Topic: why does it still hurt so much. (Read 1875 times)

kris9128 · « **on:** 26 July 2008, 23:05:21 »

bin 3 yrs since my mum died. still hurts like mad. think of her every day. no matter what i do just cant seem to get over it. it'sstartin to affect my everyday life. got a brilliant partner who understands everthing and tries her best to help me but just seem to stay in my own little world. heads really f*ck*d

Bandit127 · « **Reply #1 on:** 26 July 2008, 23:26:26 »

Sorry you feel like that. It's an awful place to be for 3 years.

My Dad died 6 weeks ago and, to be honest, I'm finding it hard. I haven't got any easy answers for you coz I haven't sorted it myself.

But, mate, if it's been that long, have a think about talking to someone who is preferably outside your current 'world'.

I am not embarrassed to say that I have spent time with a CPN and that it was a big part of being able to get over what I was dealing with at the time. Not right for some but it was someone I could talk to.

Have you though about your GP?

Vamps · « **Reply #2 on:** 26 July 2008, 23:28:21 »

I tried two or three times to think of a suitable response to you statement. Sorry for you loss but this was three years ago, however it seems that you have been unable to accept the loss which is preventing you from moving on. I would suggest that you need to talk this through with someone and that perhaps a visit to your GP for a referral to an appropriate counselling service that deals with issues surrounding bereavement, your other half may also benefit from someone to talk through any of her issues too.
I attend a support group on a monthly basis, for a different matter, that happened 6 years ago, but it is about life changing loss and I find this very helpful, talking to others who have shared the same experiences with professional support added if needed.
Believe me, well all need to off load sometimes and our immediate family may not be the best people to do this with regardless of how sympathetic they are.
Psychnurse may be able to give better advice.

albitz · « **Reply #3 on:** 26 July 2008, 23:29:27 »

My mum died suddenly in 2000.it really knocked me sideways for a while .I still think about her often,but it doesnt affect my everyday life.
I think it would be an idea for you to have a talk with your G.P. who would hopefully arrange some helpful counselling.

jimmas · « **Reply #4 on:** 26 July 2008, 23:35:23 »

so sorry to hear that mate, lost my sister 3 years ago to cancer age 42 then last year lost my mothering law to cancer, then this year find out my wife has breast cancer, has knocked 6 barrels of crap out of me but you have to find a place to go to in your head for sanctuary or it will totally consume you, grief is a terrible terrible feeling, as said earlier may be talk to your GP, all the best mate.

Entwood · « **Reply #5 on:** 26 July 2008, 23:44:33 »

You are not alone, by any means, so don't think there is anything "wrong" with feeling the way you do.

I'm nowhere near good enough to do these things, however my brother is a trained "berevement counsellor", and he's just told me that 40% of his groups have long term issues - especially if they have never had help.

All I can offer is this, either through a GP,Church, Social Worker, or even a Funeral Director ( might sound odd by they do have this info) find a bereavement councillor and have a chat .. you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Mr Skrunts · « **Reply #6 on:** 26 July 2008, 23:57:14 »

You certainly arnt alone matey, lost my Mum to Bone Cancer in 2000, Lost my Dad 25 Years ago.

The feelings never go away, but they do get easier to deal with. I am still sad over both my parent's losses, but I know they would both want me to grow and get stronger as each day passes, which I am doing, some days are not as easy, birthdays etc, but the fond memories will allways remain.

If you want to chat, PM me or add me to MSM, I am on most nights, would love to chat with you.

amigov6 · « **Reply #7 on:** 27 July 2008, 00:08:16 »

My parents are elderly now so am dreading the inevitable. It might seem strange but i've started telling them how much i love them & appreciate them putting up with me when i was young & silly.
Sadly i have no advice to offer until the worst happens but my thoughts & wishes are with you. Guy.

kris9128 · « **Reply #8 on:** 27 July 2008, 00:17:55 »

thanks for all the advice and comments. will try and speake to my gp . it's not that she died that is affecting me its how that oppsed me up. was in a long term relationship that ended. got with another partner wich my mum never aproved of, had a major falling out with mother about this and moved from manchester to kent. aftef 2 yrs started talking to mum again. sent her train tickets to come down to kent for her bday.day before she was due ti travel got phone call from police. mum colapsed in supermarket, taken to hospital, not looking good. jumped in car and set off up north. made it to hospital in bolton. she died whilst i was parking the fukin car. missed her by about 7 minutes. will spend the rest of my life wonderin, what if i'd driven faster. maybe i should've over taken that car. if i'd just gotten there on time. so much i wish i could of said to her. but most of all i just wish i could of said how much i loved her and thaked her for all she did forn me.

