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[Varche]

Immigration..

All my neighbours are English
All the kids in the local school are English
All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.


And no one speaks Spanish!


Teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Leroy said: "I wanna be a billionaire & go to the most
expensive clubs. I wanna find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari
worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on
the beach, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa
Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible
response from little Leroy, decides not to acknowledge what he said
and simply tried to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, f**k that. I want to be
Leroy's bitch."




The South African justice system really is something else.

I wouldn't be surprised if Reeva Steenkamp's parents end up having to pay for a new bathroom door.

[AndyRoid]

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

[PhilRich]

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

 

[omegod]

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

 

[henryd]

A mate has just returned from Africa and he can't stop buying raffle tickets,doctor thinks he's got tombola.

[Andy B]

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

shift+Ctrl+n = Incognito 

or so I've been told 

[Broomies Mate]

The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains.

Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that I haven't deleted the internet history.

shift+Ctrl+n = Incognito 

or so I've been told 

Ctrl+Shift+P    for a proper browser 

[scimmy_man]

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school.
The kid replies
- I had sex with my teacher.
She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room.
When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him
- I had sex with my teacher.
The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for.
Just after leaving the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds
- No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts.

[powerslinky]

Long story cut short . . . from my youth . .  many moons ago in  the late 70's

There was a large common grass area where us lads used to park up after pulling a bird in the pub/disco on route to giving

her a lift home . This particular night, the one i'd pulled looked right up for it

So the beach common it was . Always quite dark but the moonlight made it possible to see what you were doing in the back

seat . Well this one a real hottie  & I had her stripped right off  & by 3am I was on my second go 

When there is a bang on the car roof  . . .   looked through the misted up window to see a police officer standing there with

his torch. Managed to get my jeans back up & open the door & got out  shutting it behind me.  "Oh hello officer" was my

rather foolish response . "Ah what do you think you are doing young man?" he asks.

"What do think I'm doing?" says me .

"I could see what you were doing" he says "& that is against the law in a public place".

"Is that your girlfriend ?"he asks   . .  "

"What her  .?   Oh nooooo  . . . I just met her in the disco tonight & actually I can't even remember

what she said her name was " says I.

"Well OK then " says the officer  " Seems like you have two choices here . .  . 1. you are gonna be nicked for having sex in a public

place , which is  a quite serious  offence  or    2. I'm next  & we all forget this ever happened "

" Pardon me ! " says I .

"You heard " says the officer "I'm next  or your nicked"

"Crikey" says I. . .  .but I'm really not sure"   

"Make your mind up  or your nicked " says he 

" What have you to lose ? . . and why are you not sure then ?" he asks. . . .

"Well it's  just   . . . well to be quite honest  officer  . .  . . . .  . ..  .

(page down)










" It's just that  . .  .I've never f*cked a copper before"   

[Varche]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE
IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:




1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.



2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.



3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?



4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE
ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.



5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-
HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.



6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?



7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?



8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF,
IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?



9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?



10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"



11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?



12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?



13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?



14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL
BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?



15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?



16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?



17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?



18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?



19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?



20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?



21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.



22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?



(This one took me a minute)



23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?



24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?



25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?



26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?



27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?



28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?



29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?



30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?



31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?



32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE
BECOME DISORIENTED?



33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?



34.WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND
THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

[Sir Tigger KC]

Senior Sex.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[AndyRoid]

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

"Get me something that I can wear on holiday that wouldn't look out of place" she said

So I bought her a harpoon.

[scimmy_man]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a well-known pub in xxxx.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table, but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué, even in xxxx, and worried that it might offend some diners and prompt others to start doing the same, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table".
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in.

[Varche]

What do plain clothes policemen wear when they're off duty?

[Varche]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows and he hears a stirring from his wife.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."