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766

General Discussion Area / Streetlights?

« on: 14 November 2009, 09:50:55 »

Are they getting dimmer or is it my bloody eyes getting worse with age,i'm presuming they are using some low energy bulb crap round here.

Got an eye test at 12.00 so we will see if I am failing with age

767

General Discussion Area / Argh, zip files....

« on: 10 October 2009, 15:05:11 »

Hi,

I'm crap with computers but can normally get by, However I cannot open Zip files on my home computer, never have been abe to!

Vista premium is what it's running which I hate.

I have been sent some music which is in a ZIP file but I cant get the bugger to open and play.

Any straightforward advice greatly appreciated

768

General Discussion Area / Funniest MOT ever

« on: 08 October 2009, 18:33:03 »

Put the Elite in for a retest today after it failed on a few bits but mainly emissions, found a leak on the exhaust joint and gummed it up but it was still leaking a bit.

Got there at 9 and the guy had a right huff on" have you got the fail sheet?" I says "No" he says "it's not good enough" I offer to go and get it, he says dont bother and "im chocka all day and won't be able to do it till this afternoon" I says " I didn't want it till the end of the day anyway"  Narkiest get I have ever seen!

Went back at five and he still hadn't done it and the rest of the staff are going home, he is absolutely fuming and starts the retest only to find the Emissions tester wont work, cue him hurling spanners all over the garage then booting seven kinds of sh*te out of the computer severely destroying it in the process

As he couldn't fail it he had to pass it and he forgot to charge me the £15 retest fee as I had done the work

Priceless!

769

General Discussion Area / Another one gone...

« on: 06 October 2009, 20:16:41 »

Spotted this as a Cat B on a salvage auction site, another good one bites the dust. Hope it wasn't an oofers

Guess it was the heated seat, any other suggestions?

770

General Discussion Area / Restaurant joke

« on: 05 October 2009, 19:22:03 »

Went for some Tapas the other night and ordered octopus for a main course, Waiter said " it's going to take about 5 hours for octopus" I asked why?

He say's "We cook it live to order and the bugger keeps turning the gas off "

771

General Discussion Area / BMW 850i, think she will kill me...

« on: 29 September 2009, 19:41:13 »

Just popped a note through a guys door who has had an 850i BMW 5.0 v12 sitting on his drive not moving for a good while, chancing my arm with a very rude offer but you never know do you.

Obviously something wrong with it but worth a good few quid as parts nowadays if goosed.

Missus will go completely mental if he goes for it but my boy like mischeviousness meant I couldn't resist

772

General Discussion Area / MOT blues

« on: 26 September 2009, 11:19:47 »

Well sadly she has failed on a couple of bits:

Rear exhaust not adequately supported, easily sorted

Nearside rear brake pipe excessively corroded

Front to rear brake pipe excessively corroded

Exhaust emissions Lambda reading after 2nd fast idle outside specified limits! reading was 1.11 then 1.07 against a limit of 1.03

Brake pipes will be made up by the local factors but the emissions im not sure of so any advice welcomed!

773

General Discussion Area / I'm having a tantrum

« on: 13 September 2009, 16:07:02 »

Got to go to a stupid bloody wedding tonight, miles away, we don't like the people and as I am driving I can't even soothe the pain with a jar or two.What is it with women and not losing face with this kind of thing

Thankfully we are only staying for a few hours at my insistence, miserable old git aren't I !

774

General Discussion Area / Kept my job

« on: 10 September 2009, 08:28:49 »

Was going to be made redundant at 5 pm yesterday, went to head office at 4 to collect our redundancy letters and got a call at 4.30 on the way back from a new firm who wants to take me and all my staff on with the same salary!

Can't believe it and everyone is over the moon

Most stressful 2 weeks of my life for sure. Had some support from you guys so a big thanks

775

General Discussion Area / Redundant by Wed

« on: 05 September 2009, 13:49:39 »

Well due to some monster financial mismanagement the charity I work for is going into liquidation on Wednesday.

We help people with drug problems and we have 4000 clients on our books. Apparently there is someone waiting in the wings to take over on Thursday but as to what staff they have already is anyones guess.

Never been unemployed since I left school and to be honest am crapping myself! No redundancy dosh but can claim fron the government but that will take months to come through.

Roll on the benefits agency Thursday Morning, I hear they give you tea and cakes, is that true?

776

General Discussion Area / Pope Joke

« on: 27 August 2009, 17:45:48 »

Sadly the latest pope is found to be seriously ill and is being attended to by the Vatican medical team, they diagnose a very rare condition that can only be cured by having intercourse with a woman.

The Vatican elders are horrified at the thought of such a terrible travesty occuring but decide to let the pope decide what should be done.

After long deliberation and with a heavy heart he calls the elders into his chamber and with a weak voice says " For the sake of the church I will succumb to this terrible cure, but only on three conditions, 1. The woman must be deaf and dumb so as not to recognise my voice and never to be able to speak of this, 2. she must also be blind so as not to recognise my face.  The elders all nod with relief in agreement at such wiseness for the sake of the holy church but after a while one reminds the pope of the third condition, he smiles slowly and says in a low rasping voice" Hmmmm, Big Boobies !"

777

General Discussion Area / Pasties

« on: 21 August 2009, 15:47:23 »

Just pondering whilst eating a chicken tikka pastie, should there be a line drawn as to what is acceptable to put in one?

I personally think corned beef hash, which is available locally is a step too far!

778

General Discussion Area / Amputee joke, naughty!

« on: 22 August 2009, 22:06:21 »

Three amputees got to the swimming baths and all are at the edge of the pool, first one says "I bet I can do a length and back in under a minute" the other two reply" you only have one arm and one leg, no chance"  in he goes and completes it in 58 seconds.

Second amputee whilst only having one arm and no legs decides to try and beat it and manages to do it in 56 seconds.

Third amputee states he can beat both times, this guy is just a head! the other two watch in amazement as he rolls himself off the side into the pool. This  soon turns to horror as he sinks like a stone, eventually the life guard dives in and rescues him, placing him coughing and spluttering onto the side of the pool. The other two demand to know what had happened to him and eventually he is able to answer " what a bloody time to get cramp"

779

General Discussion Area / Bought a little lamb today..

« on: 22 August 2009, 21:52:19 »

....From makro and then had it butchered,chest freezer is chocka and having a nice big leg tomorrow with all the trimmings!

£57 is a bit of a bargain when you add up all the chops, legs and shoulders methinks.

780

General Discussion Area / I must be mad....Guttering!

« on: 20 August 2009, 15:20:08 »

Replacing the guttering on my house due to incessant nagging from the G/F.

30 foot up,i'm scared of heights, it's raining and quite windy.

If i'm not back on by 6 o'clock then it's likely I have redecorated my back yard with my face [smiley=smiley_down.gif].

It's been nice knowing you all just in case.