First we had mad cow disease, then bird flu and now swine flu.
What the fekk is this?
Farmageddon?
A Jew trying to understand the nature of God asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million pounds to you?"
And God replied: "A million pounds is like a penny."
Finally, the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"
And God said, "In a minute."
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I went for a job interview earlier as a tree surgeon. He started pointing to trees and I had to tell him what they were.
Then he asked me if I knew which was the front and which was the back of this oak tree.
I had a look around the tree and then said, "Yes, this is the front, and this is the back."
"That's incredible!" he said, "How do you know that?"
I said, "Because someone's had a shit behind it."
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They say that 40 is the new 30, but try telling that to a speed camera.
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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day bloke! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face.
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi.
Dog: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn't change.
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
The Kiwi gets even more shocked.
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face.
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep's a liar."
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I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.
She calls me her sixty second lover.
Oh Well!!!! I'm Off
