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[Peachy]

First we had mad cow disease, then bird flu and now swine flu.
What the fekk is this?
Farmageddon?

A Jew trying to understand the nature of God asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million pounds to you?"
And God replied: "A million pounds is like a penny."
Finally, the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"
And God said, "In a minute."

         ************************************

I went for a job interview earlier as a tree surgeon. He started pointing to trees and I had to tell him what they were.
Then he asked me if I knew which was the front and which was the back of this oak tree.
I had a look around the tree and then said, "Yes, this is the front, and this is the back."
"That's incredible!" he said, "How do you know that?"
I said, "Because someone's had a shit behind it."

       **************************************

They say that 40 is the new 30, but try telling that to a speed camera.

        **************************************

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day bloke! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face.
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi.
Dog: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn't change.
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
The Kiwi gets even more shocked.
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face.
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep's a liar."

          ************************************

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.
She calls me her sixty second lover.

Oh Well!!!! I'm Off

[eliteomegaman]

First we had mad cow disease, then bird flu and now swine flu.
What the fekk is this?
Farmageddon?

A Jew trying to understand the nature of God asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"

       ************************************

God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million pounds to you?"
And God replied: "A million pounds is like a penny."
Finally, the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"
And God said, "In a minute."
         ************************************

I went for a job interview earlier as a tree surgeon. He started pointing to trees and I had to tell him what they were.
Then he asked me if I knew which was the front and which was the back of this oak tree.
I had a look around the tree and then said, "Yes, this is the front, and this is the back."
"That's incredible!" he said, "How do you know that?"
I said, "Because someone's had a shit behind it."

       **************************************

They say that 40 is the new 30, but try telling that to a speed camera.

        **************************************

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day bloke! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
The Kiwi gets a look of extreme shock on his face.
Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?", pointing at the Kiwi.
Dog: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
The Kiwis expression of disbelief doesn't change.
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
The Kiwi gets even more shocked.
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Now the Kiwi has a look of total amazement on his face.
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
To which the Kiwi replied, "The sheep's a liar."

          ************************************

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.
She calls me her sixty second lover.

Oh Well!!!! I'm Off

Like it!!  And oh sooo true! 

[Mr Skrunts]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. '
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody surely.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his f*#king widow!'

[Banjax]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. '
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody surely.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his f*#king widow!'

[Banjax]

great jokes peachy 

wish i could be bothered typing some 

[cleggy]

Careful someone might get upset

[eliteomegaman]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. '
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody surely.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly
polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his f*#king widow!'

Cracking joke & a great punch line!!!!