Vamps · « **Reply #9 on:** 27 July 2008, 00:23:00 »

All the more reason to talk to someone m8.

amigov6 · « **Reply #10 on:** 27 July 2008, 00:25:23 »

Quote

thanks for all the advice and comments. will try and speake to my gp . it's not that she died that is affecting me its how that crappity smacked me up. was in a long term relationship that ended. got with another partner wich my mum never aproved of, had a major falling out with mother about this and moved from manchester to kent. aftef 2 yrs started talking to mum again. sent her train tickets to come down to kent for her bday.day before she was due ti travel got phone call from police. mum colapsed in supermarket, taken to hospital, not looking good. jumped in car and set off up north. made it to hospital in bolton. she died whilst i was parking the fukin car. missed her by about 7 minutes. will spend the rest of my life wonderin, what if i'd driven faster. maybe i should've over taken that car. if i'd just gotten there on time. so much i wish i could of said to her. but most of all i just wish i could of said how much i loved her and thaked her for all she did forn me.

For once i don't know what to say except given your posts i'm sure she left knowing you loved her so she was'nt alone really.

craig · « **Reply #11 on:** 27 July 2008, 00:51:20 »

sorry for your loss mate!!
think i made a mistake putting my problem on here!sorry

amigov6 · « **Reply #12 on:** 27 July 2008, 01:00:55 »

We yak on about all sorts on here but tonight has really opened my eyes to what i guess we all have to face at some point. 25 is unfairly young to be afflicted with such ailments.
Once again thoughts with you & yours.

feeutfo · « **Reply #13 on:** 27 July 2008, 01:29:18 »

thought processes can be changed, there are very
good professional programs that can deal with these,
you would be suprised, rangeing from pro
sports people to bi polar/manic depressives etc.
There is help to be had, very good help, you can
come out the otherside burning brighter and stronger
than you ever did before.
Be of no doubt, no doubt at all, it will get better.
Go for it!

markey mark · « **Reply #14 on:** 27 July 2008, 01:34:01 »

oh kris so sorry for your pain please talk to someone bud ! it will rip you apart ! rather hell life is too short matey ! you as well craig !

Jimbob · « **Reply #15 on:** 27 July 2008, 05:57:21 »

I also lost my mum this year, ended up on the happy pills for a bit
Had a lot of other things going on as well.

check out

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

have in on good authority they are very helpful, may be worth going for a chat

gstylebaby · « **Reply #16 on:** 27 July 2008, 06:51:52 »

Quote

thanks for all the advice and comments. will try and speake to my gp . it's not that she died that is affecting me its how that crappity smacked me up. was in a long term relationship that ended. got with another partner wich my mum never aproved of, had a major falling out with mother about this and moved from manchester to kent. aftef 2 yrs started talking to mum again. sent her train tickets to come down to kent for her bday.day before she was due ti travel got phone call from police. mum colapsed in supermarket, taken to hospital, not looking good. jumped in car and set off up north. made it to hospital in bolton. she died whilst i was parking the fukin car. missed her by about 7 minutes. will spend the rest of my life wonderin, what if i'd driven faster. maybe i should've over taken that car. if i'd just gotten there on time. so much i wish i could of said to her. but most of all i just wish i could of said how much i loved her and thaked her for all she did forn me.

Lost my old fella (dad) in 2004.... He was on holiday with my mum had to get her back and then sort out getting him home. It was a sudden heart attack not wanting to go into it any more because it just starts to get abit of a throat blocker but my point is this i gave a quick wave and said see you soon and did'ent see him again but you know what i will see him again and tell him how much he ment to me and i hold on to that and it kinda keeps me going so i konw it hurts mate but she already knew that you loved her deep down and you will get the chance to tell her as well. Try and keep you chin up mate the love of a good partner is also a great help.

Craig my heart goes out to you and yours mate i hope things start to get better soon i'm at a loss as what else to say mate. J ust keep singing them bloody songs you hate so much

Lee

SWMBO · « **Reply #17 on:** 27 July 2008, 08:03:15 »

Kris, I know it is hard to live with what u are feeling, and its also hard to move on in your head. I had a baby die unexpectedly some years ago and it took me many years to move on, not totally willingly, I have to admit lol. We too, didn't get to the hospital in time when he suddenly took a turn for the worst (he seemed to be getting better so I spent the night away from the hospital after two weeks staying there cause I needed medical treatment) and I will never forget that journey (got stuck in traffic and I knew his heart had probably stopped cause the hospital kept ringing and saying when were we going to arrive back at the hospital.., panic just doesn't describe it).

