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[Mr Skrunts]

MISSING HUSBAND

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!”

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him

[Mr Skrunts]

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing
———————————

It’s the only type of cooking a “real” man will do. When a man
volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put
into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man,
who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
( The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And,
upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no
pleasing some women.

[Mr Skrunts]

What Gender Is It?

If you’re like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender.

For example:

Ziploc Bags — Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Copier — Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed. But can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire — Male, because it goes bald and often it’s over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon — Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it. And, of course, there’s the hot air part.

Sponges — Female, because they’re soft and squeezable and retain water.

[splott]

    Like um!!

[Mr Skrunts]

It takes an Italian man…



It  takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman…

On a recent  transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The
turbulence  is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck
by  lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in  the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die,” she
wails. Then she yells,  “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be  memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like
a  WOMAN?”

For a moment there is silence.. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all
stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the  plane. He is gorgeous : tall,
well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his  shirt…..one button at a
time. ……

No one moves. ……

He  removes his shirt. …….

Muscles ripple across his chest. …..

She  gasps………..

He whispers: …….

“Iron this, and get me something to eat….”

[Mr Skrunts]

A Word To The Wise about Female Drivers



I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.

This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and gave her the finger.

“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles.  Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper;  most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway.  So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car very 40 feet per lane.  That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.  That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars on the areas not bumper-to-bumper.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000.  In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449.  According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98.  34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of giving her the finger!

[Omegadoha, Desert Member]

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