Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Crazycarzowner]

Nicked from another site but made me chuckle -

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in a lift, I was staring at her boobs when she said "Would you please press one?"

So I did

I don't remember much after that!!! 

[Andy H]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. "

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a f....ing tie!”

[henryd]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. "

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a f....ing tie!”

LOL

[tigers_gonads]

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see
100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.


Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent,

There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”


David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:

“What will England be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”

David replies,

“Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”

[tigers_gonads]

Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet
hotel for their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good
strong bed."


'We have many suites', then the clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,


'Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used
to it.'

[Searcher]

  My apologies to anyone (Our Scottish Members) I have offended.

Alex Salmond is seeing a fortune teller.

Concentrating very hard the fortune teller closes her eyes and says:
"I see you going down a large street, in a car with the top down, and
people are yelling 'Hurrah!'"

Alex smiles and asks, "So, the crowd is happy?"

"Oh yes, like never before!"

"And are the people running behind the car?"

"Yes, they are all around the car, they are going daft! The police are
having trouble clearing the way and controlling the crowd!"

"Are the people carrying flags?"

"Oh yes, Scottish flags and banners with words of hope for a better future."

"Really, and the people are yelling and singing?"

"Oh yes, the people are yelling out messages of hope, that everything
will be better now!"

"And me, how am I reacting to all this?”

"I can't see."

"Why?"

"The coffin is closed..."

[Varche]

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
………………………………...........................................

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
………………………………...................................................
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
………………………………...............................................

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
……………………………….........................................
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

[Searcher]

The Big Come on.

"Have you ever seen twenty Pounds all crumpled up?". . . the woman
asked her husband.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile,

unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty Pound note.

He took the crumpled twenty Pound note from her, and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen fifty Pounds all crumpled up?" . . . she then asked
her husband.

"Uh . . . no, I haven't," he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile,

 pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer knickers and pulled out a
crumpled fifty Pound note.

He took the crumpled fifty Pound note and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen thirty thousand Pounds all crumpled
up?"

"No way, " he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused . . . and
excited).

...

...

...

"Well go and look in the garage," she said


 

[Varche]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral

                a voice from the inside screams

                " I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out !"

 

               The vicar smiles , leans forward sucking air through his teeth,

                and mutters

               " Too oppsing late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

[Varche]

I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every
day........
........... and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

[Shackeng]

I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every
day........
........... and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Signed: Woody Allen

An excellent plan though.

[Searcher]

He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards,forward, then backwards again...back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.







She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the


small of her back, she was getting near to the end.








Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, then she moaned, softly at first, then louder.





Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted.










"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the flamin’ car! You do it...YOU SMUG B*STARD !"


                      --------------------------------------------------------------
                      ---------------------------------------------------------------

After a few pints down at the local, talk got round to who had the most expensive watch. I showed mine first.

"That's a Rolex Oyster, worth two and a half grand," I grinned.

My mate John smiled and proudly pointed to his wrist.

"This is a white gold Patek Phillipe. I paid the best part of twenty grand for it."

Dave rolled up his sleeve to show his watch.

"What do you think of that then? It cost me £200,000."

Me and John stared a while then I said, "Dave, Thats a Casio."

"I know," he sighed. "My ex-wife bought it for me then found it in her sister's bed."



                             ------------------------------------------------------------
                             ---------------------------------------------------------------

When arguing with the wife I found out...

I can either be right or happy.

[Searcher]

Only in the USA

The following text message appeared on a man's iPhone from his
next-door neighbor:

"I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

 I have been tapping
your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

 I can no longer live
with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my
promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: "Damn auto correct. I meant
'wifi' not 'wife.'"

[Varche]

Tonsils vs. Circumcision


Two little boys are in the hospital for an operation next day.

The older boy leans over and asks,
"What are you having done?"

The second boy says,
"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says,
"You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
they give you lots of ice cream.
It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks,
"What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year

[Searcher]

When someone is murdered, the police always investigate the spouse first.
And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

DFS now have two seater sofas available with 50% off...
They're called Armchairs.

"Daddy, who's that man sitting in the kitchen?" asked my daughter.
"That's the doctor, he's come to see your mother."
"Well, is he going up to see her?"
"Yes, but I thought I'd let him sit and wait like they do to us."


I opened the door for a lady today.
I normally don't bother with such outdated customs, but she was blonde and couldn't figure it out for herself.


Just bought a car off Chris Moyles... there's no tax on it!

It's my wife's birthday next week, and thankfully she's made it easy for me this year.
She has been dropping hints all week.
"My wardrobe is so full of boring clothes"
"These old rags are so horrible"
"If I have to spend another day in these 1950s housewife clothes I will cry"
She's also left her large collection of over 20 catalogues dotted all around the house. So it's decided.
We're gonna get rid of all her clothes and she can be done with those catalogues once and for all - and I've given her the perfect gift.
I can't wait to see her face when the Skip arrives next Tue

You know times are hard when the British Government can't even afford to go to war with Arabs and has to take the train to Scotland to fight over oil.