I learned finally tho (as others have said) that u can't change what has happened but u can change how u think about it and feel about it. The pain and anger at the unfairness of it doesn't go.., but u do get used to it, it does dim a bit and u can learn that life can still be good. In some ways terrible things can make u appreciate those good times all the more. Watching that tiny boy fight and fight to survive even if it didn't work made me realise how much our lives are worth, even when its a struggle and it feels like everything is against you. But you can only feel that when u are ready - there is no rush and no timetable. Cruise are really good (they helped me, its good to talk to someone who just accepts and understands the depths of your emotions and u can't upset them by talking frankly as u do others). But it will take someone skilled to help.

It is very hard to make sense of the nonsensical which is what makes grief very hard to deal with I think. The human brain tends to want to understand why something happened and unfortunately, there rarely is a reason. But u can learn to live with it and move on and I promise u, u can be happy again. I will be thinking of you and take care x x x

Debs. · « **Reply #18 on:** 27 July 2008, 10:41:18 »

Grief, loss and bereavement are such an individual experience; the eloquent (and humane) posts that precede this, show that each day is a mere step along the long road to accepting the circumstances of such loss; but never forgetting those-dear whom we have lost.

Kris, perhaps requesting a 'long-appointment' (often available upon request at the surgery) with your G.P to have a chat about your feelings and how they are persisting and troubling you; that talk, and perhaps a subsequent referral to speak with a specialist-counsellor would be of practical and spiritual help on your road to returning to having 'peace of mind'.
I never had the privilege of knowing your Mum; but I`m sure she would not wish you to be so-troubled and hurt by the circumstances and repercussions of her passing; so please do contact your G.P.: they are there to help and can offer 'real' practical help to help you towards recovery.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

psychnurse · « **Reply #19 on:** 27 July 2008, 10:46:44 »

As everybody has said Kris. Greif is a very individual and subjective experience. There is no set path, thus there are also no answers to your inner fears, concerns, and worries.

Your mum has gone and that loss needs to be explained to yourself from within. Counseling is very good... if you engage and are aminable to the processes that it uses. Medication mat also help for some, or, go hand in hand.

What you feel is normal.. that is the cruel thing about all of it.

Hope you get through it mate.

HolyCount · « **Reply #20 on:** 27 July 2008, 11:05:04 »

Kris ... my mum died three years ago too ( cancer, 6 weeks from diagnosis). I think about her everyday and still get tearful. Every now and then I get taken completely unawares when I see something on TV or hear something that triggers a chain of thought and find myself blubbering !!!

As has been said, this is all natural. In the family we talk about her openly, maybe as if she is just in the next room. It does help to chat .... be it to friends, family, your GP or other professional.

Chin up mate ................

LJay · « **Reply #21 on:** 27 July 2008, 12:27:39 »

Some good advice on here Kris, was going to suggest cruse too!
My mum died about 25 years ago and my dad cant talk about her, my advise would be to talk about things and not bottle up. You can put no time scale on grief so dont beat yourself up cos you are still hurting.
keep strong.

Jay w · « **Reply #22 on:** 27 July 2008, 13:04:26 »

I lost my day in 2002 and my mum in 2003.

Dad was totally out of the blue and like you Kris i was just pulling into the car park when i was phoned to say he had died.
Like you i asked myself the questions, what if i had gone faster? what if i had taken a different route? and then i think, if i had gone faster what was the chances i would have been driving beyond the speed of the road, me or the car and had an accident?
It is a real killer when you never get to say good bye, or never get to say sorry for what has happened in the past, me and my dad were never 'that' close, and i wanted to tell him that despite all our differences in life i was still proud to have him as a dad.

Mum was very different, she was told she had pneumonia, after 12 weeks she still had it, when she was taken for a x-ray it was found she had advanced lung cancer

The day before she died she was in hospital having collapsed, as we were leaving my then 3 year old managed to let go of my hand, ran back and give her nan a big cuddle and told her that she loved her, i didn't think of it, and gave my mum a cursory 'see you tomorrow'
6am the phone rang, she was dying, i got there but was not allowed to see her, by the time i could see her she had gone, again i never got to say goodbye whilst she was alive.

I spent 3 months in counselling, it helped a hell of a lot, but even now, 5 year on i still miss, i still want to call them up and tell them what we have done or what we are doing......

It's an irony, the pain is there because we loved them so much

kris9128 · « **Reply #23 on:** 28 July 2008, 09:58:26 »

many thanks to every 1 for your help and advice. it's good to know that there are others out there in the same situation. made the first move today and have contacted cruse so will see where it goes from here. once again, many thanks to every 1.

