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[Michael2.6]

mrs michael here.
advice please! interested to know if any ladies on the forum
have or have had a mother in law living with them?
if so how did you survive?
also be interested to know how you men on the forum cope with living
with a mother in law?

[Rog]

Well my 89yr old Mum comes to stay sometimes, such as over Xmas, and drives my Mrs nuts. The thing is at 89 she is still absolutely full of it, bright as a button.

[Rog]

Well my 89yr old Mum comes to stay sometimes, such as over Xmas, and drives my Mrs nuts. The thing is at 89 she is still absolutely full of it, bright as a button.

 . . . . . my Mum that is, not SWMBO 

[cem_devecioglu]

had enough experience when young so I never married to someone who has a mother around..
 
last one I married was a foreign woman so no probs here
 
 

[Kevin Wood]

No real experience, thankfully, but a nice new patio is the best solution I can imagine, short of suicide.

[Michael2.6]

this is 24/7!
find it difficult. lovely woman.......but.
had to put rules into place. ok for a while then goes back to how it was.
michael dont really understand.
it a big change for me, and sometimes i could scream!
she 85 and everything has to be right.
she has medical problems and we have nurses call every week.
prescriptions delivered, phonecalls all to do with hopital app etc
i have to deal with all of this side.
five of us live here, two daughters. 20 and 24. plus one bathroom= disaster!
5 months = no privacey=has own room extension we built which was nothing but hassle
as you will all remember with cow next door!
i have applied for carers allowance only to be told
mother in law has to be claiming attendance allowance,
only then will they consider my claim. i do nearly everything for her
but didnt really want to be put in this situation........

[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

Mother in law was fine, a great old lady, and we got on well until her demise in 2010.

Father in law is a selfish old bastard who thinks exclusively about himself.


If you are living with either a MIL or FIL on a 24/7 basis then you must be willing to sacrifice your own life.

[Lizzie_Zoom]

mrs michael here.
advice please! interested to know if any ladies on the forum
have or have had a mother in law living with them?
if so how did you survive?
also be interested to know how you men on the forum cope with living
with a mother in law?

No I never did, and never would have!  She was a real saint, very kind and generous in all ways, but living with us would never have worked.  In my view it never can from a woman's point of view as she will undoubtedly encroach on your "space" and there will be friction in the kitchen, and with looking after the children. She would always have known best!

[Michael2.6]

kitchen on a morning is sometimes a problem,
she has a tendancy to follow me downstairs and it a case of which
corner of my kitchen can i move.
she takes ages. then my work top is covered in her line up of tablets!
i am not being nasty, but i must state it was not my decision to move her in
with us, but michaels, i would never have moved my own mam in with us,
mainly because i lived with her long enough and knew what she was like!
my home isnt my home anymore and its caused a few heated arguments.
it different from my point of view, she not my mother,i had lot of hassle with
my own mam when she was alive and she was in various houses, sheltered accomadations
till she got dymensia and ended up in a home.
still waiting to hear if anyone on here knows any women who have the husbands mother
living with them,and living happily ever after?!

[Varche]

Statistically, there are not many women on this forum and therefore not many with MIL's living with them.

I have studied , over the years, the inter relationships MIL's have within my family on both sides and have been shocked by how stereo typical it all is e.g. sons get married and never have their parents round for a meal but her parents all the time.

Inevitably , one day, one or more of our parents will come and live with us. I don't relish the loss of freedom etc but the alternative (a care home, is less appealing). We are fortunate in having space - physical and mental space. I think it is important from the outset to establish how it will all work. e.g. One TV and one lounge, who determines what is watched. Maybe need two Tv's- one in bedsit?  I also think that the son/daughter - in your case son plays an important part in it all and are not just a mediator of last resort. Do you talk to him and have time for just the two of you (cinema, out for a meal etc)and also do you talk to her not just about how things work or don't work but current affairs and so on to make her feel a part.

You mentioned crowded kitchen. We have had elderly relatives stay with us and the morning routine is just unbelievable . I know what you mean Slow, involved, now have I taken this tablet yet etc. Could you "agree" to have the kitchen for the first half hour.? Could you put a sink in her bedroom? In fact could you put an extra bathroom or toilet in? Could you have a second phone line put in, in her name, for her independence. She maybe feels awkward about using your phone.

You also have two daughters living at home. Do they pull their weight or are they a dead weight like one of my nephews who does absolutely nothing to help? Could they grandparent sit while you have some time away from the house doing something for yourself. Badminton, Gym, swimming, nail clinic, running etc Any day centres/groups she could go to for a few hours and mix with her own generation and friends?

No perfect answer. It will always be a compromise. Are there any positives?. Less travelling to visit? Better off financially? Grandmother bonding for the daughters? Someone to walk the dog ? From the tone of your posts , you do need to do something.

I have just done a search on the Internet and found quite a few sites offering tips

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-happiness-project/200909/ten-tips-getting-along-your-mother-in-law
http://voices.yahoo.com/how-live-harmony-mother-law-5939810.html?cat=7

There no doubt will be better ones than those two.

Hope you get sorted.

[Michael2.6]

good post varche!
will answer with, yes she has her own room,
tv,sky,telephone, everything, ex cept toilet,
which we are going to put in her room and a sink.
daughters are never in, working or socialising.
michael and me do have days out at the weekend,
and go for meals, occasionally take his mam with us.
i do sit and talk with her, listening to when she was younger ect.
then about hospitals,docs,ect.!
money is no problem, she pays her way and wouldnt have it any other way.
she gets well looked after, her meals taken up to her,
her washing done.
i have one rule that she has to take notice of,
and that is if,she is left on her own for an hour or two.
which doesnt really happen, is not to use my cooker unless one of the daughters is here.
my mam burnt her flat down by leaving a tea towel on the cooker.
a hard lesson, but i wont budge on that rule, its my house and we put alot
of hard work into the extension ect.
she does have a life, goes to the womens institute and days out with a friend.
but if i have visitors i want privacey also.
i refuse to turn my house into a care home, and i have disscussed this with her.
their no bad feelings,if and when she does get to the stage where she cant manage to get to the
toilet ect, then we will have to assess the situation.
But my point is, unless you actually know, or are living with an in law
what its like you dont know how i feel.