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[Mr Skrunts]

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He’s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and dull grey suit. There’s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes..."
"I’m not falling for this." says the man. "I’m not going to trust a person from the Inland Revenue"
"What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a gonner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what’s your second wish."
"My second wish is to be rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?
If the Inland Revenue offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

[Mr Skrunts]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot, "What about this one Madam?" "A beautiful bird, I’m sure you’ll agree, and it’s an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant," it use to live in a brothel and as a result it’s language is a touch fruity!".

"Oh, I don’t mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I’m broad minded and it’ll be a laugh having a profane parrot."

So she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "opps me, a new brothel and a new madam!",

"I’m not a Madam and this isn’t a brothel" says the woman indignantly. A little later the woman’s two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new whores," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we’re not prostitutes," complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman’s husband comes home and the parrot says........

"Well opps me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin" Dave ?"

[Mr Skrunts]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women reading this will be finished now.
























Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

[Mr Skrunts]

There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex because the boy’s mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons, the boy has always been afraid to venture down there.

They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligee and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, "Oh honey, here’s the moment we’ve been waiting for.... It’s time to consummate our marriage."

He is apparently flustered, and says, "Oh, no....I’m not going down there!"

The confused bride asks, "But honey, why not?"

He turned to her and said, "Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between her legs has teeth."

The bride laughed and said, "That’s nonsense; here, let me show you." So, she whips off her negligee, spreads her legs open, and pulls her nether lips apart, saying, "See honey?... No teeth!"

The groom quickly replies, "My God! With gum disease like that, it’s no WONDER you have no teeth!!"

[Mr Skrunts]

A good Irish man, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife".
That won him the top prize for the toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night".
She said, "Aye, what was your toast ?"
John said, "Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife".
"Oh me that is very nice indeed John", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary".
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself ! You know, he’s only been there twice ! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come !"

[Richie London]

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man’s thingy is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

they must of used my index finger with mine then  

[Mr Skrunts]

What are the 3 advantages of having a £50 note tattoed on your penis

1 u can play with ur money

2 u can watch ur money grow

3 ur wife can blow as much money as she wants!

[Mr Skrunts]

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

[Mr Skrunts]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

[Mr Skrunts]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

[Entwood]

 

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