So the M3 broke down last week - it has the SMG-II gearbox and the cog of doom appeared, stranding me in Neutral.
I started doing diagnostics this weekend having bought a litre of BMW hydraulic oil as the reservoir looked low. Sadly on opening it today with the car stone cold all the fluid had reappeared, so it wasn't just low fluid..
Plugged the laptop in and looked at the errors (hydraulic pressure and pump duty cycle) it looks like it's the pump (cheaper to convert it to manual at that point, or set light to it and cook some burgers on it!) but while doing that I bumped into some fun diagnostic trickery.
I pulled up the live values which showed ~60bar of healthy hydraulic pressure after the engine has been started - so the pump definitely primed the system on start. Start changing gears and I have gears, hurrah! But what's that? The stored pressure is falling.. down to ~37bar and at that point it fails to engage gears anymore.
Odd, the pump doesn't fire.. so I try to manually actuate it from the menus only to be told it cannot actuate as the hydraulic pressure reads an impossible '-12bar' - except the live values still say ~37bar..

*mutters* damn German engineering
