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[Nickbat]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".

The scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

[Danny]

i'll take this opporunity to thank you all for posting these jokes, since i cant compete with the high standard of jokes, i'm stealing them and posting them on my other regular forum in their jokes thread  

 

keep them coming, i'm gaining popularity over there!

[Golfbuddy]

I gave up hours ago. If you like Nickbats best you can vote for him under the 'Golfbuddy' option.  

I already voted and I still haven't got any votes.  

[STMO123]

I gave up hours ago. If you like Nickbats best you can vote for him under the 'Golfbuddy' option.  

I already voted and I still haven't got any votes.  

Should've voted for yourself, I did

[Baron Von Spongebob]

I gave up hours ago. If you like Nickbats best you can vote for him under the 'Golfbuddy' option.  

I already voted and I still haven't got any votes.  

Should've voted for yourself, I did

You could have voted for me you posh Alfa owner you  

[Crazydad]

I gave up hours ago. If you like Nickbats best you can vote for him under the 'Golfbuddy' option.  

I already voted and I still haven't got any votes.  

Should've voted for yourself, I did

knew that no sod has voted for me either loosing out here big style

[Crazydad]

       A Small Problem        

          
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''

[Crazydad]

       Bedside Confession        

          
Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.

Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I've got acute angina

Ted: You're breasts aren't bad either.

[Baron Von Spongebob]

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

[Crazydad]

       Mom's Sponge        

          
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, "What's that Mommy?"

A little embarrassed, she tells him that is is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, "Where is your sponge mommy?"

Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says okay, and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge. "What do you mean you found my sponge? Where?"

"The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!"

[Crazydad]

       Mountain Bike        

          
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.

"How'd you get that, son?"

"By hiking."

"Hiking?"

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

[Nickbat]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who
knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who
hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at
the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
"Bob how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's
my wife!"
 They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to
marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies.
 "What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

[Nickbat]

Woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird and it's an absolute steal at only £20."
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad-minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman.
"F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".
"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.
"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

[Baron Von Spongebob]

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.



"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.



She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."



"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.



"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.



She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."



"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.



Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"



"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

[Nickbat]

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."  He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t.