John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
 

 
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted
 .
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
 
Meet Coldwater..............

85
General Discussion Area / Smart Arse of 2009
« on: 15 February 2010, 22:01:42 »
6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. 

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.
 









  5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'




 4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'




 3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.




 2nd Place

A  lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that  read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'




 SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR  2009


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a  nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your  immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A  smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

86
General Discussion Area / After the SNOW!
« on: 07 January 2010, 08:50:52 »
I suppose if we look to the future, after this cold spell the snow will melt and because the drains are full of leaves that haven't been cleared we will then have flooding! ::) ::)

87
General Discussion Area / Two Choices - which would you make?
« on: 17 December 2009, 22:00:01 »
Please read all before making your descision!

What would you do?....you make the choice.

Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one.

Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection..
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.. . ..

The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:


Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father/ I/ also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.

Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.

Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.

Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!

Run to first!'

Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.

By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.

All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!'

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team

'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.

Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:

We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.

The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.**


Think about the outcome of your actions, you could make a difference for someone.....
Winning is not always the best result.....

I don't know if this is genuine, but the subject certainly raises an interesting subject.....

88
General Discussion Area / RIP Edward Woodward
« on: 16 November 2009, 14:43:13 »
It has been announced that the 79-year-old had been suffering from various illnesses, including pneumonia, and died in hospital on Monday.
It will be a sad loss to the industry. :(

89
General Discussion Area / Christmas Lights
« on: 06 October 2009, 19:43:21 »
Can't believe it, it has just been on the local news that some old couple in Walsall have put up their Christmas Lights!
It loked like Santa's Grotto, and they reckon they have more to come! :-/
It's only the 6th of October! We'll be celebrating Christmas in July soon ::)

90
General Discussion Area / Washing Up - Joke
« on: 23 August 2009, 21:43:17 »
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,
 


Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her
over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way
right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the flipping dishes!!!

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