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[Migv6 le Frog Fan]

Stop clenching and take it like a man

Frankie says RELAX. 

[Field Marshal Dr. Opti]

cause his arse to explode

My post madras potty visit this morning was like a volcanic eruption, spewing shit and blood all over the porcelain.

Cleaning that up will keep her busy for ages

If she loves you she'll be happy to do it....

[ronnyd]

I have one, but all it does is get extremely itchy at the most inopportune moments. 
Maybe you need to assemble a Stanley knife, a soldering iron, and a mirror and perform a bit of DIY surgery.
How hard can it be ? 

The four phases of mine are normal, swelled up, pop, itchy. 
I was glad when they put the anusol out on the shelves instead of only behind the counter in Asda. Then I discovered the bazaar that is amazon.

My old GP, now retired sadly  , told me that the "over the counter" stuff was quite ineffective. He prescribed Ultraproct bombs and ointment. Worked far better for me. 

If I wanted something from my GP I'd have to explain to the receptionist why I needed to speak to him. I could either go the sensitive route "I need something for my haemorrhoids", or the full on "Massive bunch of grapes hanging out my rectum". 

Just say it,... Arse.