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Author Topic: Sticky for Jokes  (Read 188744 times)

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PhilRich

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Re: The Wife.
« Reply #315 on: 20 November 2012, 17:27:16 »

The wife walked in last night and took her bra of, with a cheeky wink she said "suck my titties". F@@k off !! i said they've been on the floor.  ;D ;D ;D ;D





I had a fit of schoolboy giggles at that one! ;D ;D ;D :y
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #316 on: 21 November 2012, 14:40:29 »

Are you prepared for parenthood?
Test 1: Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After nine months, remove 5 per cent of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2: Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it; this will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
Test 3: Nights
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
*Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.
Test 4: Dressing small children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
*Time Allowed: 5 minutes
Test 5: Cars
1. Forget the Omega: buy a practical people carrier.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6: Going for a walk
1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come back in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in again.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least six questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
*You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7: Conversations with children
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8: Grocery shopping
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
*Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Test 9: Feeding a 1-year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.
Test 10: Entertainment
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11: Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5. Drag random items from one room to another room and leave them there.
Test 12: Long trips with toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important notes: no more than a 4-second delay between each 'Mummy'. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
*You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13: Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the 'Mummy tape' listed above.
*You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14: Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put one cup of lemon juice in it.
4. Stir.
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work.
You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!
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scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #317 on: 22 November 2012, 21:16:35 »

A little boy said to his Mother. "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white.
His Mother replied."Don't even go there!



From what I remember of that party.You're lucky you don't bark.
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #318 on: 23 November 2012, 20:33:43 »


Magic Sandals

    A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the
    market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
    shop.

    From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
    foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

    So the married couple walked in.
    The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be
    interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
    man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
    being the Sex God that he was.

    The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

    The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

    Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
    tried them on.

    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
    look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

    In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the
    table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
    hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

    The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #319 on: 24 November 2012, 23:28:00 »


Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Jamie, Mark, and
 Chris, they were a little confused at their present situation, and
 they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door
 was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty,
 and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
 
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Jamie, you have sinned! You are
 condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And
 Jamie was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his
 torment.
 
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
 when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting
 example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous,
 covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
 
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Mark, you have sinned! You are
 condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And
 Mark, like Jamie, was whisked off.
 
Chis, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when
 the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see
 the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Chris jumped up, taking in
 the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy
 bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
 
"Cindy, you have sinned ........"




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PhilRich

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #320 on: 24 November 2012, 23:30:49 »


A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
 
In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".
 
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
 
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
 
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and the postman came out of the wardrobe naked with his hands in the air!"



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scimmy_man

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #321 on: 27 November 2012, 16:47:40 »

A WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my f eet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #322 on: 27 November 2012, 19:12:15 »

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:
10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will terribly sorry old boy, I am a little tired and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #323 on: 27 November 2012, 23:10:24 »

Paddys wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married so they go see the doctor to find out why. The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help .
Being a bit tight , Paddy decides not to by a fan , but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act . After half an hour still no sign of success, Mick suggests swapping places . ' I'll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel '. Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure for the first time in 15 years . Paddy turns to his Mick smugly and says 'That my friend, is how you waft a fooking towel'
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #324 on: 30 November 2012, 17:09:55 »

Impossibilities in the human world

1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

10 Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to friends see who else falls for it.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #325 on: 30 November 2012, 17:15:37 »

A touching Christmas story to warm your hearts

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"

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mantahatch

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #326 on: 04 December 2012, 07:46:44 »

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
 
While attending a 'harmony for couples' weekend, Dave and his partner,
Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
 
 
He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's
favourite flower ?"
 
 
Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "It's
Homepride, isn't it ?"
 
Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #327 on: 04 December 2012, 09:40:06 »

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win your money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

Grandpa said “I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it! How about I give you a demonstration?”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “Okay, Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “It's a bet.”

Immediately Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Then Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Obviously the auditor can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa then removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He now starts to get nervous.

”Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks with a smile, “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage to do that, so he agrees again to the bet

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But now, Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands and is visibly distressed.

”Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

”Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #328 on: 04 December 2012, 09:41:25 »

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
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Varche

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Re: Sticky for Jokes
« Reply #329 on: 07 December 2012, 16:40:06 »

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:


1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in an Omega MV6 than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble, and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

 
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