In between the moans & groans don't forget to crack your lips at least once
My racing snail isn't winning races lately, so I took off his shell to reduce weight & make him more streamlined? Trouble is it didn't work, in fact it's made him look more sluggish!
I've just got a flyer through the letterbox. It says there's no reason I can't have good sex at 55! I'm over the moon cos it's only 3 doors down from me
What's Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?....
Decomposing!
A vulture boards a plane with a dead racoon under each arm. The stewardess looks at him & says, " Sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger"!
Two Hydrogen atoms meet & one says to the other, "I've lost my electron" The other says, "Are you sure?" and the first one says "I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddist who refused pain relief while he had his root canal done? His goal was to 'Transcend dental medication'.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into their hotel & were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the Manager came over and asked them to disperse! "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins & gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt & is named "Ahmal". The other one goes to a family in Spain, & they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a photo of himself to his birth mother. She says wistfully to her husband, "I wish I had a photo of Ahmal too".
"Whatever for ?" says her old man, "If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amahl!"
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on the soles of his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. This made him.......A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
"Doctor, I think i'm going deaf!"
"What are the symptom?" asks the Doctor.
"Well, they're a yellow cartoon family who live in Springfield, but what's that got to do with my anything?"
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve & are standing at the Pearly Gates waiting their turn to enter Heaven. On entering they are told they must present something 'Christmasy' to show they remember the Holy Day, or else it's off to hell they go!
The first guy puts his hand in his pocket & pulls out a piece of mistletoe, so he gets in.
The next guy rummages in his pockets & comes up with a candy tree decoration, so he's in as well.
The third bloke pulls out a pair of womans panties.
Taken aback by this, St. Peter asks what panties have to do with Christmas?
"They're Carol's", says the bloke.
Paddy wins 3 million quid on the State Lottery. The Lottery Officials tell him that they will give him 1 million now & 1 million on the same day each year for the following two years.
Paddy says, "look, if you're gonna f**k me about, give me my pound back!"
What do you call the ghost of a door to door salesman?
A dead ringer!
Why do chicken coops have two doors?
Cos if they had four, it would be a chicken saloon!
What's the difference between an Oral & a Rectal Thermometer?
The taste!
What do you call Maories on Prozac?
Once were worriers!
Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
He loved it, but his dog was scared to death!
What do you do if you come upon a tiger in the jungle?
Wipe it off, apologise & run like hell!
What do you do if an Elephant comes through your window?
Close your mouth, hold your breath & swim!
How many Male Chauvanist Pigs does it take to change a kitchen light bulb?
None! Let the bitch cook in the dark!
What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
Don't ask her out again!
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Topic: Laugh? I nearly wet myself! (Read 1016 times)