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[Crazydad]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,
and loved to charge around the nursing home,
taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich
short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her
and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor
when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped
out with his arm outstretched.
"STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice.
"Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled
out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,
weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP!
Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped
out in front of her, Butt - Naked, and holding his
dick in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!"

[Crazydad]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price,
but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline
over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents.
He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him,
"Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done
any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.
So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend,
throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table
and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious,
her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE rather DISHES"

[Crazydad]

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

[maria]

They made me laugh

[Crazydad]

They made me laugh

Glad you didīnt take offence, some of these are a bit on the Line

[GastronomicKleptomaniac]

  Top stuff.

[Crazydad]

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called Lady bits scrapes.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?
A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?
A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

[Crazydad]

MORNING SEX...

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in. She turned and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Crazydad]

A young woman experienced car trouble late one afternoon but luckily, an old man in a tow truck stopped and offered help. Not knowing the area, she asked if he could repair the car. He agreed to do it and after hoisting the car up on the truck, the two of them took the car back to the old man's garage. He looked at the engine and made an estimate about one hundred pounds more than she could pay at the time.

"Shit. Just one hundred pounds? If you weren't such an old guy," she said, "I'd break you for the remainder of the bill."

"Hell, I'll show you whose old!" the old man retorted. "Take off that dress and get on the car."

She giggled as she slipped off her dress and eyed the old man after he dropped his trousers. He was hung like a horse! "Oboy!", she thought. "Not only am I going to get a great discount on the repairs, i'm going to get the hell breaked out of me too." At that time she noticed the old man placing washers on the base of his dick. "Hey, what are you doing?" , the woman asked

"Hell", the old man replied, "You think for just a hundred pounds, you're gonna get all of this?"

[Crazydad]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to break your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[Crazydad]

Chat up lines:

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you
out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs...what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm
the only one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big
Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name
tag.

13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway
to heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but
beauty is only a light switch away.

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a
stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles,
and even farther for that thing you do with your
tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could
be you by morning.

19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

21. F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga
Titsbottom?

22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be
screaming it later.

24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I
walk by again?

25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can
I???

34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room

[maria]

I don't get offended at jokes like that, they make me laugh, I'm not an old prude...