SWMBO · « **Reply #24 on:** 28 July 2008, 11:05:47 »

They are very good, but it may take a while. Worth waiting for tho. I do hope they help, but take it at your own pace, as has been said, there's no time table. xxx

TheBoy · « **Reply #25 on:** 28 July 2008, 11:35:11 »

Its never easy.

I lost dad suddenly back in 2000. Cliche I know, but time does heel. Thats not to say I don't still miss the ol' git, and don't feel sad (or often happy as well) when I think about him.

If you need to talk it over, there are specialist who can help, as well as true friends who will listen.

My own way of dealing after a few days - and it really did knock me sideways - was to look at positives, difficult as they are to find sometimes.

Dad died just when I started a new job. My new colleagues were brilliant and caring, and have become lifelong friends - you can find out who your true friends are.

zirk · « **Reply #26 on:** 28 July 2008, 11:46:30 »

Sorry for your Loss, definitly need to talk to someone.

Try and convert those thoughts of her to Happy ones, think about things that she liked and stuff that made her smile and happy.

My Mum died back in 2002, and of course I miss her like crazy, she was my best friend, when ever I think of her I try and make myself smile with some positive feelings about her.

If Shes looking down on you now, She wouldn't want you to be un Happy, and you know that.

Field Marshal Dr. Opti · « **Reply #27 on:** 28 July 2008, 16:30:39 »

Sorry you feel this way Kris. Although elderly both my parents are still alive and well so I can't really pass to much comment on your situation.
I do think however that acceptance requires a sense of letting go and I get the feeling you are not ready to do this yet.
Best wishes.

Dusty · « **Reply #28 on:** 28 July 2008, 18:52:24 »

All the best Kris. I am glad you have acted on the advice already. I'm sure that being able to talk about this outside of your immediate family will help you.

Sharing problems with others does help.

Best regards
Dusty

Jimbob · « **Reply #29 on:** 28 July 2008, 20:06:17 »

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many thanks to every 1 for your help and advice. it's good to know that there are others out there in the same situation. made the first move today and have contacted cruse so will see where it goes from here. once again, many thanks to every 1.

Good work, really is best to talk.

I found this out the (very) hard way

All the best.

kris9128 · « **Reply #30 on:** 28 July 2008, 21:27:36 »

Quote

Quote
many thanks to every 1 for your help and advice. it's good to know that there are others out there in the same situation. made the first move today and have contacted cruse so will see where it goes from here. once again, many thanks to every 1.

Good work, really is best to talk.

I found this out the (very) hard way

All the best.

thats my problem. got this thing in my head about it being my problem and why should i burden others with my problems when they have their own. had a major talking session with the missus this weekend and she never knew that mums death had affected me as bad as it has. and we been together for 3 years. she actually had a go at me for not talking to her about it. got to get it sorted tho cos it slowly destroying me.
thanks again for all the kind copmments and encouragement. waiting for cruse to get back to me with details of my local/nearest centre. just hope i can get this sorted and eventually move on. thanks again to everyone,

Jimbob · « **Reply #31 on:** 28 July 2008, 21:29:26 »

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Quote
Quote
many thanks to every 1 for your help and advice. it's good to know that there are others out there in the same situation. made the first move today and have contacted cruse so will see where it goes from here. once again, many thanks to every 1.

Good work, really is best to talk.

I found this out the (very) hard way

All the best.

thats my problem. got this thing in my head about it being my problem and why should i burden others with my problems when they have their own. had a major talking session with the missus this weekend and she never knew that mums death had affected me as bad as it has. and we been together for 3 years. she actually had a go at me for not talking to her about it. got to get it sorted tho cos it slowly destroying me.
thanks again for all the kind copmments and encouragement. waiting for cruse to get back to me with details of my local/nearest centre. just hope i can get this sorted and eventually move on. thanks again to everyone,

You dont know how similar that sounds!

kris9128 · « **Reply #32 on:** 28 July 2008, 21:35:10 »

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Quote
Quote
Quote
many thanks to every 1 for your help and advice. it's good to know that there are others out there in the same situation. made the first move today and have contacted cruse so will see where it goes from here. once again, many thanks to every 1.

Good work, really is best to talk.

I found this out the (very) hard way

All the best.

thats my problem. got this thing in my head about it being my problem and why should i burden others with my problems when they have their own. had a major talking session with the missus this weekend and she never knew that mums death had affected me as bad as it has. and we been together for 3 years. she actually had a go at me for not talking to her about it. got to get it sorted tho cos it slowly destroying me.
thanks again for all the kind copmments and encouragement. waiting for cruse to get back to me with details of my local/nearest centre. just hope i can get this sorted and eventually move on. thanks again to everyone,

You dont know how similar that sounds!

according to the missus it a STUPID MAN THING.

