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[Mr Skrunts]

Here is the official unit conversion chart for engineers...


1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight one evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

[Mr Skrunts]

Here are some pretty heartless things to say to a women in dressing rooms...


That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?

I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.

Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a man...

I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage.

Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...

Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU

Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself

Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the plain, severe and drab' look in this season?

Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?

Hi, I'm from Weighidiotchers...

I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots

Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like any help?

Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?

God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?

I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's really all you.

[Mr Skrunts]

Perks of Old Age

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.}

[Mr Skrunts]

The following are new Windows messages that are supposedly under consideration for the planned Windows 7...


Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

User Error: Replace user.

Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

[Mr Skrunts]

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

[Mr Skrunts]

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

    * Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
    * A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
    * Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
    * For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
    * For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
    * Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
    * Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
    * Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
    * Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
    * We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
    * No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
    * For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
    * For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
    * Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
    * 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
    * Great Dames for sale.
    * Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
    * Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
    * 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
    * Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
    * Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
    * If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
    * Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
    * The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
    * Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
    * Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
    * Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
    * Stock up and save. Limit: one.
    * Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
    * We build bodies that last a lifetime.
    * Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
    * This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
    * For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
    * For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
    * Man, honest. Will take anything.
    * Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
    * Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
    * Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
    * Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
    * Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
    * Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
    * Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
    * Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
    * 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
    * Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
    * Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
    * Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
    * See ladies blouses. 50% off!
    * Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
    * Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
    * Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
    * Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
    * Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
    * Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
    * And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
    * We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

[amigov6]

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

8-)

[cem_devecioglu]

Here are some pretty heartless things to say to a women in dressing rooms...


That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?

I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.

Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a man...

I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage.

Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...

Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU

Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself

Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the plain, severe and drab' look in this season?

Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?

Hi, I'm from Weighidiotchers...

I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots

Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like any help?

Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?

God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?

I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's really all you.

dangerous

others are

[Mr Skrunts]

We Really Can't Win!

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
 

[Mr Skrunts]

Construction Site Sign Language

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
 

[Mr Skrunts]

A Distinct Lack Of Imagination

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
 

[Mr Skrunts]

The Mailman's Retirement

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "opps him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."