What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why is a Laundrette a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.