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[alunonhisown]

No Offence Intended

'I've bought a new clock,' boasted Clancy. 'It goes eight days without winding.'

'How long does it go if you do wind it?' asked the barman.

                        ------------------------

The drunk rang Dublin airport and inquired: 'How long does it take to fly to New York from Dublin?'

'Just a second,' said the receptionist.

        ---------------------------------------------

Thank you,' said the drunk and replaced the phone.

'Have you decided what to buy your missus for Christmas?' asked McPhee.

'Sure, she decided it for me,' answered Kelly. 'She said she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I've bought her a pack of cards!'

 ---------------------------------------------------------

A man walked into a Melbourne bar and ordered a pint of the dark liquid.

'Excuse me,' said the only other drinker. 'Is that an Irish accent I detect?'

'It is, sir. Dublin to be exact.'

'Bless my soul,' said the first. 'I'm a Dublin man meself. Ballymun to be precise.'

'Bedad, aren't I from Ballymun meself - Carberry Street in actual fact,' remarked the second.

'Carberry Street is where I was born and raised meself, and St Joseph's was me parish church, Father Dunne the parish priest.'

'Didn't I go to nine o'clock mass every Sunday at St Joseph's. What an amazingly small world. Did you go to St Joseph's School?'

'I did. I was in Miss Slattery's class.'

'God in heaven. So was I.'

Just then the phone rang and the Aussie barman said, 'Not too busy at the moment. In fact there's just the Murphy twins here.'

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Flaherty never ever learned and would seek the fruits of the grain and the grape at every chance he could. So no wonder that Friday night, the holy of holy times when the work of the week was done, found him legless as usual and happily traipsing home with Billy McGee. As they sang and shuffled along O'Connell Street they were confronted by a very large policeman.

'Now my fine fellows,' he glowered. 'Would you be telling me where you live?'

'Well,' said McGee, 'I live at no fixed abode.' 'And I,' added Flaherty, 'live in the flat above!'

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'Personally,' said Sean, 'I think the greatest invention was the vacuum flask. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, but how does it know the difference?' True,' said Seamus. 'But I reckon the greatest invention is the motor car.'

'Why so?' asked Sean.

'Well, think of a summer's evening when you're out for a spin. In no time at all the windscreen and headlights are smothered in millions of moths. Bearing in mind how many vehicles are on the roads, there must be trillions of little blighters about. And if it wasn't for the motor car we'd be up to our eyelids in moths!'

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Draining his glass, Murphy said, 'I must be off. I'm taking night school classes in Vietnamese.'

'Why so?' asked the bartender.

'Well, we've just adopted a Vietnamese baby and I want to know what it says when it grows up,' replied Murphy.

[Martin_1962]

Paddy & Mickey Murphy wanted to smuggle a pig through a  customs post, so they put a hat and coat on him and held him up one each side.

They approached the customs post and the man asked them their names.

"Paddy Murphy sir"

"Mickey Murphy sir"

"And your name is sir" the customs man asked the pig.

Mickey nudged the pig and it went oink.

The man said - "OK on you go"

After the Murphys had passed he said to his colleague "Isn't Oink Murphy an ugly pig"

[fullatherack]

oh dear... :-/

[Richie London]

 

[albitz]

I would like to say that I strongly object to these stereotypical and racist jokes being posted on this forum

















But I cant , most of them were funny.

[Martin_1962]

Mine were from an Irish chap my dad used to work with.

Most good Irish jokes are from Ireland

[spacekid2009]

I am Irish, born in Dublin and have a lot of family still there, i take these jokes in good humour, even been known to tell the odd Paddy joke myself. But can you imagine posting such jokes about our asian friends, the racial equality mob would be down on you like a ton of tarmac.

[alunonhisown]

I am Irish, born in Dublin and have a lot of family still there, i take these jokes in good humour, even been known to tell the odd Paddy joke myself. But can you imagine posting such jokes about our asian friends, the racial equality mob would be down on you like a ton of tarmac.

Typical Paddy, good on you

[fullatherack]

im irish ,no problem with irish jokes,but these are a little dry!

[Bent valve]

 Paddy went into a plumbers merchants in Dublin and asked the man if he can sell him a new bath.
"do you want a plug with that sir? Says the man.
Why? says Paddy. Is it electric?