Jimbob · « **Reply #33 on:** 28 July 2008, 21:36:54 »

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Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
many thanks to every 1 for your help and advice. it's good to know that there are others out there in the same situation. made the first move today and have contacted cruse so will see where it goes from here. once again, many thanks to every 1.

Good work, really is best to talk.

I found this out the (very) hard way

All the best.

thats my problem. got this thing in my head about it being my problem and why should i burden others with my problems when they have their own. had a major talking session with the missus this weekend and she never knew that mums death had affected me as bad as it has. and we been together for 3 years. she actually had a go at me for not talking to her about it. got to get it sorted tho cos it slowly destroying me.
thanks again for all the kind copmments and encouragement. waiting for cruse to get back to me with details of my local/nearest centre. just hope i can get this sorted and eventually move on. thanks again to everyone,

You dont know how similar that sounds!

according to the missus it a STUPID MAN THING.

according to my (female) doctor, it is a very normal male thing to do!
Still wrong though, goes against the grain to talk and open up, but it has been such a big help doing so.

Vamps · « **Reply #34 on:** 28 July 2008, 21:37:30 »

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Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
many thanks to every 1 for your help and advice. it's good to know that there are others out there in the same situation. made the first move today and have contacted cruse so will see where it goes from here. once again, many thanks to every 1.

Good work, really is best to talk.

I found this out the (very) hard way

All the best.

thats my problem. got this thing in my head about it being my problem and why should i burden others with my problems when they have their own. had a major talking session with the missus this weekend and she never knew that mums death had affected me as bad as it has. and we been together for 3 years. she actually had a go at me for not talking to her about it. got to get it sorted tho cos it slowly destroying me.
thanks again for all the kind copmments and encouragement. waiting for cruse to get back to me with details of my local/nearest centre. just hope i can get this sorted and eventually move on. thanks again to everyone,

You dont know how similar that sounds!

according to the missus it a STUPID MAN THING.

She is right, but we are all guilty at times...................

HolyCount · « **Reply #35 on:** 28 July 2008, 21:38:06 »

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Quote
Quote
Quote
Quote
many thanks to every 1 for your help and advice. it's good to know that there are others out there in the same situation. made the first move today and have contacted cruse so will see where it goes from here. once again, many thanks to every 1.

Good work, really is best to talk.

I found this out the (very) hard way

All the best.

thats my problem. got this thing in my head about it being my problem and why should i burden others with my problems when they have their own. had a major talking session with the missus this weekend and she never knew that mums death had affected me as bad as it has. and we been together for 3 years. she actually had a go at me for not talking to her about it. got to get it sorted tho cos it slowly destroying me.
thanks again for all the kind copmments and encouragement. waiting for cruse to get back to me with details of my local/nearest centre. just hope i can get this sorted and eventually move on. thanks again to everyone,

You dont know how similar that sounds!

according to the missus it a STUPID MAN THING.

Speaking as a stupid man ... she's probably right !!!! My missus always manages to catch me out when I am teary ( the number of things I have had stuck in my eye is unbelievable!!)

LJay · « **Reply #36 on:** 28 July 2008, 21:45:33 »

Speaking as the wife of a 'stupid man' things got so much easier when james opened up and talked to me. not knowing how he was feeling and just what emotions were eating away at him made me feel completely useless and a failure as a wife. TBH it nearly wrecked our relationship.

Well done Kris for getting some help and best wishes to you and your family, hope things get better for you.

Bandit127 · « **Reply #37 on:** 28 July 2008, 21:54:37 »

Good luck Kris.

A simple fact here is that nobody deserves to feel like you have for that long. You deserve better and you have my sincere best wishes for the journey to getting it.

Once again, good luck. Keep us posted if you can.

Jim

Lazydocker · « **Reply #38 on:** 28 July 2008, 21:58:21 »

I can only echo the sentiments of support which have been posted previously... Talking feels alien to us men but, from experience, it is by far the best thing you can do.

Good luck in sorting yourself out and feel free to use us all here as any form of relief you need. Even if it's just a rant you need, we'll be here to listen.

News:

Author Topic: why does it still hurt so much. (Read 1875 times)

kris9128

Bandit127

albitz

amigov6

kris9128

amigov6

amigov6

feeutfo

Debs.

HolyCount

kris9128

kris9128

kris9128

HolyCount

Bandit127