This is an actual letter sent to Proctor & Gamble
TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE
Dear Mr. Thatcher
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down
the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I
can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my 'time of the month' is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realise it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer
fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to
the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi
pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have
a Happy Period.'
Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible
during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least
bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak
girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have
to jack yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put Down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong'?- Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an *8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always.
Best,
(name deleted)
Author
Topic: best complaint letter ever part 1 (Read 512 times)